A Burden

This past month has been a hard one, and lately it feels like I have been getting more and more bad news or more frequent bad days. These type of months have happened to me before. Those months where it feels like what you are doing with your life just isn't worth it anymore. That keeping up with who you are is too much. And in these months, I always feel like I am losing myself which has always been a scary thought to me. It feels like with every piece of bad news, no matter how small it is, just brings me closer to the edge. That with each piece of bad news or every bad day is finally going to lead me to the edge where the ground crumbles and I give up on the world. Not on life, no. I have been in these states because of news of others thinking about giving up on life. I will not do that to others. But it does feel like the moment I fall beneath the earth is my breaking point. And every day in these months feels like I am just about there, that it is just around the corner. 

I think these months also make my emotions spiral downwards. That with every negative thought provokes more and I just make myself feel worse. I know it happens but I can't stop it. I keep making mountains out of mole hills and I keep burdening not only myself but everyone else. I spread the negativity if I'm in a bad mood whether it is unintentionally or if I am talking to someone about how I feel. The thing is, because my boyfriend is always here for me, it feels like I almost abuse that fact. I know I'm supposed to talk to him about my problems and how I feel and not lie when he asks me how I am but I just keep feeling like I'm either annoying him or burdening him. Not annoying as in he wants me to stop but annoying in the sense that I don't want him to think that this is a new me. Yes, people change but I don't want him to think this is me, relating back to the idea that I lose myself sometimes. I know he worries about me though. And I know how it feels to worry about so many people and that is how I get into these states sometimes. I just don't like being a kill-joy because of it. And I want to tell him that I'm sorry that I keep doing this to him and not to worry because I know these times end. I want to stop having to talk to people about how I feel and sometimes its just the fact that I feel these negative emotions that bothers me. I should be happier. I have so much positivity going on in my life. But it feels like I am never truly satisfied with those positive things. And I have learned to tell people about the negativity and to ask for help from what happened last year. But it feels like I'm going through extremes. And this stuff just makes me feel like a cry baby or one of those annoying emotional people everyone just wants to get away from. Then the cycle continues and I feel worse. I find myself crying on my bed writing the the entire world and yet no one at all because this way I feel like I don't quite burden anyone. That I can say these things without quite being that dramatic emotional wreak. I just want to see my problems as others see them- as tiny and stupid. 

I know it will get better, it's just getting there. I just don't want to change for the worse in the mean time or lose myself in all this negativity. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy, I want to be happy. And fully happy. I'm not saying I'm never happy anymore, I'm just saying that everything feels slightly bitter. There is nothing in my life right now that I can think of that I am truly happy about. Not myself. Not my relationship because I'm going to Uni out of town. I worry about my friends. Council is giving me problems. School is stressing me out and my acid reflux has been acting up this past month along with everything to go for the ride. 

I'm just tired of waiting. For the edge or for things to improve. 

Love,

Brisbane

Thoughts.

The single, simple word that distinguishes one human being from the other. It is something we all possess and something we are all confined to. We cannot escape them, no matter how hard we try. We make these attempts to escape them in different ways- the same ways we deal with pain. These can be described through four doors in our mind. The last book I read brought this up. The first door is sleep, the second is forgetting, the third is madness and the fourth is death. But the only way to truly to escape the thoughts we possess is through the fourth and final door. The last resort.

This week I have had a lot on my mind. A lot of different thoughts and opinions. This is due to the amount and variety of news I have received this week. This week was strange; there was a lot of back and fourth with my emotions.

First off, I will begin with the news I received throughout the week. The first was pretty good news. I got the part of Hermia in A Midsummer Night's Dream for my school play. I was so excited about this, despite the fact that my social life will be depleting vastly until the play is over due to rehearsals. But still, it gives me something else to think about. It gives me someone else to be momentarily and have fun doing so. That night, my boyfriend called me and congratulated me and when we were talking we ended up on the topic of next year (I'm going away to university and he is going into his second year here). We didn't say much but what I got out of it was that he is very optimistic about our relationship continuing. That gave me an incredible amount of happiness that had me smiling like an idiot for the rest of the night.

