A Letter to You, Doctor

Doctor,

I only have one question to ask you; what was the truth? I could never tell and still can't. I can make educated guesses but it gets me no where because it isn't the truth, rather an opinion of what it might be. I keep wondering why you would lie, but most of all why I believed you. Because you were my friend- that's why. Friendship is built on trust- it's what guides friendship and what stems a healthy relationship. But that trust didn't bring me to a place of friendship. I keep getting mad at myself that I didn't figure things out sooner- that I didn't end our friendship the moment my trust for you ended. In fact, it wasn't even me who initially thought of it. It was a friend's dad. He asked the question if all of it was real, and question eventually carried out to me. It still feels like it wasn't real, though- not just baby June, but what actually happened. It feels like I spent so much time wondering if everything was real that whenever I think about it now, it feels like it was all a dream and not reality.

There is one thing, Doctor, that I would like to say to you. Thank you. The fucked up situation you concocted has destroyed me and from the ashes that was my mind rose a new version of me. I have been angry at the lies for so long that I have finally gotten over being angry at you, rather grateful in some twisted way. Doctor, you have showed me a different kind of strength in myself. You have taught me to be careful. You have taught me to hold back. Most of all, you've taught me that it's okay to ask for help sometimes. Because of you, I have become someone very different on the inside. People don't realize very much how I have changed, but I realize it every now and then when I remember how I used to be. I am more open now. I want to make a change now. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did, so I want to do something about it. Because of you, I ran for Co-Prez. Not directly, but who you made me is the person who ran for Co-Prez and she is very excited to help people find a place and have people to go to if they need a breather from situations like mine last semester.

However, one thing I am not thankful for the feelings I have felt and what I still feel. You made me feel inferior at every moment. You made me feel gullible, and broken. You made me feel angry at myself for feeling that way. Hell, you made me angry that I suggested a great name that I might have chosen for my own potential daughter one day and now the name June is tarnished in my eyes. You physically made me sick. My acid reflux made last semester one of the hardest times of my life. You made me feel like no one gave a damn. I am not thankful for the feelings you forced me to feel and I will fight to make sure that no one makes me feel like that again.

Yet the year is coming to a close, Doctor. The semester that I went though with your lies has ended and the aftermath is ending. In 27 days, Doctor, I will be done with these feelings. All of them. I will force myself to no longer feel this way. I am not going to be bullied by the memories anymore. I am done with lies, I am done with the hurt feelings and I am done with the year of hell.

So when you see me in the halls next year, Doctor. You will no longer see the aftermath. When we make eye contact, you will no longer see the hurt or anger. You will see peace because I am done fighting. You win- I felt like shit. Congratulations. Well now it's my turn. Not to make you feel like shit, but to control my emotions. So here's something for the whole world to see that I have been wanting to say for months:

Fuck you.

Love,
Brisbane

P.S. 30 days and I will finally have the escape I dreamed of.

Everything But You

If you take a look at my life- it's pretty good right now. Student elections were on Thursday and I'm now co-prez with my friend which I'm excited about, my grades are really good and it feels like I finally have everything I was looking for (last semester especially). But I just realized a major part of my life is missing- you.

I read your letter again. It's the third time I've read it since you sent it to me a few months ago. It's also the third time I cried while reading it. I have no idea what is going on. What has been going on. I mean our emotions keep going back and forth between happiness, love, sadness and anger. It feels like I'll never truly get over you- just that I may not think about my feelings for you as often. Sometimes I wish I never moved away and met you because then I wouldn't be able to miss you as much as I do. I know I'm seeing you in almost 30 days but it wont be for long enough.

I just miss you so much. I miss you hugs still. The slight sent of you and ohh did you smell good aha. It sounds kind of creepy but I miss it too. When you sent me my friendship bracelet, it smelled like you and it made me the think of every hug we had and I broke down then and there. Sometimes I do regret telling you that I didn't want a long distance relationship. That part is still true but I wanted to check off 'yes' so bad when you put the cliche "will you be my girlfriend" at the end of your letter. I still do want to check it off in a way.

I just miss you. And you wrote that you learned to appreciate the phrase Carpe Diem in your letter. I learned that from you.

Love,
Brisbane

P.S. 32 days until I'll be in the same city as you again. And only a few more from there until I get another one of those memorable hugs. I miss you.

Feeling Great? Well We'll Just Have To Change That

Seriously, you know how people are always talking about balance and equilibrium like it's a way of life? Well I don't always look at it like a good thing. Like right now- some great things are happening and then they are being balanced out by shitty-ness.

