1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Week and 3 Days...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you told yourself you would do almost anything to get it? Well I have been faced with a challenge that I have been stressing about for months- visiting the place that I have been longing to go back to- Istanbul. I know that a lot of my friends there have moved but some are still there and the city itself is almost calling to me but to visit, I need the "cash-money" as my sister would say. My parents know that I have been really upset for a while because I miss it there so much but the price is what they look at (understandable, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck). The thing is- I feel so selfish for asking for this and for stressing about it and stressing them out about it for so long. I mean I am saving up and told them that I am going to hold a garage sale/bake sale in the spring and use the money to help pay for my tickets but that isn't going to pay for all of it.

Tonight, they did say that since my dad may have to go in July on business, that I may be able to tag along (the entire family would be too expensive with other stuff). It's just so aggravating because I can't get a definite answer after months of trying to convince them. And my sister wanted to go on a grad trip to the Dominican Republic and instead is going to be able to go visit her friend who is moving to Washington DC who used to live in Istanbul. Fair? For her, sure but even if one of her trips is down the tubes, she gets another one. It's just that I have been crying for about 5 days in a row because I miss it so much. I can hardly think about it without getting really emotional or teary eyed at the very least. I skyped with some friends in Istanbul when they had a party and I was so glad that we lost the connection for a few minutes at one point cause I felt the tears coming and the connection cut out long enough for me to put myself back together. But this morning I woke up and burst in to tears and when my mom came home she saw that I was upset and when she asked, I could hardly talk. Wasn't the first time I could barely talk when I was crying about this.

I just feel so selfish though- by putting my parents in such a difficult position. They have always strived to make sure my sister and I are happy and they know I have been upset for one year, a month and 10 days but they can't just spend thousands of dollars because the bank isn't going to compensate us for my frequent emotional breakdowns. I just feel so torn between fighting for this or waiting a year. It's a cliche decision between listening to the brain or to the metaphorical heart because a year is a long time, trust me. I know that if I don't get it this year, I can always just go the following year but does that mean that I should just give up? I don't know. Carpe Diem

Love,
Brisbane

Truth Is Only a Matter of Perspective

Over the last couple days between studying for exams (ew), my mind has been wondering to the whole Doctor situation. Before when I used to think about it, I would either get really mad and have a mental breakdown or just have a mental breakdown from the emotions it caused me. But lately when I think about it, I think about it in a really calm way and I look at it like it never happened almost. It sounds weird I know, but it's almost like I am almost detached from all of the emotions it used to cause me.

One question that occurred during one of my last guidance counselor meetings is "does it really matter?" and I concluded then and even now- it doesn't. No, it did not make anything easier but as simple as that question is, it made me think about how I'll probably never know what really went down during those six months- whether it was all a lie, part lie or if it was all true. But that conclusion is what got me thinking- I don't think I want to know what it happened. 

I mean if it was all a lie then well, it kind of sucks that I fell for it that long. I will be right in the end (or at least part right) but it would still kind of suck if my months of suffering was over one continuous and very stupid lie. I mean it would make sense because frankly, her stories didn't make sense and I guess I started to feel left out from all the lies (pshh yeah right). But that would most likely make me feel like an idiot and just plain shitty. 

If it was all the truth, I honestly don't know how I would react. When my friend and I were debating about how to get out of everything, we felt trapped because if we stayed in we were going to go insane but if we left her then we would be seen as the bad guys. This would kind of be the case if Doctor really was pregnant because even if she treated us like tissue and put her problems on us and then threw us away when she was fine (either way it was like we lived to serve her emotional needs). But I would feel like a complete jerk. If I got pregnant and my friends ditched me on my ass I'd be pissed. But on the other hand I would act much differently. But the fact that I wrote her an extremely emotional letter saying I would stand by her and help her through her pregnancy when I found out didn't help. Not one bit. 

A mix of the two? Part truth part lie like one of those cliche movies where something happens and they have to pretend to do something and they use the line "it wasn't like that". That would be just peachy. If she was pregnant and had a miscarriage but kept that part a secret. Wow that scenario would make no logical sense in real life because you'd have to claim miscarriage in the end anyways... But do you see what I mean? You could come up with endless possibilities and all end up leaving you feeling like an asshole. That is how I felt when I was still friends with her but more extreme.