But things took a turn the next day. I was upset a bit in the morning because I miss Istanbul and a few other things were on my mind which I will get to later. That was all pretty normal for me though- nothing too extreme. The thing that got me was a friend told me something that day that had me choking back tears until I got home and started sobbing. I think today is the first day since Tuesday that I haven't cried because of it. It feels like a dream every time I think back on that conversation. It was almost like I was in shock for a bit where I would just sit on my bed feeling numb with the only things I could feel was a headache and the sick feeling in my stomach. Id really like to talk about this with someone but I promised I wouldn't tell anyone what my friend said which I understand- it is not my story to tell and it is a personal matter. I just don't like being confined to my thoughts alone. Where no one else can plant theirs into my brain so I can work out which one to feed.

Other news I got was either good or not that bad- I found out I am able to go on a science trip to NYC with my friends which is really exciting and my trip to Istanbul will now be a family trip in the summer. Those were amazing things to hear. It gives me something to look forward to. But this weekend, my boyfriend was out of town for a tournament which I wasn't too upset about- it's just a weekend but we haven't been able to talk or see each other very much this week and it's a week that I'd really like to see him and try and hide my thoughts through the second door. I was going to see him tonight but his team made it into the finals and they left later so it will be too late for me to go out when he gets back. Also, the friend that gave me the bad news had to cancel on me twice this weekend as well as another friend. This may just sound like retarded complaints to you but when you've had a shit week, the only two things you want to include talking and distractions. Obviously since I'm writing this, I was unsuccessful due to my lack of company. It's just disappointing.

The other thing I will discuss are the other thoughts on my mind- not just about the news this week but the ones that I've had for a little while. I'm thinking about messaging J again and asking to forget about everything and get back to where we were as friends. I just miss him and I meant what I said before when I told him that I am willing to fight for our friendship. I'm not angry anymore. Sad? Yes, I am still sad and hurt. But I've been hurt before and I know I will be hurt by people in the future but it is how we move past that hurt that determines who we are. I'm also very stressed about grades. I feel like I need to get scholarships for my parents for university even though my tuition is already paid for through an RESP. But it's weird- I'm not working harder or applying for scholarships. I'm almost fighting them. I don't know why though. I know I should but I feel like I'm fighting because I feel discouraged and don't want to waste my time and get stressed out. But I'm stressing out even more about grades to try and get a 90% average. I just haven't done anything to change my habits. I want to but I'm resisting. It is a conflict of thoughts, I guess.

The thing with thoughts is that it is very hard to change them. I can't change how I feel about the different things I have experienced this week or my thoughts. Have you ever been in an argument with someone and you keep arguing anyways because you don't want to be considered wrong? It's kind of like that but you're arguing with yourself. I just get worried about what those thoughts do to us. I have had first hand experience in the physical effects but I know many people that have had their thoughts lead them to self harm and attempt in suicide. I'm just tired of thinking and developing thoughts and knowing other people are having worse thoughts than "how am I going to get a 90 average".

So the only thing we can do is to try and accept these thoughts and then move from there to either act on them if they are positive or figure out how to stop them if they lead to something negative.

So I guess those are my thoughts on thoughts.

Love,

Brisbane

Conflicted

I don't even know how to feel about things anymore. I don't know my opinion about what's been going on and I don't know what I want. I hate you but miss you at the same time. I feel stupid for it because this isn't healthy and I know it but for some reason I can't get you out of my head. Sure, some days are better than others but I miss having you as a best friend. I keep getting the sense you weren't honest with me last time we spoke. I dunno, maybe I just don't want to accept that you just didn't feel like talking to me all this time. Because it's easier to have a reason to blame it on than to accept it happened because that's just how the world works. I just miss having you as a best friend. When I was ignorant of how much you could hurt me.