First off, in my last post I talked about my sister's friends going all bitchzilla on her and about wanting to do something. Well today she was really upset so I finally had it, so I texted one of her friends. I wanted to make sure I wasn't attacking them very much, rather being the voice of reason because years of friendship shouldn't go down the drain because of one new relationship. So I texted and I also asked for my sister's friend not to tell my sister because she would get mad and really hurt. So guess what the friend did- told my sister. So basically after trying to help my sister, I've only been kind of a hindrance and now I doubt my sister will trust me as much especially with this situation. The thing is- I know it's hard for her anyways but knowing she doesn't have many people to talk to because her friends are being assholes means she will feel even more alone. It sucks. I just wanted to help but like every other time in my life, whenever I try and help a situation, I just kind of screw things up and leave people worse off than before.

On top of that, elections are in a few days and my speech is going really well- the teacher who runs student council really liked it and my dad and I tweaked it and now I really like it too. So I was thinking that was going really well. But I need to get advertising fast. My friend and I have a bunch of plans for tomorrow and stuff but I'm so nervous. I really hope things work out well in the end..

The Cappies Gala is also coming up in a few weeks. Remember the musical I did? Well some people got nominated for this award show they do throughout the city so I decided to go with some friends from the musical. We're going to go to dinner and then to the award show to support everyone. But guess who is on the list... Doctor. Fuck- why can't I get away from her? I honestly want to punch her- how am I going to spend the night with her when I can hardly stand being 10 feet from her? I swear if she talks to me I will snap at her and then end up looking like the bitch to people. I just want it to be summer so I can escape being in the same city as her. I want to go back to where things were all good with good people. I just want to go back to Istanbul.

You know those times where you look at a memory and are so thankful for it but are so heartbroken by it that you'd rather not have had it at all? Well it's kind of like that for me. If I had never gone to Istanbul, I wouldn't have met all of those amazing people and had that amazing experience but on the other hand I wouldn't have to miss them, you know? I know I'm going back soon but I am about to explode with longing to stay there. I just want everything to work out and stay like that for a while this time.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 37 days <3

Seriously, Are You All Five Year Olds?

Let's all just take a moment to reflect on those long years you have lived. Count them. Are you five? If you are, please get off the internet but if you aren't, please don't act like one...except when having fun like watching disney movies..

So my sister has been upset for weeks because her friends are being five year olds and having bitch sessions about her because she hangs out with her boyfriend. My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for over 7 months and they are such a cute couple so they obviously spend time with each other, right? Well her friends apparently have a problem with that. They make plans the day before they want to hang out and get mad at my sister because she already has plans with her boyfriend. So now whenever she hangs out with them, they ignore her or bitch at her so she doesn't hang out with them as often. Then they get even more pissed at her and have huge bitch sessions about her.

This has been hurting her so much for so long and I really want to say something but I'm not sure if it's my place to intervene. In my opinion, they're just jealous of my sister's happiness with her boyfriend and that they may feel like her boyfriend is taking their role. But they keep getting mad at her with stupid reasons and it aggravates me so much. I mean FKDSJDHSKLF:JSDKLFS argh.

I am so excited and scared for this week. Elections are in a few days and I'm freaking out. On top of that I have 2 tests and a bunch of other crap to do like memorize my 100 lines for the children's play we're doing for drama. Well, at least it was the part I wanted- I got the role of Cinderella in Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother. It's so funny. But I also have to memorize as much of my speech as I can for Thursday. I can't wait for summer. I just want to have a day where I have nothing on my mind because I didn't even get that last summer. And I'm so excited to go back to Istanbul in 38 days. That place is like my savior. I live to go back to that place- to see everyone again. I just want those hugs I've been longing for for so long and (I know it sounds creepy but) to smell those familiar people again. You have no idea how excited I am. And one thing will be in my head when I'm there: Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

38 Days <3

20th Post.

That's right- it's my 20th post. I am so happy I made this blog because it helps me so much. I like having the fact that I can write down almost anything and get it off my chest without putting that burden on people because I'm not sure if you read this or not, and if you do which posts you have read. 

But of course, there is always stuff that bothers me. I mentioned last post that I'm running for Co-Prez at my school and it feels like I'm election- PMSing. One moment i think "this is awesome! I have a great chance and so many ideas! I'm ready for this" and then two seconds later I'm thinking "what the hell have I gotten myself into? I'm pretty much only going to get pity votes because the two others running have done so much at the school already that it's obvious I'm going to lose". I don't even know what to do. Elections are in 10 days and I'm freaking out. I have my interview tomorrow with the teacher who runs Student Council and I think the two current Co-Prez' so I'm nervous for that. I started making a few bows to hand out to people because it's different and it represents something which I'll explain on election day. I also have been thinking of stuff for me speech and different ideas I want to bring forward- Co-prez or not. 

