Well Needed

When you have a shit week and then find out you have gotten in on early acceptance to the University of Windsor. I really needed this. I can't even describe how happy I am that I have achieved even early acceptance.

Ahhh!! I thought this day would never come!

Love,

Brisbane

Attempting to get my chem summative to work..

I love figuring things out

I Need a Break

I haven't felt this feeling in a long time. The feeling of numbness periodically throughout my days. I can't really remember how it started this time but I have been having a rough few weeks and I feel like I have hit my breaking point. I don't really have a distinct reason why and I could just be very dramatic but this is what has been eating at me:

Stuff with J. It has been getting better. I have found a way to get a bit of closure but the question of why is still nagging at me. I know people have told me that they would be angry in my position and I kind of am but I feel more upset and guilty even though I'm not sure I did anything wrong. I have been told not to feel guilty for that reason, but I know I have hurt him. If not now, I have in the past and I am aware that I have changed him. I always try to affect people in a positive way- so if I leave them, I leave them in a better state if possible. But I know that it hasn't been the case with J, no matter how hard I have tried. I know he is more cynical about things now, especially on relationships and I feel bad about that. I feel guilty that in some twisted way in his mind, there was a reason to block me out. And I started feeling better about it on the weekend but then I broke my phone (I'll get to that) and I can't use the screen anymore, thus I cannot do anything with my phone. I can, however see that I have received text messages and one from whatsapp. I know I may just be getting my hopes up but I feel like there is a chance it is J. And the question whether it is him or not has been bothering me like crazy.

School and my future. I applied to university last night so that is all done and out of the way but I am still super stressed with school. I have been working hard to try and get good grades and I have been but I keep wanting to get better ones because I'm scared about making it in to university. Everyone has told me that I will almost definitely be accepted but I can't help but be scared about it. And now it isn't even getting accepted that's bothering me. I keep wondering if I am ready to go to university or not- if I should maybe take a year off. I just keep stressing out about school and I just feel like it will get worse in university. And am I ready to leave? I keep wanting to escape this place and go away for a while but I feel like there is a lot holding me back. I'm not worried about being mature enough but am I mentally able to handle university at this point? Another is leaving people behind. People say that you will keep in touch with the ones that matter and that is true in a sense but it isn't always. Trust me, when you move halfway around the world, you realize that keeping in touch with people you promise to stay in touch with doesn't always work out.

I will, however, be glad to get away from my sister. She has been stressing a lot lately over her night school course and had been taking it out on me for a while now. She is writing the exam in a little while so I guess it will get better but she has just been mean to me lately- especially when my parents are out. They were gone for the weekend and she and I got into an argument and we were screaming at each other. I went up into my room and threw the first thing in my hand without thinking- my cell phone. I know it is just a phone but I rely on it for a lot of things and a lot of people rely on the fact that I can get back to them. I just feel so guilty about breaking it though because it was unbelievably stupid and it did nothing to help me- it just caused more problems. I'm not able to talk to my boyfriend as often and I feel like I have begun to rely on him a lot lately to brighten my mood. We can still talk and skype and what not but getting his kind or funny texts throughout the day always make me smile. My parents said they will get me another one for Christmas as long as it doesn't happen again even though I told them I was sorry and that I will pay for a new one. It was nice of them not to be really angry about it but it's one of those "I'm disappointed in you" situations.

Another thing to add on to that is that I feel like I can't really talk to my parents about things. I know they told me a while ago that they have always respected my space and that they never wanted to pry but I have grown up not being able to talk to them about my problems and to get guidance from them. It feels unnatural now to even think about talking to them about these things. They know I have been really upset lately but they haven't really asked why. They asked quickly when they saw me crying and I just said that it feels like everything is piling up and it is overwhelming but they didn't ask for any elaboration. I guess I kind of want them to. I want to feel like they really care and want to help me feel better. And no, I'm not going to go up to them to talk- especially to my mom because I always get something like "I told you so", "you're being silly" or it leads to something that is all my fault. Don't get me wrong- my mom is really nice but I find she just isn't good at making me feel better about my problems. Last year with the Doctor stuff- the last time I had this numb feeling- she basically told me I was being dramatic and wasn't trying to help myself. Thanks mom- great talk.

I know I am not along- far from it. I know I can talk to my friends and my boyfriend and I do, but I just feel bad that I am putting these stupid problems on people. And that's how I feel when I tell them these problems- that its all so stupid. It does help a little- talking to them but I just want to talk to someone who isn't bias and won't worry about it afterwards. I can talk to the guidance counselor but I talked to her the week before about some stuff- I didn't get too in depth with it but I just don't feel like it anymore to be honest. I feel like I won't get anything out of it because these problems are so ridiculous.

I just want to make sure I don't burden people with my problems like I often find people doing to me. There is this one girl who does it frequently. It is a really one-sided friendship and that is the only reason she really talks to me- it's when she has a problem. I think she has only asked me how I'm doing a handful of times that I have known her (which is for about 2 years now?). And I can't just say "I can't deal with your problems anymore" because that would make me a bitch and I can't do that to her. But the thing is- I don't even really know what the problem is half the time. She talks to me about what she should do and refers to everything as "when it happened" or "it threw everything off balance" and I don't even know what "it" is, so I can't even give her honest advice. I'm just tired of dealing with the problems of random people and getting nothing in return. I'm not looking for anything but it would be nice to be able to talk to them about my problems and get advice in return.

I just keep feeling like I have this facade that I carry out day by day. That I can handle anything and am always so calm and composed. I try and give off the impression I am always collected and I do have a lot of patience but I am just so tired of keeping it up. It sounds weird but it takes a lot of energy to be nice to people. It honestly does. Because you always have to restrain how you really feel in some cases, you always have to do what's best for them and you always have to be whoever they need you to be. I stayed home today- I told my mom it was to work on summatives (which it was) but the other reason was because I didn't want to go to school and put on the facade again. I just don't have the will power or energy to do it. I need a break from it to return to who I am.

Normally, I forget a lot of my problems when I'm with my boyfriend. Our relationship has really grown and I always feel so happy and optimistic around him. I know I can talk to him about anything but I just feel stupid talking about what's been eating at me lately. He knows most of it but I didn't want to bring up one thing- the fact that I feel like our relationship is bitter sweet because I'm not sure where I will be a year from now. I did talk to him a bit about it a few weeks ago. I told him I didn't want to go in to it because we don't even know what will happen or if we will still be together. I really hope we will be though- I have a feeling we can because we talk about things long-term and we are really good together. I believe that if we do make it that long, that it is worth continuing because I don't plan on going far if I do make it in to university but I can't help but worry. Every time university comes up, he is one of the first things that pop into my mind. I mean I'm not going to stay in Ottawa just because of him- I know that it won't be the right thing and I know he won't let me stay only for him. I also know that we may not even be together then but I can't help but wonder what the end will be like for us. It sounds stupid, I know. And I am aware that it could be a long time from now- so there's no point in worrying about it, right? I'm not going to change anything I do now because of these thoughts and I feel guilty about having them but I just want to enjoy the present with him and worry about the end when it happens. It all just feels bitter sweet because I know there is a high probability of it ending.

