Well, it's Fall. Another season has come and gone, yet I have changed so much in the past few months. I am so happy now. My room is no longer a reminder of how alone I felt a year ago, but it is back to being a place where I can dance to music and go crazy. I've thought about it now and again but I'm listening to happier music now, even. I mean it wasn't like I was really upset during the spring but I never really felt like I was truly over what had happened, where as now I do. The past few months have served as closure for a few different things. Seeing J and everyone again was fantastic! It made me come to terms with leaving the first time because I know that no matter what happens, we all love each other and can go back to being so comfortable with each other even after a year of not being there. The day before I left to visit everyone in Istanbul, I talked to Doctor and have a new outlook on everything. I saw her in the halls today and didn't really feel extreme anger or sadness, but just some uneasiness which is a lot better than before.
I was also talking to my friend on skype not long ago. I told my viking friend that I'm happier about living in Ottawa now. I still miss Istanbul like crazy and can have mini breakdowns but they're not as bad either because I know I can miss it but that doesn't mean I can't be happy here. It's a good mix. I've been in a relationship for a month an a bit and I couldn't be happier. He just makes me love who I am because I get to be with him.
I'm just so content with where I am.
Love,
Brisbane.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
*Insert Creative Name Here*
Hey. So I'm pretty well done my first week of school and it's been all over the place. I have great teachers this year and I love my spare. The work load is going to get bad but that's why I have my spare. I'm pretty content with this year so far. I'm really starting to get excited about being a senior. The only thing I'm kind of uneasy about is being Co-Prez. I still feel like I'm stepping on toes and need to prove myself. Last night, my friend who is also Co-Prez ("Puj") mentioned that from now on she will discuss all SC matters with me and hopes that I don't feel like she's taking over. But the thing is, she was kind of right about that. I feel like since Puj and the Vice-Prez have been together on Student Council together since grade 9 and they have been in Link Crew together they thought it was just going to be them running SC this year. I feel like since I came in to the picture, I'm almost stepping on toes and they're brushing me aside. I feel like Puj thinks she doesn't really need to discuss things with me because she and the Vice-Prez are kind of the experts, in a way.
So to kind of prove myself, I was prepared this morning for the first meeting which all went pretty well. And tonight, I decided to go to the Parent Council meeting to see what's up and to take initiative. But awkwardly enough, it wasn't tonight. It's next week. It was fun. My spirits were crushed. I wasn't the only one who mixed it up- there was another lady there. But it just didn't help to improve my mood about Council.
On the bright side though, Ken and I are doing great. He's going to Ottawa U and isn't in residence so it's great that we can see each other fairly often because we live really close to each other. We hung out on the weekend and he is incredibly sweet and really funny. Some of the stuff he says or does just stays with me. I mean we're really random together but that's what makes it interesting I guess. We skyped the other night because I was frustrated about thinking about Uni and I made a weird face at one point. He joked about coming to my house if I didn't stop and a few minutes later, we're on the phone while he's outside my house at 11 pm and I'm in my spare room talking to him because my parents were in bed and wouldn't be able to sneak out without making too much noise. And he just says things in this distinct voice when he's being sincere and it makes me so happy that we're together.
I mean last night, I went to grab a notebook to use for Student Council and I found two entries of a journal I had started in October. I talked about Doctor and how I just wanted things to get better soon. I remembered writing it. It was kind of a weird experience because those feelings are still fresh in my mind. I remembered the only thing I hoped for at the time was for all of the Doctor drama to go away and to be cured of acid reflux. That was all I dreamed of. And I knew it would get better but I didn't know when or how good it would get. But I wasn't upset reading those entries because I knew the ending. I wanted to slap my past self and tell her that it does get better. It was worth the wait. Because it gets a lot better. With an incredible boyfriend, amazing friends and a happy outlook on life. Carpe Diem.