The thing that has been bugging me though is the fact that I'm going against one of my best friends since JK. She is such a great person and would make a great co-prez and she's been doing so much for the school which makes me think she feels like I'm stepping on her territory. She has acted differently towards me since I told her I was thinking about running. I mean I knew she was running but we can talk about anything so I just brought it up to see what she'd think. She said I had a chance because I have friends and stuff but I can't really remember if she said I'd be good at it. But since then I kept going back and forth because I knew she was kind of uneasy with the idea. She's been planning on running with a friend of hers from Student Council since grade 9 so I think she got that in her head and thought it was going to be them who will become the two co-prez'. But the day I handed in my application, I texted her asking if she was okay with it just to make sure and she responded with "i hate going through the whole competition thing but you should do what you feel is best". It doesn't seem that weird, right? But I started thinking about it and I dunno if it's just me but it sounded like she almost tried to guilt-trip me into not running in a way. I doubt it was on purpose but it honestly feels like she feels like I'm stepping on her territory. It feels weird and she's been weird around me and I don't like it. I love her to death and I promised myself that this wasn't going to impact our relationship negatively but it kind of is. 

I mean I know I haven't been on student council at JMSS before or am on link crew but that doesn't mean I can't be good at it. I was on student council at my last school and have done a bunch of things. I talked to one of my chem buddies last week and she said I would make a great co-prez because I'm hard working and love to help people and make people happy. That motivated me because I realized I do want to do this for the right reason but some people have given me weird looks almost when I tell them who my competitors are. I talked one of the co-prez' a few weeks ago and asked him what he thought my friend would be like if I ran- like if she was really okay with it because he is her boyfriend. His answer really surprised me though because of the honesty. He said that even if her and the other person running have been planning on running for years that it shouldn't stop me. Having competition sucks anyways but if I run and get chosen then that means I have been chosen for a reason, and so I shouldn't let anything stop me if I really want to do this. But the thing is, I just don't want her thinking about me in this negative way. I don't want her looking at me like I'm her competition pushing up all on her grill. I think that's why I'm so uncertain about everything and why I'm PMSing. My heart is split in two almost. I want to run not just for myself but for others but at the same time I'm running against a friend. I really want to talk to her about it but she would probably mask everything and stuff. I dunno.

Whatever. It'll all be over in 10 days. Hopefully those 10 days won't screw up years of friendship though. I'm so confused.

Love,

Brisbane. 

Is It Wednesday Already?

No, seriously- this week feels like it's on turbo drive or something. I guess cause it's been kind of a weird, and busy week but it doesn't feel busy. I mean I've been doing homework and different things for school like there's no tomorrow which is great because I'm busy but it's weird how fast this week is going.

So on Sunday, I finally made a decision which is probably going to freak me out for two weeks and ultimately decide what my senior year will be like for me. I decided to run for Co-Prez. You may ask yourself "Why the fuck is this chick running for co-prez of a school she just wanted to get away from for the past few months?" but it's because I wanted to do something with those emotions. I wanted something good to come out of everything I've been feeling. I want to decrease the number of other people that are or will feel like that. I want to make a difference. Sure, this may not be the smartest choice for my acid reflux but fuck it- I will beat it and I have learned to deal with it. And I don't mind being busy- it's just stress that gets to me but again, I will learn to deal with it. The thing is though, there are two spots and three people are running. I'm going against the two badass people. Not badass competitive-like but my best friend since JK who is amazing and is probably getting one spot because she is so well-known and such a hard worker, as well as another girl who does so much for the school. I mean when you look at it like that, it makes me think "what have I gotten myself into" but the thing is- if I do get a spot, then that means that I got it for a reason, and if I don't, then hey- vice-prez it is, you know? I'm not in it for the glory or the power but just the ability to help make the school really awesome.

There are some things that I'm worried about though- the campaigning. I'm such an awkward  person I have no idea what to do and at the same time, I'm running against two great people so I don't want to be all intense and go for the cupcakes, buttons, posters and so much more. I want to keep it simple but effective. Funny but not over done. I mean I know I can make a great first impression especially if it's with a small group of people like for the interview I have to do, and I know I can make a killer speech- but only if I can write a killer speech, and I need people's interest beforehand. I'll try and figure it out though. Start a facebook group or something... aha I dunno. Wish me luck though! Tell your friends if you go to my school? aha I dunno.