I think that is pretty much it for now. I just really needed to get that out of my system. I know I will feel better soon, and I know the holidays are coming up in less than two weeks but I just really need that break now. I'm just so tired of everything.

Love,
Brisbane

Prisoner of the Mind

No more are you going to trap me in my mind and drive me insane for no reason. I am done with all of this, and if that means that I need to forget about the good times to lose the bad ones, then so be it. For two years I have been struggling to be friends with you and it is not even close to being worth it anymore. I hope hurting me was all for a good reason because congrats- you succeeded. I'll leave you alone if you do the same. I'm done.

Full of Shit

That's what you are right now. How much of a dick do you have to be to block me out with not even an explanation. I mean at least grow the balls to tell me why or if you don't want to talk to me anymore. Because frankly, if you are going to pull this shit on me, then I will be fine with it.

And why the fuck do I feel guilty about all of this? Sorry- why did I feel guilty. I don't anymore because you haven't given me a reason to feel guilty. I am tired of you manipulating me this way to make me feel bad for something I don't even know I did.

You said you loved me at one point and I thought I loved you too. Did all of that mean nothing? By you pulling this shit on me, I've started to rethink things. What made you do this? Was it really love on your part? Cause if it was, then you wouldn't be doing this. You don't hurt the ones you love like this. Even if you aren't in love with me anymore, I just can't wrap my head around the idea of hurting someone you once loved. And we are?..were? friends. So why the fuck are you being a little bitch? Grow the fuck up because I am tired of your irrational motives for everything. You always get like this and it always hurts. Remember when we fought back in April? I said "fine, then tell me what to do because apparently everything I do is wrong" and you responded with "I want you to be here". And yet, I felt guilty after that. But why? This relationship between us is terrible. We're friends, something happens, we fight, we don't talk and then the cycle begins again. I'm tired of this unstable friendship and it's taking its tole. I really thought our friendship meant more. You are just a coward though. At least have the decency to say "I don't want to talk anymore". I mean an explanation is all I need. We used to talk about closure for all the shit that happened. Well where the fuck is it now? You are being a horrible person right now and I'm tired of being manipulated to feel shitty about nothing. I'm tired of crying and putting this on the people I am close with. I'm tired of you acting like such a fucking retard. This is all so stupid. If you were here I would be on my knees begging for an explanation because the last thing I have ever wanted to do is hurt you. Apparently that doesn't go both ways. This is fucking stupid. You're so full of shit. I know I may hurt you if you read this but it's true. You need to know how much you are hurting me. You need to know how pissed I am and what I think of you doing this. Don't just fucking block me out without anything. I don't care if you don't want to talk but let me know so I don't do the same thing and lose people who are actually good to me.

Not Worth It.

It just isn't. I thought that the years we have been friends or in a relationship meant more than ignoring me for an unknown reason. I have been trying to get a response from you for so long and I know you have been receiving my messages because technology is useful and it actually tells you if the message has been seen or not. I'm not fucking stupid. I know you're giving me this lame- ass silent treatment. I just feel so in the dark because I have no idea what's going on. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did and I just can't figure it out. At first I thought it was because I have finally moved on for good, meaning we can just stay friends and forget the drama but then I realized that is a shitty reason to get all pissed off about because if you really cared about me then you wouldn't get mad that I'm finally happy. But the thing is- I'm happy in a bittersweet way. I am extremely happy with him but I wish I could still talk to you. I have actually cried about this with him and Gaybear because I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Why do I feel so guilty? I don't even know if I did something wrong. It feels like we always end up here though- not talking for a long time and it's always because one or both of us are mad. And it always hurts me. So I don't even know if it is worth the effort trying to get you to talk to me anymore. I don't mean the friendship isn't worth it. I just mean hurting myself and only giving you the power to make it better. It isn't worth wearing a friendship bracelet if the person who gave it to you isn't being your friend. A friend is someone you can talk to about anything and vice versa- especially if there is something someone has done to upset the other. How you always manage to make me feel so hurt, I will never know. I hope I didn't hurt you. I just really miss you and I miss talking to you. But it just isn't worth hurting myself over this. It's like how last year it wasn't worth figuring out if that dumb pregnancy was a lie because my thoughts wouldn't get me anywhere. Well this isn't getting me anywhere apparently. Let me know if you still want me to wear that friendship bracelet and let me know if you want to still be friends because I can't figure it out on my own.

Love,
Brisbane

Mentally Exhausted

I can't deal with everyone's problems. I have my own life to deal with. I understand that you need someone to talk to and I do want to help you but sometimes I just can't. There is too much going on right now for me to wear myself thin with the problems of many others. School is exhausting enough. Thinking about my future is exhausting enough. My own problems are exhausting enough. I need more 'me' time. Time to relax and not worry about anything. Time to prevent even more mental breakdowns. There isn't enough time in the world right now. I can't deal with everything anymore- I need a break from it all.

Love,
Brisbane

Frustration

Okay, now I'm really starting to feel like a senior.

In math class on my first day of school this year, my teacher said that we will become extremely frustrated this year. That we will yell and scream and cry for no apparent reason because we will become so frustrated with school. Well, she was right. I just feel like everything is pissing me off and annoying me. Thinking about University gets me stressed about grades and my future which stresses me out about classes. There are too many decisions this year. Too many decisions that will affect you in so many ways for a long time. And it's not just trying to get the grades to make it in to University but my mom is not happy about me wanting to go away. I mean she understands but some of her comments make me feel really bad. I'm also a little worried about leaving everyone else though if I do end up leaving- what about the people I have been best friends with for years? Will we keep in touch and remain friends? I'm also a little worried talking to my boyfriend about it. We haven't discussed it yet but I'm waiting to see what happens before we talk about anything. I don't want to fuck anything up like I did when I left while dating J. And then there's student council. I think I wrote about how I felt like I was being brushed aside and not included as much as I feel like I should be. Well I actually had a nightmare about it last week. The problem isn't going away and I'm planning on talking to my friend about it when I can.

I dunno I may just be in a mood because I've been sick for the past few days but I'm just so frustrated with everything. I want a vacation- go somewhere and leave my worries behind for longer than a few hours at a time. Shmleh. I guess I just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

Another Station, Another Mile

When you reflect on your day before you lay your head down to sleep, what do you think about? How do you feel? How about when you reflect on the past year? Twelve months is an extremely long time and a lot can happen. Normally for me, when I look back on a year, I think of it all as a blur but recently, I have been thinking about the past year a lot. I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that I found a journal I started around this time last year. Well it was 12 months ago this week that I wrote those entries and it is astounding how I have changed.