I'm sorry I keep blaming this on you though. I know some of it is my fault too. But at least I put in the effort. It dawned on me today that I may never see you again. I might go to Istanbul this summer again but I don't know if you'll be there. I don't know if I want you to be or not. And because I am so conflicted, I can't hold on to a single feeling and it turns into a dull, empty ache. I just feel so lost about everything. And I hoped that skyping you last month would clear things up, that I would get new information or direction of where to go. I'm not so sure I did though. I figured out that you didn't care anymore but that's it. You barely said anything for God's sake. You just sat there watching me cry and struggle to figure things out. Do you know how much that hurt? I remember you'd be the first person I would go to if I had a problem. I would always talk to you and you'd help me figure things out. It just made me realize that our friendship is over.

I know nothing will ever be the same as it once was. But when I messaged you saying I wanted to work things out, I said that it was because friendship was worth fighting for. I feel so hypocritical now that I'm trying to accept that there is no more friendship between us. I feel so naive because I thought we would be friends for a lot longer than this. Maybe not forever but a hell of a lot longer than this. And if our friendship ended, I expected there to be a reason. And I didn't expect to feel this way. I didn't expect it to be so hard listening to some of the songs I used to listen to because they remind me of you. I remember listening to Syndicate while driving to the airport when I was moving away. I remember staring back at my town when we went around the last bend before the sun came up and I thought of you. Every time I hear that song I think of you. I'm just so tired of ending up in tears because of it.

How Are You Still Getting to Me?

I am not going to pretend I don't miss you, because I do. I miss talking to you, laughing with you and being your friend. How is it that a relationship between two people can change and become polar opposite so suddenly? I just don't understand how you have been ignoring me for so long after we used to be so close. I used to always think that if you truly cared about someone that it was almost impossible to treat them badly but you have proved me wrong.

People don't seem to understand how I am feeling. I pass it off that I am angry at you because I am but that has never been the full story. I just find that I now resort to my own thoughts to try and figure out where everything went wrong because talking to other people gets me no where and I told you I would leave you be for the time being. But that has always been a dangerous strategy for me- to leave these thoughts to myself but I just don't see the point anymore. I simply burdens those I tell, and it all becomes redundant since I always get the same reactions, responses and advice- to just forget about you. But I can't. You were such a huge part of my life when I was in Istanbul and even when I got back. Remember when we used to skype almost every day after school? Well now I don't even hear from you after pleading like an idiot. And that is all I am right now. An idiot for allowing you to do this to me- to torture me with the unknown. I asked you for the simplest thing- an explanation and you disregarded everything through your own selfishness. I don't regret being friends with you. I simply regret some of the decisions I have made while knowing you.

I always let you get to me like no one else can. You always had a way of making sure that I was always cautious about your feelings. I would always put your happiness first. When our best friend said he liked me when we were going out, when I moved back, when you asked me out again and I was worried it would cause more pain and you were even on my mind when trying to figure out whether or not my feelings came before yours when I found the person who makes me happier than anyone ever has. But the thing is- you don't even care. And even if you did, you never showed it. You would always get angry, irrational and stop talking to me. That was why I was always worried. Because I was worried there would be a point where you wouldn't start talking to me again. But after a while, I knew we would but now I am not so sure. And the thing is, I beat myself up over being upset because of you. People tell me not to but how do I not after losing a best friend? I am just tired of putting on a brave face because of you. I don't want it to just be a mask anymore. I want to be brave. I want to have optimism that you will talk to me again.

Yet as much as all of this hurts, I am glad that I was brave at a point and decided that my feelings did have precedence over yours. I stopped worrying about whether you would get upset that I was going out with someone when you cut me off. And I have never been happier. I only wish you were enough of a friend to be happy for me. Enough of a friend to care and to remind me why we were friends in the first place. I just want to hear from you because it feels like I can't stand it much longer. Whenever I am alone, my thoughts stray to where things went wrong and how I could have saved our friendship. Whenever I am alone for a long period of time, just like now, I end up in tears because of you.

