Insecurities.

So we all have our insecurities, right? Well I'm not sure if I'm just becoming more self aware or that I have just developed some new ones in the past while but they seem to be bugging me more and more and I keep letting them get to me. Now I am actually still hesitant about writing this stuff down because I have never really opened up this much to anyone and therefore you can't judge me on how I look at myself and you can't treat me any differently. That's the deal.

First off, I think the main thing I hate about myself is how obsessed I am with how I think people perceive me. I have this desperate need to appear almost perfect in a way. Not in a way that I brag or try and be perfect- I just want to go through life looking like I'm okay. Actually better than okay. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's because I feel that imperfections aren't just flaws but weak points or maybe it's just because I don't want people to look down at me. I honestly don't know. My best guess is that when I came back from Istanbul, people already had their opinion of me from a few years previously. But I try hard to look a certain way. I was rehearsing a drama monologue with a friend and she wanted to video tape it so I can see myself later to improve and I freaked out. I hate seeing myself on camera. I see how stupid I look and I feel ridiculous. I couldn't practice while she was recording me because I felt like everything I did was stupid or weird.

Next is the classic insecurity many people have- their physical attributes. I mean some days my self confidence goes through the roof and I am happy to look how I do but most days I don't like how I look. My hair, my complexion, my legs, my midriff, my smile... stuff like that. And when I'm having a bad day I put a lot of thought and work in to what I wear and how my make up is done because it's surprisingly easy to appear happy and confident through material and a bit of cosmetics. There are two friends that I have and almost every day they comment on my outfit and compliment me. They are such great people and I feel bad because some days when I feel bad about myself I dress up for that reason. I feel like I want to impress them and they make me feel better about myself. But the thing is, I feel like a bad person for that. I don't want to be someone who dresses a certain way to fish for compliments. I never thought I was that person and I never was until this year.

Sometimes I feel insecure even teaching people or being myself around people I am not overly close with. I mean I'm kind of a nerd and science is my life so if people need help in chemistry, let's say, then I help them. But the thing is, I feel like people classify me in a distinct way when I do that. I feel like some just look at me like this weird encyclopedia or something but not in the way one of my friends do who thinks that I know everything and asked me why the sky is blue once just because. But I feel like the more popular kids don't look at me like that. Sure they're nice and all but I don't know what it is. I know they probably don't but when I state something or make a nerdy joke, I feel incredibly awkward.

My diet. Fucking hell why can't people understand lunches aren't my thing. When I lived in Istanbul, I only ate bread for lunch because the lunches they served were either horrendous or greasy. But I love bread anyways so it was a good trade off. I miss that bread. But then I got acid reflux here and I only ate dry things that were my "safe foods" because I didn't want to feel sick. I also hate tomatoes and I feel so awkward and almost a nuisance when everyone is having pizza and I have to find something else. But now and then people almost tease me on what I eat. Well not really tease but a guy at my school (I'm sorry but he is the strangest child I have ever met. You may know him as the Toe Guy because he asked to see my toes...) and he would look at what I was eating and comment almost every time he would stop by at lunch. I mean he would comment on everything but I find food and the act of eating is very personal. I dunno. I can also be a really messy eater. Lots of crumbs and many of those awkward "half the food reaches the mouth" type things happen. I hate eating in front of people other than my family or close friends because I feel like I gross people out.

The rest is just general, smaller insecurities. But there you have it. A day in the mind of Brisbane. And I'm not going to blame these things on the Doctor situation because I'm tired of blaming her for stuff that may not even be her fault. It could just be school or the media or something like that. Society- that's a good one. And I don't know why I have these insecurities or obsessions. And I'm not sure how to fix them or even if I want to fix some of them. Looking perfect or damn close isn't a bad thing in my opinion. If they don't know the real me then why should I reveal myself? They're not trying to find out if they believe I'm perfect. Or am I just tired of feeling the reverse and seeing seemingly perfect people? Again, I am at a loss for answers. Carpe Diem.

"Wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair
So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot
You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
You can find out first hand what it's like to be me"

Love,

Brisbane

A Big Pile of Crap

That's how I feel right now. A big pile of crap. Today is the last day of March Break and it wasn't really how I had planned it. No, no one died or got pregnant (thankfully), but I did find out some stuff that kind of stressed me out and still does. Not to mention allergies ambushed me this week so I have to do all my homework tonight.