When I wrote those entries, I talked about how all I wanted was to be free of acid reflux and of drama. After reading those entries, I thought about what happened next. All that happened seemed to be through bad luck. I felt lonely and blamed it on closing myself off after Doctor, I blamed my acid reflux on summer school and other stress, I was angry my schedule for school wasn't going to work out and had to take a grade 12 course rather than the Anthropology class I wanted to take, I had self-confidence issues and I just wanted to leave Ottawa. Sure, my life isn't perfect now but all of that negativity and bad luck ended up turning in to something incredible. I feel extremely happy and love the friends I have who have helped me through so much as well as an incredible boyfriend- all of which can make me smile every day; I am thankful every day that I don't feel sick and that I never had it worse, taking grade 12 physics was stressful but I at least don't have it this year and that is actually how I met my boyfriend,  I am happy with how I look and feel incredible that the school elected me as one of the co-presidents, and I have never been happier to live here and to see the people I do. All of this just makes me feel really optimistic about the challenges that I now face and that I will face in the future.

University applications and thinking about my future and grades have been stressing me out lately but thinking about it now, I feel a lot better about it. Right now, I keep stressing about grades to get into the university I want in the end, what courses to apply for and where to apply to. But the thing is- I'll be over at some point and either way, I'll learn to deal with what I face next. It's just another milestone in my life that is giving me a chance to grow. It may seem negative now but in the end, it may lead to something incredible like some of my other past experiences. I have learned that if you dwell on your current negative experiences, you may not realize how good it might get or how good it is now. A year ago I would cry myself to sleep. Now I fall asleep with a smile. Carpe Diem. And no matter what, it will get better. No matter how bad it seems, I promise you that one day it will get better and when it does, you will get that warm feeling and a small smile on your face that I get now. Now is just one part of your life. Are you ready to face the rest of it? I sure am. Bring on the applications!

Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine,
The time we kill keeps us alive.

Love,
Brisbane

"Dare to Imagine the Unimaginable"

So this morning, Student Council got a presentation from a group called Day of Information for a Lifetime of Action. The presentation was about getting youth to be inspired to take initiative and address problems that they feel should be addressed (for example: mental health, poverty locally and globally, hunger and so much more) and I got really inspired. There is a conference in a few weeks and I'd really like to go so I'll keep you guys updated on that but the presentation really made me think and want to do something. We were asked to say what we liked about the world, what we disliked and what we would want to change, as well as what we were most passionate about changing. I heard many great answers and all of which I agree with- mental health being a big one. 

The election speech I gave a few months ago included an analogy of everyone trying to find their 'bow'. Basically, I associate bows with acceptance due to how bows always remind me of Istanbul and how I was accepted so easily there and how I found my place in the world from that experience. Well I meant what I said when I told the student body that I wanted to help people find their bows. I want people to feel good about themselves and I know I'm not going to be able to do that for everyone but I want to try. Even if I can only succeed in helping one person. I have heard countless times people saying how they think they are fat, stupid, ugly and every other negative adjective under the sun. Not one of them have been right in my opinion. And those comments that they use on themselves, or that others may have bullied them with lead to  mental health issues. If the world would be a little more accepting, everyone would be better off. I know so many people who just need someone to help see that they're wrong sometimes. And not the bad wrong- everyone thinks that being wrong is one of the worst things- people are too afraid of being wrong; but I want them to feel better knowing they're wrong. I want to find a way to help people see that. 

I really want to start brainstorming already to try and figure out ways to help people. I want to help people. I don't really have a bucket list. But one thing that is on my mental one is to save someone's life. One of my friends said that I helped save hers and I almost broke down in Starbucks from happiness that I helped her get through tough times and that I still have her now. I'm planning on donating blood this year through my school and now I want to start something to help others who sometimes just need someone to bring them back down to Earth. People have done that on countless occasions for me and I am extremely appreciative of it. Now I want to do something with those feelings. 

Love,

Brisbane. 

Out of the Cold

Well, it's Fall. Another season has come and gone, yet I have changed so much in the past few months. I am so happy now. My room is no longer a reminder of how alone I felt a year ago, but it is back to being a place where I can dance to music and go crazy. I've thought about it now and again but I'm listening to happier music now, even. I mean it wasn't like I was really upset during the spring but I never really felt like I was truly over what had happened, where as now I do. The past few months have served as closure for a few different things. Seeing J and everyone again was fantastic! It made me come to terms with leaving the first time because I know that no matter what happens, we all love each other and can go back to being so comfortable with each other even after a year of not being there. The day before I left to visit everyone in Istanbul, I talked to Doctor and have a new outlook on everything. I saw her in the halls today and didn't really feel extreme anger or sadness, but just some uneasiness which is a lot better than before.

I was also talking to my friend on skype not long ago. I told my viking friend that I'm happier about living in Ottawa now. I still miss Istanbul like crazy and can have mini breakdowns but they're not as bad either because I know I can miss it but that doesn't mean I can't be happy here. It's a good mix. I've been in a relationship for a month an a bit and I couldn't be happier. He just makes me love who I am because I get to be with him.

I'm just so content with where I am.

Love,
Brisbane.

*Insert Creative Name Here*

Hey. So I'm pretty well done my first week of school and it's been all over the place. I have great teachers this year and I love my spare. The work load is going to get bad but that's why I have my spare. I'm pretty content with this year so far. I'm really starting to get excited about being a senior. The only thing I'm kind of uneasy about is being Co-Prez. I still feel like I'm stepping on toes and need to prove myself. Last night, my friend who is also Co-Prez ("Puj") mentioned that from now on she will discuss all SC matters with me and hopes that I don't feel like she's taking over. But the thing is, she was kind of right about that. I feel like since Puj and the Vice-Prez have been together on Student Council together since grade 9 and they have been in Link Crew together they thought it was just going to be them running SC this year. I feel like since I came in to the picture, I'm almost stepping on toes and they're brushing me aside. I feel like Puj thinks she doesn't really need to discuss things with me because she and the Vice-Prez are kind of the experts, in a way.

So to kind of prove myself, I was prepared this morning for the first meeting which all went pretty well.  And tonight, I decided to go to the Parent Council meeting to see what's up and to take initiative. But awkwardly enough, it wasn't tonight. It's next week. It was fun. My spirits were crushed. I wasn't the only one who mixed it up- there was another lady there. But it just didn't help to improve my mood about Council.

On the bright side though, Ken and I are doing great. He's going to Ottawa U and isn't in residence so it's great that we can see each other fairly often because we live really close to each other. We hung out on the weekend and he is incredibly sweet and really funny. Some of the stuff he says or does just stays with me. I mean we're really random together but that's what makes it interesting I guess. We skyped the other night because I was frustrated about thinking about Uni and I made a weird face at one point. He joked about coming to my house if I didn't stop and a few minutes later, we're on the phone while he's outside my house at 11 pm and I'm in my spare room talking to him because my parents were in bed and wouldn't be able to sneak out without making too much noise. And he just says things in this distinct voice when he's being sincere and it makes me so happy that we're together.

