Forgive and Forget

I have been wondering now and then whether or not to forgive Doctor and forget the entire issue. I don't mean go back to being all buddy-buddy and basically asking to be fucked with again. But my friend who got the letter a few weeks ago (his locker is right beside hers from the beginning of the year- I switched lockers because the situation with Doctor was affecting my health. I am not making this up. That is legit. Acid reflux suck) and he and my other friend talk to her. I just feel almost left out in a way because I pass them talking as a group when I go to chemistry class almost every day. I mean I understand with my one friend (not the one who got the letter) because she didn't have as much anger towards Doctor anyways- she wasn't as involved as my other friend and I (for future reference, I'm going to call that friend Flame. It has to do with his last name). I just kind of feel left out I guess because Doctor has made contact and effort to keep or regain that trust and not with me even though I was affected most by it. It just makes me feel kind of shitty that all of my efforts and stress went down the tubes. It just kind of sucks that in the end, I am the only one hurt even though I was the bigger person- Flame was kind of mean to Doctor when he accused her of lying about the pregnancy and Doctor was just immature the entire time where as I was looking out for everyone the entire time and was as mature as I could possibly have been.

I dunno I just feel weird walking past them and after months, I am still hurt by this and everyone else is just peachy. She just never made an effort. Not with the pregnancy. Not being a friend. Not trying to keep me. Not making sure I was okay. Not getting me back. It just hurts.

I had a dream the other night that she was eating with one of my friends and I went to talk to her. I made an effort to be friendly and then she just ignored me. I started yelling and crying and she didn't even look at me. Then there was a monster I think of some sort- that's when my dream got a little off-track. But I think that wasn't just a random dream. I do feel like I'm being disregarded by her. She is honestly ignoring me and all I want to do is scream at her and cry. But the thing is- I don't know if I want to forgive and forget. I mean it would be nice to if I could but I don't think it's fair to me if I have to go seeking for reassurance. I'll feel almost defeated. But she and my friends all stand there talking as a group after lunch and I walk by looking at my feet the entire time. I guess it hurts because I'm realizing that that is the type of person Doctor is. She didn't care enough before to at least back off for my sake when it became a mental and physical problem but even now she doesn't care about doing anything to make sure I'm okay.

I pretend I'm okay at school though. It's rare that I lose control when talking to someone about it. But it's hard. She sits only meters away down the hall and she has a loud voice and I hear her. Last week I asked my friend to take a walk with me. I said I just wanted to walk around but I avoided that hallway because I couldn't stand it. It's surprising how gullible people can be sometimes. Well, that isn't fair to say because they may just take pity on me and not state what they're thinking. But even when I told the odd close friend or two after the whole thing happened because they got worried, they would freak out and ask if I was okay. Obviously I would say yes and I would smile just saying that it sucked but that I'm glad it's all over. But that isn't how I feel. I feel broken and if I was saying this to someone right now I would be crying in front of them right now like I am over my computer screen. I don't know if the main reason I am sad is because it got to me and is still getting to me. I always try and be as strong as I can be but this broke me.

Love,
Brisbane

"Those Weeks"

Ever have those weeks were you just hate the world because it decides to be a bitch to you? Yep, you guessed it- one of those weeks for me. It sucks. It feels like I have "Those Weeks" almost every week now. Like they become more frequent and it's annoying. It's like when you think oh well, I haven't had a bad week in a while so I guess it was about time. It is becoming almost the opposite for me.

Don't worry or anything- it isn't like I go home and cry and sit in my room staring at my wall like I used to. I just become extremely tired, my patience is down to about zero with people, I become almost sick (not quite a cold but enough to irritate me and make me feel crappy), I get a lot of homework or I get slightly behind because I'm too tired to do it, my acid reflux makes a slight appearance sometimes, people become more aggravating and nothing seems to be in my favor. If you have had one of these weeks, then you know what I'm talking about and it wont seem as retarded with me ranting on about nothing.

But then again, there is stuff to rant about because hey- it's one of those weeks! A while ago, at a musical rehearsal, I found out a girl quit and that it was between me and two other girls for the part. Obviously I was excited because I have always wanted to sing on stage and never really was able to or confident enough. And you guessed it again- one of those weeks. I had a bad cold and could hardly talk, let alone sing, and we had to all sing Total Eclipse of the Heart. I knew I could sing that song and I know tried when I was all better and I didn't sound that bad. But anyways, another girl got the part. She was an amazing singer though so I kind of saw it coming. But the thing is, I have been at almost every rehearsal and that girl shows up maybe half the time? And she and I were talking one day and she said she was really stressed and sometimes wished that she never got the part. I almost broke down right there. It was my dream to be able to sing on stage and my confidence has been on a roller coaster ride for years about my voice. My last school had favorites so I never was able to have anything even close to a solo and so they would almost ignore you during most of the rehearsals and cast you aside. Well I feel like it's happening here too. Sure the people in the musical here are more fun but they still have favorites who get all the solos and cast the others aside. I don't even have a single line and I have only missed maybe 5 rehearsals for over 4 months. It's just aggravating because so many people have told me how they really wanted me to get the part. I dunno, it just sucks and I get really emotional and cranky about it because some of my friends are really confident with singing (for good reason, obviously) and I'm always happy for them but it feels really awkward when they burst out in beautiful song and you stand there awkwardly as they almost show off to you subconsciously. sdflksdjflkds. That is how I feel on the inside even though I smile to people about this stuff.