First off, before you read further, please note that I am putting this stuff out here for my own purposes. I created this blog to get things off my chest without putting it on someone, and having awkward conversations afterwards. I mean, I like having a blog. I go to it when something is troubling me. First thing I want to do when I have a mental breakdown like last night is to get on my computer and tell the whole world but no body at the same time. But the thing is, I created this so I don't get feedback really. I know I most likely told you about this but I am not asking for any of those awkward sympathy texts that I get now. I appreciate the thought but it's awkward for me. I feel violated almost. That one post about being insecure about my voice, I had three people text me telling me that they bet I had a great voice even though they've never heard me sing.. yep, awkward. You know who you are and you know I love you guys but please don't bring stuff up like that anymore.

Speaking of love, I got a letter about two weeks ago. J sent me this letter and the letter was over the span of two months of him just writing to me. It was great to read and I got to this part where he discussed our relationship. He recalled how I said I wasn't ready and that he liked the way were were and that made me smile alone in my room like how J has always succeeded in. But the thing is, at the final page of the letter, I began to cry. Not really of joy or of sorrow but more of confusion and fear. He asked me to be his girlfriend in the cutest way that he now has the title of Cutest Guy In The World According to Syd. I didn't really know what to do. I mean on the one hand, I could make him extremely happy by saying yes, and in turn would make me happy, but it wasn't what I wanted myself. I still stand by the fact that I am not ready for a long distance relationship like that. But I couldn't say no because it just felt like a stupid decision. To save you a bunch of emotional back and forth crap, I ended up saying no because it wasn't right to lead him on and say yes because it would make him happy. I owe him more than that. I owe him honesty. And, well, that's what he got. But yesterday I was talking to him and he got at the idea that he was sad because he is friends with a lot of people who are dating. Such an awkward conversation. I bet J is reading this which would be really awkward for him, but hang in there. It'll get better and I know you feel lonely right now but I couldn't say yes, and I don't think I ever can, not truthfully. I do love you but I can never be truly in love with you, at least not enough to be able to do that. A long distance relationship will torture me. The idea of having someone, and belonging to someone that you don't even get to see without a camera? I can't. And I'm sorry for that. But please try and feel better. You got over me one, even if for a while and I have faith that you will do it again and will be happy with someone you can actually give one of those incredible hugs to. Then you will be happier than what you ever thought you could be. Love is bitter sweet in that sense. Whenever you find someone, it's too good to be true and a flaw occurs.

Next off, J also told me yesterday that my friend in Asia (who shall be blog-named Teapot) is now a depressed alcoholic with smoking problems. I mean the depression honestly didn't shock me as much as the other stuff because she has always been kind of back and forth between depression even though she is the sweetest and cutest person ever. I have always been worried about her cutting again but the drinking and smoking on top of it doesn't help. And I wish there was some way to help her. I'm going to stay up late on Wednesday probably to skype her but let's be honest: what do I say? I mean I know how difficult I can be to cheer up sometimes but when people tell me to "cheer up" then that just annoys me even more because it's like "you think I'm trying to be upset?"and that just makes things even more complicated. So if I skype her and say "I'm here for you" or "you need to stop, this isn't right" then those words become irritating because (contrary to popular belief) most people have common sense and know right from wrong. But just because people know things are wrong doesn't mean they are going to stop. It's such a delicate situation that I don't really know what to do.

Speaking of not knowing what to do, I know that one of my friends here are at a loss of what to do about me. I feel so bad about the fact that I keep telling him the shitty parts of my life and he wants to help me but the thing is, I don't think anyone can fix how I feel but myself. And I'm not as bad as what some people think. I still have fun and smile, I just feel shitty about life sometimes which is what everyone does. It's just that I for some reason feel it a bit more often that most. I just need a vacation. A good vacation where I leave my phone at home and I do somewhere where I leave my troubles behind and do nothing for a good few days to clear my head. Kinda like camping. That would be nice. Anyways, he feels like this about me and I actually feel the same way about him. He thinks that everyone hates him and that his family is out to get him, almost. He mentioned in a blog that his mom said he was a mistake and the thing is, I'm glad he was. He helps me so much and it's almost like one of those movies where the main character has bad intentions in the beginning but loves the person in the end and then there is that whole "It started out that way but things have changed" speech. It's kind of like that in a way, in my opinion. He may have started out a mistake but if it was a bad mistake, then wouldn't the "mistake" have been fixed? Well it wasn't, and I know you're reading this right now, so please know that even if the world may seem against you, there are people that care about you. Not just me. Okay? Good.

This is a long post. Wow. Almost done.

I'm pretty much done my awkward rants now. The other stuff that's stressing me out is the musical which ambushed me and will not be able to get anything done for the next two weeks and stupid physics class, and just homework and stupid people in general. Stupid stuff. All of it. So go now. Get a life cause apparently you have none for reading this much bwahaha. Carpe Diem

Love,
Brisbane