Fuck Waiting for Answers

I'm going out to get them. Last night I was at my friend's house and this was the first time we've hung out in a while. It was really fun until like 8-8:30 when we began talking about some intense shit and we eventually got on the topic of Doctor. This wasn't the first time we had talked about Doctor together because both of us have been hurt by her in the past.

I told her that I wanted to finally stand up for myself like no one ever did for me and that I don't care if it's delayed- I want to go and get answers. I was told by a viking friend that I probably wont get any answers because Doctor preys on the weak and won't give up her charade but I think it's worth a shot. Even if I don't get answers, I want to stand up for myself. So at about 9 pm I told my friend that I just wanted to go then and there because I don't want this to just be another plan that isn't carried through. I have thought of so many things to say to Doctor in the past and none have been said. I'm tired of writing stupid letters telling her shit in a nice way. I'm tired of waiting for someone to stand up for me.

So my friend and I walked to her house which was about 15 minutes away and the entire time I was almost on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was shaking and I felt like I was going to puke. We got to her house and my friend decided to come to the door with me because I broke down when we got close to Doctor's house. We walked up to the door and noticed the lights were off but we decided to ring anyways. No answer. No one was fucking home. I rang it again just in case and walked away. We finally sat down on a curb not far away.

The thing is, nothing was going through my mind at that moment. I felt numb almost. I still don't know how I felt. I mean I guess I should be happy that I took the steps to go stand up for myself but it was all for nothing. I just sat there and stared into space for a while because I didn't feel anything. My friend said we can go try and see if she's home another time so we're probably going today but even if we don't, I'm still glad my friend was there and showed me the way anyways because she has always been able to empathize when it comes to Doctor. I'm just so angry at the world right now for how everything has turned out and how I'm still looking for answers.

I just want to know why. Why she did everything. Why it was a pregnancy that she decided to fake. Why be the leach she was. Why she didn't care. Why she apologized for her actions to everyone but the person who was sitting on her bed with scissors in her hand asking herself "Is it worth it". Why she didn't do anything after she knew suicide had crawled its way into my mind at one point or another. Why she is such a horrible person. I mean what makes a person do the things she did? Not just to me but to everyone. She has either ruined or come close to ruining so many lives that it's shocking.

So I'm going over at some point and I am going to ask her why. Even if I don't get the answers I'm looking for, I want to at least ask the questions and give myself a chance at getting a response. I just don't want to show her what I was like last night because if my viking friend was right, then I would have been preyed on because I probably looked weak. Hopefully because it's my second time going, I won't be shaking though. That would help.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 5 Days

What Is This Filth? Oh Wait It's An Exam...

The single digits have been reached! On my way to Istanbul in 9 days and counting. I can't wait. All I have to get through are exams. Fucking exams. Fuck. I hate them. I've got grade 12 physics tomorrow and chem on monday and I just want one day to sleep and do nothing.

On the bright side, my summer already has some great plans like how I'm skyping my friend in Malaysia on Thursday which is really good because she's been had it rough. I'm also going to have a dance party of 2 with one of my best friends, I'm hoping on going to the beach with another friend, and I'm going to go waterskiing with a friend of mine the day after exams are done. I'm so excited for summer to start. Now I just need to see if I can make it aha.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 9 Days!!

I'm tired of worrying about everything in the universe without someone bringing me back down to Earth.

What if I had said yes? Would that have changed things?
I hate having regrets and worrying about what will happen compared to what could have happened.

Why can't I just stop worrying about school?
I know I'm doing fine but I can never feel like I'm good enough.

What if one day she decides enough is enough?
I don't want to lose you because you were one of my best friends in Istanbul and I love you even if we don't talk very often.

Why was I so stupid?
I just want to know why I was lied to for the better part of a year.

What's going to happen when I see everyone again?
It's going to be fun but I don't want to have any regrets.

Am I going to be as good of a Co-Prez as everyone thinks I'll be?
Sometimes I feel like I've already let people down.

Is there something wrong with me?
Thoughts like those are always on my mind and I can never feel satisfied with who I am and what is going on.

I just want someone to tell me that I'm just being silly and actually convince me of it. I hate it when people lecture me about it, only making me think of it more. I just want someone to come along and just say a few words for at least a moment of peace. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 11 days

Summer To Do List

So..Close.. Oh my gosh I can't wait for school to end. I have 3 summatives to do still and I'm exhausted. This summer is going to be well needed. So to share my excitement with you, I decided to tell you some of the things I'm excited for for this summer and what I plan to do:

1- Get a damn job (Sounds fun, right?)
2- Have a superhero marathon
3- Stay in my PJs all day (which includes more movies and some reading)
4- Go to calipso (waterpark I've never been to)
5- Go to Istanbul (as you've probably known for a while)
6- Make candied bacon
7- Make a funnellator (I think that's how you spell it.. but my physics teacher taught us how to make a water balloon sling shot. Planning on bringing it to Istanbul)
8- Write a one act play (for one acts next year)
9- Pull an all-nighter with my sister (the one we've been planning for years....)
10- Driver's ed. (more fun!)
11- Visit the science and tech museum and museum of natural history (to see fun shit and dinosaur bones)
12- Go to the midnight premiere of the Dark Knight Rises (fuck yeah)
13- Watch the meteor shower on August 11th (the one I haven't been able to stay up for for 2 years)
14- Have a garage sale
15- Take a nap on a floaty in the pool
16- Watch a sunrise
17- Go camping
18- Roast mini marshmallows over a candle (or something random like that)
19- Make a summer tote out of a tank top (I have a bunch of ideas for this)
20- Not be attacked by acid reflux at all

So that's just a taste of what I plan on doing this summer. If you complete one of these with me then that means you're awesome. So there you go. Trying to make my summer as awesome and optimistic as  ever! Yeah high hopes this year- not dealing with teen pregnancies. That's the main goal. But I'm excited to make up for my lack of fun from last year. Only a few more days and I'll be free! Almost done!!

Love,
Brisbane

P.S: 16 Days <3

Tired of Being Me

I just feel tired of being who I am some days. Some days I just wish I was one of those people that didn't give a damn about the future and just partied and had fun. I know I can turn into one of those people but I kind of like who I am. The thing is, I'm just tired of it.

I hate how much I overanalyze everything. I'm too stubborn with that and so many other things. I don't like changing my emotions and I become so emotional because I fight myself to try and change how I feel. If someone likes me, I hate myself for not liking them back. If I like someone and they don't like me, then I hate myself for not being good enough. I can never be just content with things even if I've been hoping for them for so long. Hoping for things to be alright and for there to be no more fights, but then I lament not having the times before the fights that were so good and simple. I worry too much. I worry about what happened, what is happening and what will happen. I worry about how people view me. I worry about losing myself and how other people are feeling. I worry that there's something wrong with me. I get too emotional. Sometimes I don't feel emotional enough. I feel too different. I'm always the odd one out. I'm the one who doesn't eat pizza at parties for fuck sake. I feel too awkward. I wish I was able to be so casual and comfortable. I wish I could stop being held back by thoughts. Good or bad, I stick with them for too long. I love change but hate changing myself.

I understand that everyone has things that they would like to change about themselves or their environment but I'm just so tired of feeling like that. I want to escape past feelings and future worries. I want to escape being me and be content in being nothing.

Love,
Brisbane

P.S. 19 days.

21 Days

Only 21 days until I'm off to Istanbul and it can't come soon enough. I have been so stressed these past few weeks due to elections, and overall school. Fuck I'm excited for school to end. This year was too much for me and I need to get it out of the way. It feels like I need a change. So that's why I'm excited for Istanbul- it's a break to change my mood. I've just felt kind of isolated lately. I don't know why  because I've been having a great time with friends at school but I still feel like I'm missing something. I don't know if it's just some weird illusion or if it's because I miss living in Istanbul. Sometimes it feels like I'll never feel right again because even if I visit Istanbul, I'm never going to live there again and I don't know if it's that that I miss. People say that time heals. My question, is how much longer?

I just miss everything so much. I miss the atmosphere that surrounded me every moment of the day. I was so content and felt apart of something. I know I'm not alone here or anything but every time I see a couple walking down the halls or when I'm out I just get this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I miss feeling like that about someone and having that person there with me. My sister and her boyfriend really get me feeling like that, though. My sister tells me a bunch of things about her relationship and it's really cute but I just get so jealous. Not in a bad way, more like envious. One of my friends ask me every now and then if there's anyone here that I like or that I could get into a relationship with and I always respond with no but he keeps asking. He always wants to help because he's so sweet but I just don't want to rush or get into something without wanting it 100% cause that's not fair to me or the guy. But what I am sure of is how happy I'm going to be when I don't feel this way. I was sitting in the library today studying after school and I just kept thinking about this stuff and got so frustrated because it feels like I've waited a long time to have another relationship without success.

I do have a theory on why I don't look at anyone in a loving way very often, if any. I think it could be because J and I never really were around each other as just friends before I left. Ugh I keep going back to this stuff but that's how I feel. And then with him asking me out again a few months ago didn't really scream "closure" to me. I'm just so sick of love songs and those cliche love stories in the media. I'm just sick of seeing couples, reminding me that I'm not a part of one. It just kind of pisses me off and I know I'm not the only one. I'm just another lame-ass person complaining about petty problems. So I guess I'm just excited for the change in my mood when I visit everyone in Istanbul.

Fuck, even this reminds me of J. A few months ago he said something almost like this to me when we were in our fight. He talked about how so many people had their relationships and how he felt kind of lonely. Well, if you're reading this, then I guess it backs up my point of you not being the only one who gets like that. I miss you. I miss everyone else also. I miss the way I felt and who I was and my outlook on the world. Carpe Diem. Because that day will end.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 21 days. Aka 3 weeks today and I'm on the plane.