I mean last night, I went to grab a notebook to use for Student Council and I found two entries of a journal I had started in October. I talked about Doctor and how I just wanted things to get better soon. I remembered writing it. It was kind of a weird experience because those feelings are still fresh in my mind. I remembered the only thing I hoped for at the time was for all of the Doctor drama to go away and to be cured of acid reflux. That was all I dreamed of. And I knew it would get better but I didn't know when or how good it would get. But I wasn't upset reading those entries because I knew the ending. I wanted to slap my past self and tell her that it does get better. It was worth the wait. Because it gets a lot better. With an incredible boyfriend, amazing friends and a happy outlook on life. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

PS: Today is suicide awareness day and my heart goes out to everyone who have ever thought about suicide, to those who have attempted and to those who have succeeded. Shen, if you're reading this, I'm glad you're still alive. I love you and you are in my heart every day.

Senior Year Rant

Holy shit. Shitty shit shit fucking shit.

So basically I'm freaking out and it hasn't even been a week since my senior year began. I mean it isn't like I'm unhappy. Not at all- this is the happiest I've been in years. And it isn't like I'm really stressed. Not the same kind of stress I'm used to at least. But I'm freaking out.

So first off, do you know that weird feeling when you start your first day of school because it's change and change can make people anxious? Well I'm one of those people, especially with big change. My first day of school, I had a mini panic attack before I left because it felt like The Beginning Of The End.   It doesn't feel right that I'm graduating this year. There's so much pressure to get good grades this year (not like I wasn't putting enough pressure on my grades already), especially for university. I'll get on to universities later but on top of trying to get good grades, I'm Co-Prez. Yes, I am extremely happy with this but I still feel a bit guilty for taking it away from the girl who got Vice Prez. And because she was so dedicated to Student Council, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone that I can be just as good on Student Council and be an awesome Co-Prez like what I'm expected to be. But it's hard sometimes because I feel like it's just my friend (other Co-Prez) and the Vice Prez who are in "cahoots" with each other. I understand that they're doing a bit more right now because they've been on Student Council at this school before and I haven't here. So it's understandable. I just keep feeling the need to prove myself to them, the student body, the teacher and especially to myself. That's a lot of pressure.

And university applications are coming up. University presentations are beginning in like a week and a half so I need to start thinking about where I'm going to go and what I want to do. I have a few in mind but I don't know specifically the journey I need to take to get to where I want to go or what it entails. I know I want to be a Forensic Chemist and I know the basis of the job but I have no idea if there is any specific training I need. And on top of that, I feel like I don't know anything about university. I mean I only vaguely know what an undergrad is! I feel kind of stupid because of it. People ask me what I want to do and what I need to get there and I always feel like an idiot because it feels like I don't know shit. I mean I don't even know if I'm ready for university. I know I still have a while to go but if I don't feel all "let's do this" then who says I want to go to a university far away? I know I want to get out of Ottawa but things can change. People put so much pressure on decisions this year that sometimes it feels like this is my only shot at being happy and successful. I'm intimidated by everything about university. Yes, I want to go out and start my life but I feel too young. I want someone to give me all the information I need and say "go, figure your shit out" because that would be helpful as fuck. I'm debating about going to see the guidance counselor about it but it's not like she knows exactly what I need to do and what universities have the program I want or need.

All my life, I have planned everything out. From what to wear, to what my weekend looks like, to where I want to go with my life. But this is the first time it feels like there are too many variables to figure out a plan. I need to get all of my information and sort through it. I need to calm down and stop trying to be perfect and trying to meet what I believe everyone's expectations of me are. I'm so frustrated.

Carpe Diem. "Seize the day"; that day won't be there forever. It will change into a new day tomorrow. Be ready for it.

Love,
Brisbane

Looking Up.

How did I get so lucky? This is why suicide didn't tempt me when I was dealing with Doctor. Because I knew things would start looking up after it ended. Well, things are looking up. I can't remember the last time I was this happy for so long. I have been so happy this summer and I have so many people to thank for that. I just can't believe how happy I am. I have realized how different one year can be from the next. I like this year. I like it a lot. Carpe Diem.

Love,

Brisbane

Makes Me Melt

So I realized that my blog has a lot of posts about me being sad or frustrated. Well finally I'll give you something different.

This summer has been absolutely fantastic so far. I can't even put it in to words how happy I am and how I feel about this summer. I mean it started out great- I tried waterskiing for the first time, then I went to Istanbul for about a week and a half, then I just hung out with friends non-stop while I was coming down from the high after being in Istanbul, then I saw The Dark Knight Rises, hung out a bunch of other times with people (yes, I have a social life for once) and I have even gone on two dates.

Now I was a little hesitant about posting about my dates online because that's just how I am. I sometimes hate it when people go on and on about their romantic life but then I decided fuck it- you want to read it? Then keep going cause these dates are mindblowingly (yes that's a word) amazing... Well in my opinion anyways. And the nickname I'm going to give the guy will be Ken because those are the first three letters of his last name... and it works out as a nickname.

So Ken and I have become really good friends and whenever we hang out, we just do whatever- once we just walked for hours around my town and talked about whatever and it was so much fun. So that night we were in a field and I told him about the Perseids Meteor Shower I have been dying to see for years but have missed it every year since I found out about it and wanted to see my first shooting star. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was our first date. How he makes me melt inside baffles me but that night was amazing. We were going to go see a movie that was playing at a park but it didn't end up playing so we took a picnic blanket and sat near a pond for a bit (of course with some cheesy stuff on the way like offering a hand when crossing a creek). Then we went back to his house and watched a comedy about Star Wars. Afterwards, we went back to the park and set up the picnic blanket and watched the meteor shower. It was amazing. If you have ever seen a shooting star, then you know how cool it is but this was my first night with them so I freaked out every time we saw one. And of course he talked about wishing on a shooting star and then after seeing one, kissing me, saying his wish came true. Made me melt. But it was such a good night.

So a while ago, I had a post that mentioned that I would love to go on a date to a museum. Well, that was where we were today. We decided to go to the war museum downtown because neither of us had ever been. It was really cool actually. Then we walked and got a late lunch, followed by hanging out in a book store (cause we're cool) and then watching The Jungle Book when we got back. Now I know this date may sound kind of lame or nerdy to you but I laughed so hard today. It's always so much fun hanging out with him and he will sometimes say things in this distinct voice he uses whenever he says something really sweet and then get this look in his eyes- ah! Again, it makes me melt.

So if you've made it this far, then I hope you're not annoyed with my girly rant here but I am just in a daze because of how happy I am and I didn't want to annoy people face to face while doing this because I know how that can affect people. So that's pretty much all I have to say for today. I hope your summer has been incredible so far. Make it count. That's what I've learned this year, especially after last summer's agony. If life is too short to be sad, then summer is a blink of an eye. Do what makes you happy, then. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

Renewal

Sorry I haven't posted anything in about a month but I've been busy as hell. I don't even know where to start. I have been so happy lately. My time in Istanbul actually changed me a lot. It was the best trip of my life and I was so happy the entire time and even when I got back I felt incredibly optimistic. Sure it wasn't perfect- there will always be bumps in the road but it was a hell of a lot smoother than what it's been in the past year. I feel so refreshed. I've been hanging out with people almost non-stop and to be honest having a social life isn't as relaxing and exciting as I thought it would be but it's nice to be able to spend time with people every day. It'll stop for a week though because I'm volunteering and then doing driver's ed. I'm fine with that though. I feel so much better. I was talking with someone one night and we ended up on the conversation of crying. I didn't say it out loud but I smiled to myself because I couldn't remember the last time I cried in that instant. It was nice. That was a great night. 

