The single, simple word that distinguishes one human being from the other. It is something we all possess and something we are all confined to. We cannot escape them, no matter how hard we try. We make these attempts to escape them in different ways- the same ways we deal with pain. These can be described through four doors in our mind. The last book I read brought this up. The first door is sleep, the second is forgetting, the third is madness and the fourth is death. But the only way to truly to escape the thoughts we possess is through the fourth and final door. The last resort.
This week I have had a lot on my mind. A lot of different thoughts and opinions. This is due to the amount and variety of news I have received this week. This week was strange; there was a lot of back and fourth with my emotions.
First off, I will begin with the news I received throughout the week. The first was pretty good news. I got the part of Hermia in A Midsummer Night's Dream for my school play. I was so excited about this, despite the fact that my social life will be depleting vastly until the play is over due to rehearsals. But still, it gives me something else to think about. It gives me someone else to be momentarily and have fun doing so. That night, my boyfriend called me and congratulated me and when we were talking we ended up on the topic of next year (I'm going away to university and he is going into his second year here). We didn't say much but what I got out of it was that he is very optimistic about our relationship continuing. That gave me an incredible amount of happiness that had me smiling like an idiot for the rest of the night.
But things took a turn the next day. I was upset a bit in the morning because I miss Istanbul and a few other things were on my mind which I will get to later. That was all pretty normal for me though- nothing too extreme. The thing that got me was a friend told me something that day that had me choking back tears until I got home and started sobbing. I think today is the first day since Tuesday that I haven't cried because of it. It feels like a dream every time I think back on that conversation. It was almost like I was in shock for a bit where I would just sit on my bed feeling numb with the only things I could feel was a headache and the sick feeling in my stomach. Id really like to talk about this with someone but I promised I wouldn't tell anyone what my friend said which I understand- it is not my story to tell and it is a personal matter. I just don't like being confined to my thoughts alone. Where no one else can plant theirs into my brain so I can work out which one to feed.
Other news I got was either good or not that bad- I found out I am able to go on a science trip to NYC with my friends which is really exciting and my trip to Istanbul will now be a family trip in the summer. Those were amazing things to hear. It gives me something to look forward to. But this weekend, my boyfriend was out of town for a tournament which I wasn't too upset about- it's just a weekend but we haven't been able to talk or see each other very much this week and it's a week that I'd really like to see him and try and hide my thoughts through the second door. I was going to see him tonight but his team made it into the finals and they left later so it will be too late for me to go out when he gets back. Also, the friend that gave me the bad news had to cancel on me twice this weekend as well as another friend. This may just sound like retarded complaints to you but when you've had a shit week, the only two things you want to include talking and distractions. Obviously since I'm writing this, I was unsuccessful due to my lack of company. It's just disappointing.
The other thing I will discuss are the other thoughts on my mind- not just about the news this week but the ones that I've had for a little while. I'm thinking about messaging J again and asking to forget about everything and get back to where we were as friends. I just miss him and I meant what I said before when I told him that I am willing to fight for our friendship. I'm not angry anymore. Sad? Yes, I am still sad and hurt. But I've been hurt before and I know I will be hurt by people in the future but it is how we move past that hurt that determines who we are. I'm also very stressed about grades. I feel like I need to get scholarships for my parents for university even though my tuition is already paid for through an RESP. But it's weird- I'm not working harder or applying for scholarships. I'm almost fighting them. I don't know why though. I know I should but I feel like I'm fighting because I feel discouraged and don't want to waste my time and get stressed out. But I'm stressing out even more about grades to try and get a 90% average. I just haven't done anything to change my habits. I want to but I'm resisting. It is a conflict of thoughts, I guess.
The thing with thoughts is that it is very hard to change them. I can't change how I feel about the different things I have experienced this week or my thoughts. Have you ever been in an argument with someone and you keep arguing anyways because you don't want to be considered wrong? It's kind of like that but you're arguing with yourself. I just get worried about what those thoughts do to us. I have had first hand experience in the physical effects but I know many people that have had their thoughts lead them to self harm and attempt in suicide. I'm just tired of thinking and developing thoughts and knowing other people are having worse thoughts than "how am I going to get a 90 average".
So the only thing we can do is to try and accept these thoughts and then move from there to either act on them if they are positive or figure out how to stop them if they lead to something negative.
So I guess those are my thoughts on thoughts.
Love,
Brisbane