I have made terms with the past events in my mind and am not as angry at her anymore but I'm just kind of frustrated that she is doing so well. I mean call me a jerk for thinking this but if we meant so much to her, then don't you think she would fight to keep us as friends or at least have a little emotion when we leave her? But no. No apologies, no tears, no longing looks in the hallways. She just kind of got on with her life. I mean I'm not really wanting those but hey- it would have been nice to actually feel like those months of mental breakdowns would have meant something. 

She talked to me a few times though. Not one of those "hey how's it going" type things in the halls but during those class conversations with everyone she would look and talk to me. I'd respond politely to avoid awkwardness but I felt so uncomfortable. I couldn't keep eye contact at all and just wanted to ask her "what the hell happened?" or just plain "why?" but I knew I wouldn't get an answer that was either the truth or one that I would believe even if it was.

So here I am. Still wondering and always will. Not just about what happened and why but whether I really want to know. Sure it wouldn't change much, but it would change how I look things. I guess truth is only a matter of perspective. How you look at something is the truth to you but to someone else what you say you saw could sound like a complete lie. Truth and lies always get mixed up and sometimes we can't tell which is which and our perspective affects our lives just as much as what we view as true and false. But I guess you have to live with it- day by day. Carpe Diem.

Love,

Brisbane

"You'll Find Someone Some Day"

Recently, I have heard a lot of talk about relationships. How people feel lonely, the drama involved, their adorable relationships and new experiences (if you catch my drift). I mean sure, relationships are cute to outsiders and even cuter while you're in them but in general, they tend to piss me off. Not directly where when someone says they had their first kiss and I de-friend them on facebook or something lame like that. Nor do I change the subject in hopes of not killing someone when I hear the stories, cause hey- they are cute and interesting.

How relationships piss me off is exactly how it was described in a cute little book my friend got- "mental suffering". Love plays with your mind alright. But due to New Years, relationships are the talk of the town. Three relationships I know of are the most fucking adorable relationships you will most likely ever hear of. Those are the ones that make me feel kind of alone. Not in the sense that I want to go make out with someone but in the sense that I'm excited and kind of nervous on the day that I have one of those relationships. Those relationships where you watch the stars and talk constantly, do good things for each other, make each other feel special, someone to feel your most comfortable with... But the thing is timing. When am I going to have this relationship? How will it play out, even? If you don't know me, then you may not get the sense that I am one of the most awkward people on the planet. It took me almost a year to work up the nerve and eliminate the awkwardness to kiss my boyfriend and even then it was only a peck on the lips. I don't know why but no matter how much I want to move forward in anything, I feel too awkward and can't. It's weird, I know.

But on the other hand, there are always those people you know that decide to go looking for relationships. I had a friend tell me last night that their New Years resolution was to have a relationship because they feel lonely. And I get it 100%. If that friend is reading this right now, I'm not hating or anything but I feel like those relationships that happen for the sake of having a relationship don't normally work out and leave you more broken than before sometimes. Sure you can feel alone but it's like when you feel like having a huge chocolate bar- sure its sweet while it lasts but it's not really going to benefit you if you have it all at once for the sake of it. Great analogy, I know. 

Lately I've been kind of confused myself over the idea of me being lonely. For a while now I've been happy to be alone because of the whole Doctor thing taking over my life and then becoming myself again but I can't deny now that it would be nice to have my own relationship like the adorable three relationships that I quickly mentioned before. The thing is, I'm having one of those cliche, chick flick times where I don't like anyone at my school, and I don't want to go and find one for the sake of it. But if I was with 12 year olds and they asked me that question we know all to well about if I had to chose someone it wouldn't be someone in this country- and here comes the dramatic movie part. Like I said in my last post- there are those friends that make you feel amazing and those are the people I want to have a relationship with, but the thing is, I don't have the chance to let it grow in to something more because hey- I may only see them once more in my life other than on skype. Now I'm not looking for pity or that I'm looking for attention or those classic lines such as "you'll find someone some day" because I know I will but that doesn't make things easier, just like leaving Istanbul- "you'll get over it some day". But when?

So I guess what we all do in life is struggle to either obsess, make or break our relationships. Whether we feel alone and wait for that special person, can't stop talking about our adorable-as-fuck relationship or how there's too much drama and how we want out. But in the end, they suck. At one point or another anyways. But I say to those who like someone and want a relationship with a specific person out of love- go for it. You only live once and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. You'll find someone else. Try and be with them while you have the chance because believe me, it isn't fun when you realize you missed your chance forever and didn't make the most of it. Carpe Diem.

Love,

Brisbane

Well, Here Goes Nothing...