A few days later, I did remember. It was about Doctor. I went to see her the day before I went to Istanbul to try one last time to get some footing on what had happened this past year. She still insisted she was pregnant and I had to keep grilling her almost for some sort of proof. She said she burned everything with someone who she now has a restraining order against so I can't talk to him or anything. So finally I told her to text me the phone number of her nurse practitioner. I could hardly breathe when I went to see my best friend afterwards because I was crying so much. But after not having to think about it for the time I was in Istanbul, I came to terms with everything. I realized since she still hasn't texted me the number, she either was never pregnant or doesn't care enough to prove she was. And I'm okay with that for once. That's what I mean- I've changed from going to Istanbul. It sounds so cliche but that was the escape I was dying for for months. 

So now I'm just trying to keep it up. I've been hanging out with a friend a lot lately and he always makes me feel better because we laugh about the most random things and he likes who I am. I mean sometimes I struggle with who I am and a few nights ago I was kind of bummed out by the fact that I'm a nerd and people give me weird looks sometimes and I always feel so awkward talking to people about what I like. But I was lying on my roof looking at the stars and thinking about the universe like I do every once in a while. I didn't complain about it but when he asked what I think about on my roof, I told him the truth- that I think about the universe and how I sometimes hate that I'm such a nerd. I didn't want to put it on him or anything so I stated it so he might take it as a joke but he made me feel better about everything. I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. I guess it's just a random memory that I wanted to talk about. It just reminds me that I don't have to feel sad and stay sad like I was with Doctor. It makes me feel better about who I am and thank Doctor in a way because I am who I am because of what she put me through. Even if it didn't alter my love for science directly, she still affected me. And I'm okay with that. I'm finally renewed. Carpe Diem.

Love,

Brisbane.

Fuck Waiting for Answers

I'm going out to get them. Last night I was at my friend's house and this was the first time we've hung out in a while. It was really fun until like 8-8:30 when we began talking about some intense shit and we eventually got on the topic of Doctor. This wasn't the first time we had talked about Doctor together because both of us have been hurt by her in the past.

I told her that I wanted to finally stand up for myself like no one ever did for me and that I don't care if it's delayed- I want to go and get answers. I was told by a viking friend that I probably wont get any answers because Doctor preys on the weak and won't give up her charade but I think it's worth a shot. Even if I don't get answers, I want to stand up for myself. So at about 9 pm I told my friend that I just wanted to go then and there because I don't want this to just be another plan that isn't carried through. I have thought of so many things to say to Doctor in the past and none have been said. I'm tired of writing stupid letters telling her shit in a nice way. I'm tired of waiting for someone to stand up for me.

So my friend and I walked to her house which was about 15 minutes away and the entire time I was almost on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was shaking and I felt like I was going to puke. We got to her house and my friend decided to come to the door with me because I broke down when we got close to Doctor's house. We walked up to the door and noticed the lights were off but we decided to ring anyways. No answer. No one was fucking home. I rang it again just in case and walked away. We finally sat down on a curb not far away.

The thing is, nothing was going through my mind at that moment. I felt numb almost. I still don't know how I felt. I mean I guess I should be happy that I took the steps to go stand up for myself but it was all for nothing. I just sat there and stared into space for a while because I didn't feel anything. My friend said we can go try and see if she's home another time so we're probably going today but even if we don't, I'm still glad my friend was there and showed me the way anyways because she has always been able to empathize when it comes to Doctor. I'm just so angry at the world right now for how everything has turned out and how I'm still looking for answers.

I just want to know why. Why she did everything. Why it was a pregnancy that she decided to fake. Why be the leach she was. Why she didn't care. Why she apologized for her actions to everyone but the person who was sitting on her bed with scissors in her hand asking herself "Is it worth it". Why she didn't do anything after she knew suicide had crawled its way into my mind at one point or another. Why she is such a horrible person. I mean what makes a person do the things she did? Not just to me but to everyone. She has either ruined or come close to ruining so many lives that it's shocking.

So I'm going over at some point and I am going to ask her why. Even if I don't get the answers I'm looking for, I want to at least ask the questions and give myself a chance at getting a response. I just don't want to show her what I was like last night because if my viking friend was right, then I would have been preyed on because I probably looked weak. Hopefully because it's my second time going, I won't be shaking though. That would help.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 5 Days

What Is This Filth? Oh Wait It's An Exam...

The single digits have been reached! On my way to Istanbul in 9 days and counting. I can't wait. All I have to get through are exams. Fucking exams. Fuck. I hate them. I've got grade 12 physics tomorrow and chem on monday and I just want one day to sleep and do nothing.

On the bright side, my summer already has some great plans like how I'm skyping my friend in Malaysia on Thursday which is really good because she's been had it rough. I'm also going to have a dance party of 2 with one of my best friends, I'm hoping on going to the beach with another friend, and I'm going to go waterskiing with a friend of mine the day after exams are done. I'm so excited for summer to start. Now I just need to see if I can make it aha.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 9 Days!!

I'm tired of worrying about everything in the universe without someone bringing me back down to Earth.

What if I had said yes? Would that have changed things?
I hate having regrets and worrying about what will happen compared to what could have happened.

Why can't I just stop worrying about school?
I know I'm doing fine but I can never feel like I'm good enough.

What if one day she decides enough is enough?
I don't want to lose you because you were one of my best friends in Istanbul and I love you even if we don't talk very often.

Why was I so stupid?
I just want to know why I was lied to for the better part of a year.

What's going to happen when I see everyone again?
It's going to be fun but I don't want to have any regrets.

Am I going to be as good of a Co-Prez as everyone thinks I'll be?
Sometimes I feel like I've already let people down.

Is there something wrong with me?
Thoughts like those are always on my mind and I can never feel satisfied with who I am and what is going on.