Love,
Brisbane
PS: Today is suicide awareness day and my heart goes out to everyone who have ever thought about suicide, to those who have attempted and to those who have succeeded. Shen, if you're reading this, I'm glad you're still alive. I love you and you are in my heart every day.
So to kind of prove myself, I was prepared this morning for the first meeting which all went pretty well. And tonight, I decided to go to the Parent Council meeting to see what's up and to take initiative. But awkwardly enough, it wasn't tonight. It's next week. It was fun. My spirits were crushed. I wasn't the only one who mixed it up- there was another lady there. But it just didn't help to improve my mood about Council.
On the bright side though, Ken and I are doing great. He's going to Ottawa U and isn't in residence so it's great that we can see each other fairly often because we live really close to each other. We hung out on the weekend and he is incredibly sweet and really funny. Some of the stuff he says or does just stays with me. I mean we're really random together but that's what makes it interesting I guess. We skyped the other night because I was frustrated about thinking about Uni and I made a weird face at one point. He joked about coming to my house if I didn't stop and a few minutes later, we're on the phone while he's outside my house at 11 pm and I'm in my spare room talking to him because my parents were in bed and wouldn't be able to sneak out without making too much noise. And he just says things in this distinct voice when he's being sincere and it makes me so happy that we're together.
I mean last night, I went to grab a notebook to use for Student Council and I found two entries of a journal I had started in October. I talked about Doctor and how I just wanted things to get better soon. I remembered writing it. It was kind of a weird experience because those feelings are still fresh in my mind. I remembered the only thing I hoped for at the time was for all of the Doctor drama to go away and to be cured of acid reflux. That was all I dreamed of. And I knew it would get better but I didn't know when or how good it would get. But I wasn't upset reading those entries because I knew the ending. I wanted to slap my past self and tell her that it does get better. It was worth the wait. Because it gets a lot better. With an incredible boyfriend, amazing friends and a happy outlook on life. Carpe Diem.
Love,
Brisbane
PS: Today is suicide awareness day and my heart goes out to everyone who have ever thought about suicide, to those who have attempted and to those who have succeeded. Shen, if you're reading this, I'm glad you're still alive. I love you and you are in my heart every day.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Senior Year Rant
Holy shit. Shitty shit shit fucking shit.
So basically I'm freaking out and it hasn't even been a week since my senior year began. I mean it isn't like I'm unhappy. Not at all- this is the happiest I've been in years. And it isn't like I'm really stressed. Not the same kind of stress I'm used to at least. But I'm freaking out.
So first off, do you know that weird feeling when you start your first day of school because it's change and change can make people anxious? Well I'm one of those people, especially with big change. My first day of school, I had a mini panic attack before I left because it felt like The Beginning Of The End. It doesn't feel right that I'm graduating this year. There's so much pressure to get good grades this year (not like I wasn't putting enough pressure on my grades already), especially for university. I'll get on to universities later but on top of trying to get good grades, I'm Co-Prez. Yes, I am extremely happy with this but I still feel a bit guilty for taking it away from the girl who got Vice Prez. And because she was so dedicated to Student Council, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone that I can be just as good on Student Council and be an awesome Co-Prez like what I'm expected to be. But it's hard sometimes because I feel like it's just my friend (other Co-Prez) and the Vice Prez who are in "cahoots" with each other. I understand that they're doing a bit more right now because they've been on Student Council at this school before and I haven't here. So it's understandable. I just keep feeling the need to prove myself to them, the student body, the teacher and especially to myself. That's a lot of pressure.