I would start off with a simple greetings, but that seems a little cliche to me. Instead, I'm going to just get right in to things and start by giving you a picture of who I am and what my life is like.

On August 26th 2009, my life changed forever. I moved from my home in Canada that I've lived in my entire life to Istanbul, Turkey which to those who have ever been there, know it is completely different from Canadian cities. It is big, unorganized, polluted, busy and you have no idea what is going on half the time. But it is also beautiful, interesting, original and a place that you can't help but have fun in. There, I went to the British International School where I met people from all over the world. It took a while, but it was by far the place where I was happiest. 

On December 20th 2010, I moved back to the same house I was living in before and I was sad to go but I slowly got used to being back. First semester at my school went well- I still had my old friends and met some new ones but by the time summer rolled around, I wanted nothing more than to move back. 

I was enrolled in reach-ahead in July (not recommended by me to anyone who is thinking about it) and ended up getting acid reflux during my time in summer school (basically I feel sick a lot and can't eat certain foods without feeling sick). But I though "it's okay, my friend from Istanbul is visiting in August" which was true, so I kept my chin up and braved through summer school and what I soon found out was acid reflux. During my time between summer school and my friend's visit, my other friend who I will go by the name of Doctor (if you know her, you may or may not be able to see this clever name) told me that she was pregnant. Now to save you the trouble about reading about 6 months of torture, I'll just sum everything up. I didn't know what was the truth or not (i still don't know if the entire thing was real or not) but I stayed by her as much as I could but in the end our relationship wasn't working so I broke it off. She apparently had a miscarriage but I'm skeptical about everything I hear nowadays. 

But those 6 months threw me in to a place I never wanted to visit. I wanted to escape and now that I can say this to someone I don't even know but who I now trust very much, I thought about suicide. No, I didn't consider it- I decided I never would, but what with school, leaving istanbul, being sick all the time and then the added stress that I didn't go in to with Doctor, I wanted to escape and I knew that Istanbul was only a distant dream. Have you ever been in those situations or fights where you think to yourself "please let this end" or "why can't I be anywhere but here" well that's what I was thinking for a good part of 6 months. I hated going to sleep, waking up, going to school, and coming home. It was what seemed like an endless cycle. But then I talked to my guidance counselor, and the stress started to decrease. I moved lockers and broke off our friendship. 

One thing that still gets me is how Doctor didn't realize how much she hurt me, even when I told her how everything was affecting me. She goes on living her life not knowing that she will kill someone at the rate she is going because I am not the first person she made feel this way. 

I still don't like it here but I hope that I can survive till university. I really want to visit Istanbul and see my friends again even though a few moved away. Who I really have to thank is one of my friends in Istanbul who will go by the letter J for obvious reasons. I used to date him but he was my best friend before and is still my best friend now. We fought a bit before I left Istanbul but we have gotten so close in the past while. There's a possibility of J going to New York in April and I'm hoping to meet him there. I don't even know how to describe my feelings towards him anymore. I mean I love him but it's not like I'm really IN LOVE with him and stuff. In a way it's similar to the love for a pet (no, not that awkward he's like my dog type thing) but when you have a pet you end up loving them. A lot. You trust them with your secrets and look to them when you're upset and you can actually describe your relationship as love. But it's not like you want to get in bed with them, you know? J, if you're reading this right now, you know I love you more than a pet and that you probably deep down feel the same way about me. But it's true. 

I have had this feeling before with both J and I's best friend. Both are the best people to talk to no matter how you feel. They make you feel like the person you've always wanted to be really. They make you laugh uncontrollably when you're sad, they send your self esteem sky high, they help you through any of your problems and they just make you feel like you want to hang out with them the rest of your life. Those people also give the best hugs for future reference. But I miss them so much and I know that I can't hang out with them for the rest of my life and that I'm going to have to settle for skype and facebook pokes. I knew from the start- from August 26th 2009 that nothing was going to last forever (even though I didn't live by it most of the time) except, with hope, the friendships. But life goes on, and it changes. It makes us feel like crap and brings us to become aware of who we are and think of those thoughts you promised you'd never think about. But it also opens our eyes and shows us that even though life changes, it doesn't mean you have to lose things. I miss everyone in Istanbul and I wish there was some way I could state my feelings to everyone, how I miss them, my love for them and how I regret not keeping in mind the simple phrase that this blog was named after. 

Carpe Diem. Seize the Day. 

Love, Brisbane