I just want someone to tell me that I'm just being silly and actually convince me of it. I hate it when people lecture me about it, only making me think of it more. I just want someone to come along and just say a few words for at least a moment of peace. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 11 days

Summer To Do List

So..Close.. Oh my gosh I can't wait for school to end. I have 3 summatives to do still and I'm exhausted. This summer is going to be well needed. So to share my excitement with you, I decided to tell you some of the things I'm excited for for this summer and what I plan to do:

1- Get a damn job (Sounds fun, right?)
2- Have a superhero marathon
3- Stay in my PJs all day (which includes more movies and some reading)
4- Go to calipso (waterpark I've never been to)
5- Go to Istanbul (as you've probably known for a while)
6- Make candied bacon
7- Make a funnellator (I think that's how you spell it.. but my physics teacher taught us how to make a water balloon sling shot. Planning on bringing it to Istanbul)
8- Write a one act play (for one acts next year)
9- Pull an all-nighter with my sister (the one we've been planning for years....)
10- Driver's ed. (more fun!)
11- Visit the science and tech museum and museum of natural history (to see fun shit and dinosaur bones)
12- Go to the midnight premiere of the Dark Knight Rises (fuck yeah)
13- Watch the meteor shower on August 11th (the one I haven't been able to stay up for for 2 years)
14- Have a garage sale
15- Take a nap on a floaty in the pool
16- Watch a sunrise
17- Go camping
18- Roast mini marshmallows over a candle (or something random like that)
19- Make a summer tote out of a tank top (I have a bunch of ideas for this)
20- Not be attacked by acid reflux at all

So that's just a taste of what I plan on doing this summer. If you complete one of these with me then that means you're awesome. So there you go. Trying to make my summer as awesome and optimistic as  ever! Yeah high hopes this year- not dealing with teen pregnancies. That's the main goal. But I'm excited to make up for my lack of fun from last year. Only a few more days and I'll be free! Almost done!!

Love,
Brisbane

P.S: 16 Days <3

Tired of Being Me

I just feel tired of being who I am some days. Some days I just wish I was one of those people that didn't give a damn about the future and just partied and had fun. I know I can turn into one of those people but I kind of like who I am. The thing is, I'm just tired of it.

I hate how much I overanalyze everything. I'm too stubborn with that and so many other things. I don't like changing my emotions and I become so emotional because I fight myself to try and change how I feel. If someone likes me, I hate myself for not liking them back. If I like someone and they don't like me, then I hate myself for not being good enough. I can never be just content with things even if I've been hoping for them for so long. Hoping for things to be alright and for there to be no more fights, but then I lament not having the times before the fights that were so good and simple. I worry too much. I worry about what happened, what is happening and what will happen. I worry about how people view me. I worry about losing myself and how other people are feeling. I worry that there's something wrong with me. I get too emotional. Sometimes I don't feel emotional enough. I feel too different. I'm always the odd one out. I'm the one who doesn't eat pizza at parties for fuck sake. I feel too awkward. I wish I was able to be so casual and comfortable. I wish I could stop being held back by thoughts. Good or bad, I stick with them for too long. I love change but hate changing myself.

I understand that everyone has things that they would like to change about themselves or their environment but I'm just so tired of feeling like that. I want to escape past feelings and future worries. I want to escape being me and be content in being nothing.

Love,
Brisbane

P.S. 19 days.

21 Days

Only 21 days until I'm off to Istanbul and it can't come soon enough. I have been so stressed these past few weeks due to elections, and overall school. Fuck I'm excited for school to end. This year was too much for me and I need to get it out of the way. It feels like I need a change. So that's why I'm excited for Istanbul- it's a break to change my mood. I've just felt kind of isolated lately. I don't know why  because I've been having a great time with friends at school but I still feel like I'm missing something. I don't know if it's just some weird illusion or if it's because I miss living in Istanbul. Sometimes it feels like I'll never feel right again because even if I visit Istanbul, I'm never going to live there again and I don't know if it's that that I miss. People say that time heals. My question, is how much longer?

I just miss everything so much. I miss the atmosphere that surrounded me every moment of the day. I was so content and felt apart of something. I know I'm not alone here or anything but every time I see a couple walking down the halls or when I'm out I just get this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I miss feeling like that about someone and having that person there with me. My sister and her boyfriend really get me feeling like that, though. My sister tells me a bunch of things about her relationship and it's really cute but I just get so jealous. Not in a bad way, more like envious. One of my friends ask me every now and then if there's anyone here that I like or that I could get into a relationship with and I always respond with no but he keeps asking. He always wants to help because he's so sweet but I just don't want to rush or get into something without wanting it 100% cause that's not fair to me or the guy. But what I am sure of is how happy I'm going to be when I don't feel this way. I was sitting in the library today studying after school and I just kept thinking about this stuff and got so frustrated because it feels like I've waited a long time to have another relationship without success.

I do have a theory on why I don't look at anyone in a loving way very often, if any. I think it could be because J and I never really were around each other as just friends before I left. Ugh I keep going back to this stuff but that's how I feel. And then with him asking me out again a few months ago didn't really scream "closure" to me. I'm just so sick of love songs and those cliche love stories in the media. I'm just sick of seeing couples, reminding me that I'm not a part of one. It just kind of pisses me off and I know I'm not the only one. I'm just another lame-ass person complaining about petty problems. So I guess I'm just excited for the change in my mood when I visit everyone in Istanbul.

Fuck, even this reminds me of J. A few months ago he said something almost like this to me when we were in our fight. He talked about how so many people had their relationships and how he felt kind of lonely. Well, if you're reading this, then I guess it backs up my point of you not being the only one who gets like that. I miss you. I miss everyone else also. I miss the way I felt and who I was and my outlook on the world. Carpe Diem. Because that day will end.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 21 days. Aka 3 weeks today and I'm on the plane.

A Letter to You, Doctor

Doctor,

I only have one question to ask you; what was the truth? I could never tell and still can't. I can make educated guesses but it gets me no where because it isn't the truth, rather an opinion of what it might be. I keep wondering why you would lie, but most of all why I believed you. Because you were my friend- that's why. Friendship is built on trust- it's what guides friendship and what stems a healthy relationship. But that trust didn't bring me to a place of friendship. I keep getting mad at myself that I didn't figure things out sooner- that I didn't end our friendship the moment my trust for you ended. In fact, it wasn't even me who initially thought of it. It was a friend's dad. He asked the question if all of it was real, and question eventually carried out to me. It still feels like it wasn't real, though- not just baby June, but what actually happened. It feels like I spent so much time wondering if everything was real that whenever I think about it now, it feels like it was all a dream and not reality.

There is one thing, Doctor, that I would like to say to you. Thank you. The fucked up situation you concocted has destroyed me and from the ashes that was my mind rose a new version of me. I have been angry at the lies for so long that I have finally gotten over being angry at you, rather grateful in some twisted way. Doctor, you have showed me a different kind of strength in myself. You have taught me to be careful. You have taught me to hold back. Most of all, you've taught me that it's okay to ask for help sometimes. Because of you, I have become someone very different on the inside. People don't realize very much how I have changed, but I realize it every now and then when I remember how I used to be. I am more open now. I want to make a change now. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did, so I want to do something about it. Because of you, I ran for Co-Prez. Not directly, but who you made me is the person who ran for Co-Prez and she is very excited to help people find a place and have people to go to if they need a breather from situations like mine last semester.

