A Burden

This past month has been a hard one, and lately it feels like I have been getting more and more bad news or more frequent bad days. These type of months have happened to me before. Those months where it feels like what you are doing with your life just isn't worth it anymore. That keeping up with who you are is too much. And in these months, I always feel like I am losing myself which has always been a scary thought to me. It feels like with every piece of bad news, no matter how small it is, just brings me closer to the edge. That with each piece of bad news or every bad day is finally going to lead me to the edge where the ground crumbles and I give up on the world. Not on life, no. I have been in these states because of news of others thinking about giving up on life. I will not do that to others. But it does feel like the moment I fall beneath the earth is my breaking point. And every day in these months feels like I am just about there, that it is just around the corner. 

I think these months also make my emotions spiral downwards. That with every negative thought provokes more and I just make myself feel worse. I know it happens but I can't stop it. I keep making mountains out of mole hills and I keep burdening not only myself but everyone else. I spread the negativity if I'm in a bad mood whether it is unintentionally or if I am talking to someone about how I feel. The thing is, because my boyfriend is always here for me, it feels like I almost abuse that fact. I know I'm supposed to talk to him about my problems and how I feel and not lie when he asks me how I am but I just keep feeling like I'm either annoying him or burdening him. Not annoying as in he wants me to stop but annoying in the sense that I don't want him to think that this is a new me. Yes, people change but I don't want him to think this is me, relating back to the idea that I lose myself sometimes. I know he worries about me though. And I know how it feels to worry about so many people and that is how I get into these states sometimes. I just don't like being a kill-joy because of it. And I want to tell him that I'm sorry that I keep doing this to him and not to worry because I know these times end. I want to stop having to talk to people about how I feel and sometimes its just the fact that I feel these negative emotions that bothers me. I should be happier. I have so much positivity going on in my life. But it feels like I am never truly satisfied with those positive things. And I have learned to tell people about the negativity and to ask for help from what happened last year. But it feels like I'm going through extremes. And this stuff just makes me feel like a cry baby or one of those annoying emotional people everyone just wants to get away from. Then the cycle continues and I feel worse. I find myself crying on my bed writing the the entire world and yet no one at all because this way I feel like I don't quite burden anyone. That I can say these things without quite being that dramatic emotional wreak. I just want to see my problems as others see them- as tiny and stupid. 

I know it will get better, it's just getting there. I just don't want to change for the worse in the mean time or lose myself in all this negativity. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy, I want to be happy. And fully happy. I'm not saying I'm never happy anymore, I'm just saying that everything feels slightly bitter. There is nothing in my life right now that I can think of that I am truly happy about. Not myself. Not my relationship because I'm going to Uni out of town. I worry about my friends. Council is giving me problems. School is stressing me out and my acid reflux has been acting up this past month along with everything to go for the ride. 

I'm just tired of waiting. For the edge or for things to improve. 

Love,

Brisbane