I saw a quote someone posted on facebook today, it said:
"Never regret something that once made you smile"
I don't regret our friendship. The only thing I regret is letting you get to me the way you do.

Love,
Brisbane

Well Needed

When you have a shit week and then find out you have gotten in on early acceptance to the University of Windsor. I really needed this. I can't even describe how happy I am that I have achieved even early acceptance.

Ahhh!! I thought this day would never come!

Love,

Brisbane

Attempting to get my chem summative to work..

I love figuring things out

I Need a Break

I haven't felt this feeling in a long time. The feeling of numbness periodically throughout my days. I can't really remember how it started this time but I have been having a rough few weeks and I feel like I have hit my breaking point. I don't really have a distinct reason why and I could just be very dramatic but this is what has been eating at me:

Stuff with J. It has been getting better. I have found a way to get a bit of closure but the question of why is still nagging at me. I know people have told me that they would be angry in my position and I kind of am but I feel more upset and guilty even though I'm not sure I did anything wrong. I have been told not to feel guilty for that reason, but I know I have hurt him. If not now, I have in the past and I am aware that I have changed him. I always try to affect people in a positive way- so if I leave them, I leave them in a better state if possible. But I know that it hasn't been the case with J, no matter how hard I have tried. I know he is more cynical about things now, especially on relationships and I feel bad about that. I feel guilty that in some twisted way in his mind, there was a reason to block me out. And I started feeling better about it on the weekend but then I broke my phone (I'll get to that) and I can't use the screen anymore, thus I cannot do anything with my phone. I can, however see that I have received text messages and one from whatsapp. I know I may just be getting my hopes up but I feel like there is a chance it is J. And the question whether it is him or not has been bothering me like crazy.

School and my future. I applied to university last night so that is all done and out of the way but I am still super stressed with school. I have been working hard to try and get good grades and I have been but I keep wanting to get better ones because I'm scared about making it in to university. Everyone has told me that I will almost definitely be accepted but I can't help but be scared about it. And now it isn't even getting accepted that's bothering me. I keep wondering if I am ready to go to university or not- if I should maybe take a year off. I just keep stressing out about school and I just feel like it will get worse in university. And am I ready to leave? I keep wanting to escape this place and go away for a while but I feel like there is a lot holding me back. I'm not worried about being mature enough but am I mentally able to handle university at this point? Another is leaving people behind. People say that you will keep in touch with the ones that matter and that is true in a sense but it isn't always. Trust me, when you move halfway around the world, you realize that keeping in touch with people you promise to stay in touch with doesn't always work out.

I will, however, be glad to get away from my sister. She has been stressing a lot lately over her night school course and had been taking it out on me for a while now. She is writing the exam in a little while so I guess it will get better but she has just been mean to me lately- especially when my parents are out. They were gone for the weekend and she and I got into an argument and we were screaming at each other. I went up into my room and threw the first thing in my hand without thinking- my cell phone. I know it is just a phone but I rely on it for a lot of things and a lot of people rely on the fact that I can get back to them. I just feel so guilty about breaking it though because it was unbelievably stupid and it did nothing to help me- it just caused more problems. I'm not able to talk to my boyfriend as often and I feel like I have begun to rely on him a lot lately to brighten my mood. We can still talk and skype and what not but getting his kind or funny texts throughout the day always make me smile. My parents said they will get me another one for Christmas as long as it doesn't happen again even though I told them I was sorry and that I will pay for a new one. It was nice of them not to be really angry about it but it's one of those "I'm disappointed in you" situations.