However, one thing I am not thankful for the feelings I have felt and what I still feel. You made me feel inferior at every moment. You made me feel gullible, and broken. You made me feel angry at myself for feeling that way. Hell, you made me angry that I suggested a great name that I might have chosen for my own potential daughter one day and now the name June is tarnished in my eyes. You physically made me sick. My acid reflux made last semester one of the hardest times of my life. You made me feel like no one gave a damn. I am not thankful for the feelings you forced me to feel and I will fight to make sure that no one makes me feel like that again.

Yet the year is coming to a close, Doctor. The semester that I went though with your lies has ended and the aftermath is ending. In 27 days, Doctor, I will be done with these feelings. All of them. I will force myself to no longer feel this way. I am not going to be bullied by the memories anymore. I am done with lies, I am done with the hurt feelings and I am done with the year of hell.

So when you see me in the halls next year, Doctor. You will no longer see the aftermath. When we make eye contact, you will no longer see the hurt or anger. You will see peace because I am done fighting. You win- I felt like shit. Congratulations. Well now it's my turn. Not to make you feel like shit, but to control my emotions. So here's something for the whole world to see that I have been wanting to say for months:

Fuck you.

Love,
Brisbane

P.S. 30 days and I will finally have the escape I dreamed of.

Everything But You

If you take a look at my life- it's pretty good right now. Student elections were on Thursday and I'm now co-prez with my friend which I'm excited about, my grades are really good and it feels like I finally have everything I was looking for (last semester especially). But I just realized a major part of my life is missing- you.

I read your letter again. It's the third time I've read it since you sent it to me a few months ago. It's also the third time I cried while reading it. I have no idea what is going on. What has been going on. I mean our emotions keep going back and forth between happiness, love, sadness and anger. It feels like I'll never truly get over you- just that I may not think about my feelings for you as often. Sometimes I wish I never moved away and met you because then I wouldn't be able to miss you as much as I do. I know I'm seeing you in almost 30 days but it wont be for long enough.

I just miss you so much. I miss you hugs still. The slight sent of you and ohh did you smell good aha. It sounds kind of creepy but I miss it too. When you sent me my friendship bracelet, it smelled like you and it made me the think of every hug we had and I broke down then and there. Sometimes I do regret telling you that I didn't want a long distance relationship. That part is still true but I wanted to check off 'yes' so bad when you put the cliche "will you be my girlfriend" at the end of your letter. I still do want to check it off in a way.

I just miss you. And you wrote that you learned to appreciate the phrase Carpe Diem in your letter. I learned that from you.

Love,
Brisbane

P.S. 32 days until I'll be in the same city as you again. And only a few more from there until I get another one of those memorable hugs. I miss you.

Feeling Great? Well We'll Just Have To Change That

Seriously, you know how people are always talking about balance and equilibrium like it's a way of life? Well I don't always look at it like a good thing. Like right now- some great things are happening and then they are being balanced out by shitty-ness.

First off, in my last post I talked about my sister's friends going all bitchzilla on her and about wanting to do something. Well today she was really upset so I finally had it, so I texted one of her friends. I wanted to make sure I wasn't attacking them very much, rather being the voice of reason because years of friendship shouldn't go down the drain because of one new relationship. So I texted and I also asked for my sister's friend not to tell my sister because she would get mad and really hurt. So guess what the friend did- told my sister. So basically after trying to help my sister, I've only been kind of a hindrance and now I doubt my sister will trust me as much especially with this situation. The thing is- I know it's hard for her anyways but knowing she doesn't have many people to talk to because her friends are being assholes means she will feel even more alone. It sucks. I just wanted to help but like every other time in my life, whenever I try and help a situation, I just kind of screw things up and leave people worse off than before.

On top of that, elections are in a few days and my speech is going really well- the teacher who runs student council really liked it and my dad and I tweaked it and now I really like it too. So I was thinking that was going really well. But I need to get advertising fast. My friend and I have a bunch of plans for tomorrow and stuff but I'm so nervous. I really hope things work out well in the end..

The Cappies Gala is also coming up in a few weeks. Remember the musical I did? Well some people got nominated for this award show they do throughout the city so I decided to go with some friends from the musical. We're going to go to dinner and then to the award show to support everyone. But guess who is on the list... Doctor. Fuck- why can't I get away from her? I honestly want to punch her- how am I going to spend the night with her when I can hardly stand being 10 feet from her? I swear if she talks to me I will snap at her and then end up looking like the bitch to people. I just want it to be summer so I can escape being in the same city as her. I want to go back to where things were all good with good people. I just want to go back to Istanbul.

You know those times where you look at a memory and are so thankful for it but are so heartbroken by it that you'd rather not have had it at all? Well it's kind of like that for me. If I had never gone to Istanbul, I wouldn't have met all of those amazing people and had that amazing experience but on the other hand I wouldn't have to miss them, you know? I know I'm going back soon but I am about to explode with longing to stay there. I just want everything to work out and stay like that for a while this time.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 37 days <3

Seriously, Are You All Five Year Olds?

Let's all just take a moment to reflect on those long years you have lived. Count them. Are you five? If you are, please get off the internet but if you aren't, please don't act like one...except when having fun like watching disney movies..

So my sister has been upset for weeks because her friends are being five year olds and having bitch sessions about her because she hangs out with her boyfriend. My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for over 7 months and they are such a cute couple so they obviously spend time with each other, right? Well her friends apparently have a problem with that. They make plans the day before they want to hang out and get mad at my sister because she already has plans with her boyfriend. So now whenever she hangs out with them, they ignore her or bitch at her so she doesn't hang out with them as often. Then they get even more pissed at her and have huge bitch sessions about her.

This has been hurting her so much for so long and I really want to say something but I'm not sure if it's my place to intervene. In my opinion, they're just jealous of my sister's happiness with her boyfriend and that they may feel like her boyfriend is taking their role. But they keep getting mad at her with stupid reasons and it aggravates me so much. I mean FKDSJDHSKLF:JSDKLFS argh.

I am so excited and scared for this week. Elections are in a few days and I'm freaking out. On top of that I have 2 tests and a bunch of other crap to do like memorize my 100 lines for the children's play we're doing for drama. Well, at least it was the part I wanted- I got the role of Cinderella in Cinderella and the Substitute Fairy Godmother. It's so funny. But I also have to memorize as much of my speech as I can for Thursday. I can't wait for summer. I just want to have a day where I have nothing on my mind because I didn't even get that last summer. And I'm so excited to go back to Istanbul in 38 days. That place is like my savior. I live to go back to that place- to see everyone again. I just want those hugs I've been longing for for so long and (I know it sounds creepy but) to smell those familiar people again. You have no idea how excited I am. And one thing will be in my head when I'm there: Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

38 Days <3

20th Post.

That's right- it's my 20th post. I am so happy I made this blog because it helps me so much. I like having the fact that I can write down almost anything and get it off my chest without putting that burden on people because I'm not sure if you read this or not, and if you do which posts you have read. 