Another thing I just realized a few moments ago is how I regret the times that I'm not busy enough. I mean I'm busy right now but when I am overloaded, I think of nothing but what comes next. Since I've been busy as hell the past few weeks, I haven't really been thinking and of course the first thought I get when I do think is how I feel kind of empty in a way. My sister has a boyfriend and they are so cute together. She always tells me stuff and her boyfriend and her go together like PB & J. The thing is, I'm jealous of how she feels. I mean the way she talks about him (not in a make-me-vomit kind of way) and how she always goes out with him. I just kind of want that you know? I just kind of want to like someone in that way and have them like me back. And don't pull one of those "well is there anyone you can think of?" cause there isn't anyone you should think about- if you like someone, it should come automatically. I mean there are a lot of great guys that I know but I just don't feel that way towards anyone. I don't want to look for a relationship so I guess I'm still waiting for that cute relationship where the guy will take me on a date without telling me where we're going and then take me to a random museum and then get chinese take-out and watch Batman afterwards or something. Yep- that is probably one of my ideas of a perfect date. Oh, and chocolate. Lots of chocolate :) I dunno, there are just too many cute relationships going on, it feels and I'm just waiting for my turn.

I think that's pretty much all that's on my mind right now other than how badass Batman is and shit... and how I should probably get stuff done soon because I've finally been putting stuff off.. eh whatever. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

A Breath of Fresh Air

Sorry I haven't updated you guys in a while but I've been really busy. Not the bad type of busy though- a good type. The past week has been really good for me and it's been a breath of fresh air and it's nice to savour it for once. 

Last weekend I went to the States for shopping because my sister needed a prom dress. It was really nice to get out of Ottawa for once and have a small family vacation where you'd get charged long distance for texting. It was good because it was just so chill. My sister and I bonded a bit (which is amazing because we're so close but she's been spending a lot of time with her boyfriend lately) and my family just seemed to relax. My sis did get a prom dress and it looked great on her but once we got home, she found out someone else has it so we're going to try and alter it to look a bit different. Hopefully that'll work out though.

While I was below the boarder, I did get my friend some candy. This may seem kind of random to you but we don't get the same candy here and I decided to get her some candy as an inside joke because a few weeks ago we watched Holy Musical, B@man! and oh my gosh, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. We had to pause it multiple times because we were laughing to hard and we kept missing the next line. I wont spoil it for you but if you know Batman at all, you know there are a hell of a lot of puns. So I got her candy to make a lot of puns. On the Monday I gave her the candy with my puns and she almost died laughing. Good times. And if you haven't seen Holy Musical, B@man, I recommend watching it because it was mind blowing like every other Starkid production on Youtube.

Tuesday night I went to see the Coffee House at my school. It's this thing where people sing and play music for a few hours. It was really cool- I had never been to one before but the singers were amazing. I knew a lot of the people in it and that's why I went but everyone was fantastic. One of my friends blew my mind. She was the second last performance and she has always been an amazing singer and she legit gave me shivers. I felt kind of bad though because she kept saying afterwards how she didn't take in enough air and it wasn't the greatest but I kept at her and made her feel better because she was amazing. After the Coffee House I went to my other friend's house to practice what we were going to do for the talent show on Thursday night at Leadership Camp (we couldn't perform it though because there wasn't enough time which sucked but whatever). 

Wednesday night was also really good. I had a Leadership Camp session and we found out the theme of the camp this year which was battle of the bands. My group, since we ended up being all girls, were the Spice Girls. But it was really fun. And Thursday to Friday we were actually at Leadership Camp. I miss it already. Last weekend I realized how much LC changed me last year- a guy in grade 12 that I hardly knew was in my group and I told them during polyatics that I missed Istanbul and sometimes wished I never came back, and this guy wrote me a 'warm and fuzzy' (something the camp does before going home) and he said that he was glad that I didn't stay in Istanbul. I got so emotional then and that actually really got me feeling better about being in Ottawa. This year was no different- I changed as a person after going. You just have so much fun and get so much out of it. I got so much off my chest at polyatics from this year and I learned so much. I feel like I have connected with so many people too and have stronger relationships with people in my group, including my best friend. She was the one with me during the Doctor stuff and it was the first time we really talked about that stuff after it all happened and I can't even put down in words how I'm feeling and how I felt discussing stuff with her. 

So yeah that's pretty much been my week. Oh yea, with Grade 12 drama, people are still going at it- everyone decided to do something and we're going to keep trying. But yeah. I hope things keep getting better. I know they will though- I'm going to Istanbul in 53 days, summer is also coming up as well as the Dark Knight Rises and Ice Age 4. It's gonna be a good summer :) I'm hoping it'll make up last summer. No more pregnant chicks, no more teenage drama- just friends, reading and movies. Carpe Diem

Brisbane