And university applications are coming up. University presentations are beginning in like a week and a half so I need to start thinking about where I'm going to go and what I want to do. I have a few in mind but I don't know specifically the journey I need to take to get to where I want to go or what it entails. I know I want to be a Forensic Chemist and I know the basis of the job but I have no idea if there is any specific training I need. And on top of that, I feel like I don't know anything about university. I mean I only vaguely know what an undergrad is! I feel kind of stupid because of it. People ask me what I want to do and what I need to get there and I always feel like an idiot because it feels like I don't know shit. I mean I don't even know if I'm ready for university. I know I still have a while to go but if I don't feel all "let's do this" then who says I want to go to a university far away? I know I want to get out of Ottawa but things can change. People put so much pressure on decisions this year that sometimes it feels like this is my only shot at being happy and successful. I'm intimidated by everything about university. Yes, I want to go out and start my life but I feel too young. I want someone to give me all the information I need and say "go, figure your shit out" because that would be helpful as fuck. I'm debating about going to see the guidance counselor about it but it's not like she knows exactly what I need to do and what universities have the program I want or need.
All my life, I have planned everything out. From what to wear, to what my weekend looks like, to where I want to go with my life. But this is the first time it feels like there are too many variables to figure out a plan. I need to get all of my information and sort through it. I need to calm down and stop trying to be perfect and trying to meet what I believe everyone's expectations of me are. I'm so frustrated.
Carpe Diem. "Seize the day"; that day won't be there forever. It will change into a new day tomorrow. Be ready for it.
Love,
Brisbane
So basically I'm freaking out and it hasn't even been a week since my senior year began. I mean it isn't like I'm unhappy. Not at all- this is the happiest I've been in years. And it isn't like I'm really stressed. Not the same kind of stress I'm used to at least. But I'm freaking out.
So first off, do you know that weird feeling when you start your first day of school because it's change and change can make people anxious? Well I'm one of those people, especially with big change. My first day of school, I had a mini panic attack before I left because it felt like The Beginning Of The End. It doesn't feel right that I'm graduating this year. There's so much pressure to get good grades this year (not like I wasn't putting enough pressure on my grades already), especially for university. I'll get on to universities later but on top of trying to get good grades, I'm Co-Prez. Yes, I am extremely happy with this but I still feel a bit guilty for taking it away from the girl who got Vice Prez. And because she was so dedicated to Student Council, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone that I can be just as good on Student Council and be an awesome Co-Prez like what I'm expected to be. But it's hard sometimes because I feel like it's just my friend (other Co-Prez) and the Vice Prez who are in "cahoots" with each other. I understand that they're doing a bit more right now because they've been on Student Council at this school before and I haven't here. So it's understandable. I just keep feeling the need to prove myself to them, the student body, the teacher and especially to myself. That's a lot of pressure.
And university applications are coming up. University presentations are beginning in like a week and a half so I need to start thinking about where I'm going to go and what I want to do. I have a few in mind but I don't know specifically the journey I need to take to get to where I want to go or what it entails. I know I want to be a Forensic Chemist and I know the basis of the job but I have no idea if there is any specific training I need. And on top of that, I feel like I don't know anything about university. I mean I only vaguely know what an undergrad is! I feel kind of stupid because of it. People ask me what I want to do and what I need to get there and I always feel like an idiot because it feels like I don't know shit. I mean I don't even know if I'm ready for university. I know I still have a while to go but if I don't feel all "let's do this" then who says I want to go to a university far away? I know I want to get out of Ottawa but things can change. People put so much pressure on decisions this year that sometimes it feels like this is my only shot at being happy and successful. I'm intimidated by everything about university. Yes, I want to go out and start my life but I feel too young. I want someone to give me all the information I need and say "go, figure your shit out" because that would be helpful as fuck. I'm debating about going to see the guidance counselor about it but it's not like she knows exactly what I need to do and what universities have the program I want or need.
All my life, I have planned everything out. From what to wear, to what my weekend looks like, to where I want to go with my life. But this is the first time it feels like there are too many variables to figure out a plan. I need to get all of my information and sort through it. I need to calm down and stop trying to be perfect and trying to meet what I believe everyone's expectations of me are. I'm so frustrated.
Carpe Diem. "Seize the day"; that day won't be there forever. It will change into a new day tomorrow. Be ready for it.
Love,
Brisbane
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