So I think I'll spare you for now (if you made it this far, even). That has been the main thing that's been bugging me for a while now. I guess when things like that come up you just need to go along and see what happens. I mean hey- a few years ago I honestly never sang- never. Too self conscious and had no talent whatsoever. And after one audition for a play (regular play- not musical but you had to sing to audition) and I became more confident and I have been in three musicals. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

I See How It Is...

Ouch. Thanks, yo. "Whatevs". I guess I see how I meant to you..

So I guess you guys need some context now, huh? Well today in my physics class, my friend who went through the whole Doctor situation with me handed me this folded piece of lined paper and said "Doctor gave it to me". I honestly have to say I was slightly shocked because no matter what it was going to say, she still actually made contact with us. The letter ended up talking about how thankful she was and how utterly sorry she was even though she knew it wouldn't make a difference. I mean it isn't like I'm angry that my friend got that letter and I didn't because I knew he went through a lot also and was really angry and hurt also, just in a different way. So for the rest of last period I felt like shit because I made so much effort to be the bigger person in Doctor and I's whole relationship and not sink to her level and she gave a letter of apology to the person who was the person to interrogate her about if the baby was real or not and stuff like that. I don't want to sound like a bitch and I kind of feel like one now for thinking about all of this but I just feel really betrayed even by its a person who I decided doesn't own my life anymore. It just kind of feels like all of my efforts to make sure she was okay in the end even if I was ending our friendship were all wasted. All that stress for nothing. Awesome.

The thing is, I have been waiting for something like that deep down for months, and to see it happen to someone else kind of stinks. Almost like when you train for for a big race just to have someone else win it who ate a chocolate cake before the race. I mean I'm kind of happy for my friend because he seemed really relaxed about everything and kind of brushed it off saying that he wanted to get rid of all of the tension and stuff. Understandable, understandable. But I guess what I'm saying is that it still sucks for me. Everything for the past while for me with the Doctor situation sucked for me. Awesome.

Love,

Brisbane

I Think I'm In Love With You

So last week I was going to write a post where I express my feelings for this guy. Then I deleted it because it was really cliche. But tonight I realized that he probably already knows my feelings cause he can apparently read my mind.. or he's just creepy :) Thanks for checking up on me all the time and making me feel special and all warm and fuzzy inside.

Love,

Brisbane

Ahhh Why Are You Still Getting To Me??

WHAT IS GOING ON? Ugh its been such a long time it seems from the time that I walked away from Doctor forever but she still gets to me. I mean, I'm pretty much all better it's just some weeks are better than others and last week wasn't a good week. I see her in the halls and I can't help but wonder about so many things- was it all true? Did she even care that I left? Why is it still getting to me? Why do I even care? Has she even talked about me or had any slight emotions of sorrow when I left? What the fuck is going on? 

I really want to go up to Doctor and just tell her off some days when I pass her. But that would be awkward with a lecture on how you should treat people. Some days I attempt to stare her down and hope she understands it through my eyes because I'm pretty sure they would show anger and misery but every time we make eye contact I look away really quickly and then feel really awkward, and thus can't see the look on her face to tell me any information (which happened on thursday actually). I thought that when I wrote her a very emotionless letter saying that I couldn't deal with anything anymore, that she would have a heart and either apologize or acknowledge it somehow but nope. She seemed really happy in Law class because sometimes people near me would have big conversations and she would talk to me in them- I'd be polite and respond but I never initiated it. But that's what gets me- it's like she used me and didn't even care that I left. Like what the hell? She knew everything that went through my mind and how it was affecting me but I stayed with her for six long months and nothing?!?! And I would almost cry in that class. She sat across the isle from me and I could hardly stand it and at the beginning of the year, I convinced her to stay in that class with me- kind of ironic, right?

I just wish that somehow someone would let her know that she can't do that to people because I am the only one. I can name over 5 people off the top of my head that I know were personally hurt by something like this- no, not all pregnancy but most were from the same time as me when she got "pregnant". But I am serious, I would marry whoever would stand up to her. I mean it isn't like she's really intimidating and stuff but it's just the fact that someone would stand up for me and for everyone else that got hurt by her. She just always gets really defensive and you can't get a word in and then she stomps whenever you're within earshot- yeah, she's one of those. Why I became friends with her? I'm not too sure. Maybe I didn't know her well enough or the people hurt by her. Maybe if there is a God he had this life lesson for me. Maybe it was kismet. Or maybe it was just plain bad luck that I didn't see the signs. 

I still cry over it. Not because she's still stressing me out directly (well kind of), but the fact that she got to me and that I have changed so much from this and not all in a good way. Sure I'm more cautious with friends now or with secrets. Maybe I'm more mature. But I am also very fragile now, attempting not to break again until I put myself back together. Whenever I think about her I feel this weight on my chest and that stupid lump you get in your throat when you're going to cry. Before, I kept saying that I didn't care if she said sorry because I felt I didn't need her apology, but I do. I just want to know she has some emotions and that she didn't screw me over for the hell of it and didn't care in the end. I want to know that the monster that hurt me and my close friends isn't a complete monster, and that everyone is human so I can actually grow from this painful experience- to know that the next monster that hurts me can't be emotionless. I just want to know so many things and I can't- or at least I can't really initiate it. Let's hope kismet works in my favor this time, and let's take it one day at a time. Carpe Diem

Love,

Brisbane