Another thing to add on to that is that I feel like I can't really talk to my parents about things. I know they told me a while ago that they have always respected my space and that they never wanted to pry but I have grown up not being able to talk to them about my problems and to get guidance from them. It feels unnatural now to even think about talking to them about these things. They know I have been really upset lately but they haven't really asked why. They asked quickly when they saw me crying and I just said that it feels like everything is piling up and it is overwhelming but they didn't ask for any elaboration. I guess I kind of want them to. I want to feel like they really care and want to help me feel better. And no, I'm not going to go up to them to talk- especially to my mom because I always get something like "I told you so", "you're being silly" or it leads to something that is all my fault. Don't get me wrong- my mom is really nice but I find she just isn't good at making me feel better about my problems. Last year with the Doctor stuff- the last time I had this numb feeling- she basically told me I was being dramatic and wasn't trying to help myself. Thanks mom- great talk.

I know I am not along- far from it. I know I can talk to my friends and my boyfriend and I do, but I just feel bad that I am putting these stupid problems on people. And that's how I feel when I tell them these problems- that its all so stupid. It does help a little- talking to them but I just want to talk to someone who isn't bias and won't worry about it afterwards. I can talk to the guidance counselor but I talked to her the week before about some stuff- I didn't get too in depth with it but I just don't feel like it anymore to be honest. I feel like I won't get anything out of it because these problems are so ridiculous.

I just want to make sure I don't burden people with my problems like I often find people doing to me. There is this one girl who does it frequently. It is a really one-sided friendship and that is the only reason she really talks to me- it's when she has a problem. I think she has only asked me how I'm doing a handful of times that I have known her (which is for about 2 years now?). And I can't just say "I can't deal with your problems anymore" because that would make me a bitch and I can't do that to her. But the thing is- I don't even really know what the problem is half the time. She talks to me about what she should do and refers to everything as "when it happened" or "it threw everything off balance" and I don't even know what "it" is, so I can't even give her honest advice. I'm just tired of dealing with the problems of random people and getting nothing in return. I'm not looking for anything but it would be nice to be able to talk to them about my problems and get advice in return.

I just keep feeling like I have this facade that I carry out day by day. That I can handle anything and am always so calm and composed. I try and give off the impression I am always collected and I do have a lot of patience but I am just so tired of keeping it up. It sounds weird but it takes a lot of energy to be nice to people. It honestly does. Because you always have to restrain how you really feel in some cases, you always have to do what's best for them and you always have to be whoever they need you to be. I stayed home today- I told my mom it was to work on summatives (which it was) but the other reason was because I didn't want to go to school and put on the facade again. I just don't have the will power or energy to do it. I need a break from it to return to who I am.

Normally, I forget a lot of my problems when I'm with my boyfriend. Our relationship has really grown and I always feel so happy and optimistic around him. I know I can talk to him about anything but I just feel stupid talking about what's been eating at me lately. He knows most of it but I didn't want to bring up one thing- the fact that I feel like our relationship is bitter sweet because I'm not sure where I will be a year from now. I did talk to him a bit about it a few weeks ago. I told him I didn't want to go in to it because we don't even know what will happen or if we will still be together. I really hope we will be though- I have a feeling we can because we talk about things long-term and we are really good together. I believe that if we do make it that long, that it is worth continuing because I don't plan on going far if I do make it in to university but I can't help but worry. Every time university comes up, he is one of the first things that pop into my mind. I mean I'm not going to stay in Ottawa just because of him- I know that it won't be the right thing and I know he won't let me stay only for him. I also know that we may not even be together then but I can't help but wonder what the end will be like for us. It sounds stupid, I know. And I am aware that it could be a long time from now- so there's no point in worrying about it, right? I'm not going to change anything I do now because of these thoughts and I feel guilty about having them but I just want to enjoy the present with him and worry about the end when it happens. It all just feels bitter sweet because I know there is a high probability of it ending.

I think that is pretty much it for now. I just really needed to get that out of my system. I know I will feel better soon, and I know the holidays are coming up in less than two weeks but I just really need that break now. I'm just so tired of everything.

Love,
Brisbane