I am not going to pretend I don't miss you, because I do. I miss talking to you, laughing with you and being your friend. How is it that a relationship between two people can change and become polar opposite so suddenly? I just don't understand how you have been ignoring me for so long after we used to be so close. I used to always think that if you truly cared about someone that it was almost impossible to treat them badly but you have proved me wrong.
People don't seem to understand how I am feeling. I pass it off that I am angry at you because I am but that has never been the full story. I just find that I now resort to my own thoughts to try and figure out where everything went wrong because talking to other people gets me no where and I told you I would leave you be for the time being. But that has always been a dangerous strategy for me- to leave these thoughts to myself but I just don't see the point anymore. I simply burdens those I tell, and it all becomes redundant since I always get the same reactions, responses and advice- to just forget about you. But I can't. You were such a huge part of my life when I was in Istanbul and even when I got back. Remember when we used to skype almost every day after school? Well now I don't even hear from you after pleading like an idiot. And that is all I am right now. An idiot for allowing you to do this to me- to torture me with the unknown. I asked you for the simplest thing- an explanation and you disregarded everything through your own selfishness. I don't regret being friends with you. I simply regret some of the decisions I have made while knowing you.
I always let you get to me like no one else can. You always had a way of making sure that I was always cautious about your feelings. I would always put your happiness first. When our best friend said he liked me when we were going out, when I moved back, when you asked me out again and I was worried it would cause more pain and you were even on my mind when trying to figure out whether or not my feelings came before yours when I found the person who makes me happier than anyone ever has. But the thing is- you don't even care. And even if you did, you never showed it. You would always get angry, irrational and stop talking to me. That was why I was always worried. Because I was worried there would be a point where you wouldn't start talking to me again. But after a while, I knew we would but now I am not so sure. And the thing is, I beat myself up over being upset because of you. People tell me not to but how do I not after losing a best friend? I am just tired of putting on a brave face because of you. I don't want it to just be a mask anymore. I want to be brave. I want to have optimism that you will talk to me again.
Yet as much as all of this hurts, I am glad that I was brave at a point and decided that my feelings did have precedence over yours. I stopped worrying about whether you would get upset that I was going out with someone when you cut me off. And I have never been happier. I only wish you were enough of a friend to be happy for me. Enough of a friend to care and to remind me why we were friends in the first place. I just want to hear from you because it feels like I can't stand it much longer. Whenever I am alone, my thoughts stray to where things went wrong and how I could have saved our friendship. Whenever I am alone for a long period of time, just like now, I end up in tears because of you.
I saw a quote someone posted on facebook today, it said:
"Never regret something that once made you smile"
I don't regret our friendship. The only thing I regret is letting you get to me the way you do.
Love,
Brisbane