But of course, there is always stuff that bothers me. I mentioned last post that I'm running for Co-Prez at my school and it feels like I'm election- PMSing. One moment i think "this is awesome! I have a great chance and so many ideas! I'm ready for this" and then two seconds later I'm thinking "what the hell have I gotten myself into? I'm pretty much only going to get pity votes because the two others running have done so much at the school already that it's obvious I'm going to lose". I don't even know what to do. Elections are in 10 days and I'm freaking out. I have my interview tomorrow with the teacher who runs Student Council and I think the two current Co-Prez' so I'm nervous for that. I started making a few bows to hand out to people because it's different and it represents something which I'll explain on election day. I also have been thinking of stuff for me speech and different ideas I want to bring forward- Co-prez or not. 

The thing that has been bugging me though is the fact that I'm going against one of my best friends since JK. She is such a great person and would make a great co-prez and she's been doing so much for the school which makes me think she feels like I'm stepping on her territory. She has acted differently towards me since I told her I was thinking about running. I mean I knew she was running but we can talk about anything so I just brought it up to see what she'd think. She said I had a chance because I have friends and stuff but I can't really remember if she said I'd be good at it. But since then I kept going back and forth because I knew she was kind of uneasy with the idea. She's been planning on running with a friend of hers from Student Council since grade 9 so I think she got that in her head and thought it was going to be them who will become the two co-prez'. But the day I handed in my application, I texted her asking if she was okay with it just to make sure and she responded with "i hate going through the whole competition thing but you should do what you feel is best". It doesn't seem that weird, right? But I started thinking about it and I dunno if it's just me but it sounded like she almost tried to guilt-trip me into not running in a way. I doubt it was on purpose but it honestly feels like she feels like I'm stepping on her territory. It feels weird and she's been weird around me and I don't like it. I love her to death and I promised myself that this wasn't going to impact our relationship negatively but it kind of is. 

I mean I know I haven't been on student council at JMSS before or am on link crew but that doesn't mean I can't be good at it. I was on student council at my last school and have done a bunch of things. I talked to one of my chem buddies last week and she said I would make a great co-prez because I'm hard working and love to help people and make people happy. That motivated me because I realized I do want to do this for the right reason but some people have given me weird looks almost when I tell them who my competitors are. I talked one of the co-prez' a few weeks ago and asked him what he thought my friend would be like if I ran- like if she was really okay with it because he is her boyfriend. His answer really surprised me though because of the honesty. He said that even if her and the other person running have been planning on running for years that it shouldn't stop me. Having competition sucks anyways but if I run and get chosen then that means I have been chosen for a reason, and so I shouldn't let anything stop me if I really want to do this. But the thing is, I just don't want her thinking about me in this negative way. I don't want her looking at me like I'm her competition pushing up all on her grill. I think that's why I'm so uncertain about everything and why I'm PMSing. My heart is split in two almost. I want to run not just for myself but for others but at the same time I'm running against a friend. I really want to talk to her about it but she would probably mask everything and stuff. I dunno.

Whatever. It'll all be over in 10 days. Hopefully those 10 days won't screw up years of friendship though. I'm so confused.

Love,

Brisbane. 

Is It Wednesday Already?

No, seriously- this week feels like it's on turbo drive or something. I guess cause it's been kind of a weird, and busy week but it doesn't feel busy. I mean I've been doing homework and different things for school like there's no tomorrow which is great because I'm busy but it's weird how fast this week is going.

So on Sunday, I finally made a decision which is probably going to freak me out for two weeks and ultimately decide what my senior year will be like for me. I decided to run for Co-Prez. You may ask yourself "Why the fuck is this chick running for co-prez of a school she just wanted to get away from for the past few months?" but it's because I wanted to do something with those emotions. I wanted something good to come out of everything I've been feeling. I want to decrease the number of other people that are or will feel like that. I want to make a difference. Sure, this may not be the smartest choice for my acid reflux but fuck it- I will beat it and I have learned to deal with it. And I don't mind being busy- it's just stress that gets to me but again, I will learn to deal with it. The thing is though, there are two spots and three people are running. I'm going against the two badass people. Not badass competitive-like but my best friend since JK who is amazing and is probably getting one spot because she is so well-known and such a hard worker, as well as another girl who does so much for the school. I mean when you look at it like that, it makes me think "what have I gotten myself into" but the thing is- if I do get a spot, then that means that I got it for a reason, and if I don't, then hey- vice-prez it is, you know? I'm not in it for the glory or the power but just the ability to help make the school really awesome.

There are some things that I'm worried about though- the campaigning. I'm such an awkward  person I have no idea what to do and at the same time, I'm running against two great people so I don't want to be all intense and go for the cupcakes, buttons, posters and so much more. I want to keep it simple but effective. Funny but not over done. I mean I know I can make a great first impression especially if it's with a small group of people like for the interview I have to do, and I know I can make a killer speech- but only if I can write a killer speech, and I need people's interest beforehand. I'll try and figure it out though. Start a facebook group or something... aha I dunno. Wish me luck though! Tell your friends if you go to my school? aha I dunno.

Another thing I just realized a few moments ago is how I regret the times that I'm not busy enough. I mean I'm busy right now but when I am overloaded, I think of nothing but what comes next. Since I've been busy as hell the past few weeks, I haven't really been thinking and of course the first thought I get when I do think is how I feel kind of empty in a way. My sister has a boyfriend and they are so cute together. She always tells me stuff and her boyfriend and her go together like PB & J. The thing is, I'm jealous of how she feels. I mean the way she talks about him (not in a make-me-vomit kind of way) and how she always goes out with him. I just kind of want that you know? I just kind of want to like someone in that way and have them like me back. And don't pull one of those "well is there anyone you can think of?" cause there isn't anyone you should think about- if you like someone, it should come automatically. I mean there are a lot of great guys that I know but I just don't feel that way towards anyone. I don't want to look for a relationship so I guess I'm still waiting for that cute relationship where the guy will take me on a date without telling me where we're going and then take me to a random museum and then get chinese take-out and watch Batman afterwards or something. Yep- that is probably one of my ideas of a perfect date. Oh, and chocolate. Lots of chocolate :) I dunno, there are just too many cute relationships going on, it feels and I'm just waiting for my turn.

I think that's pretty much all that's on my mind right now other than how badass Batman is and shit... and how I should probably get stuff done soon because I've finally been putting stuff off.. eh whatever. Carpe Diem.

Love,
Brisbane

A Breath of Fresh Air

Sorry I haven't updated you guys in a while but I've been really busy. Not the bad type of busy though- a good type. The past week has been really good for me and it's been a breath of fresh air and it's nice to savour it for once. 

Last weekend I went to the States for shopping because my sister needed a prom dress. It was really nice to get out of Ottawa for once and have a small family vacation where you'd get charged long distance for texting. It was good because it was just so chill. My sister and I bonded a bit (which is amazing because we're so close but she's been spending a lot of time with her boyfriend lately) and my family just seemed to relax. My sis did get a prom dress and it looked great on her but once we got home, she found out someone else has it so we're going to try and alter it to look a bit different. Hopefully that'll work out though.

While I was below the boarder, I did get my friend some candy. This may seem kind of random to you but we don't get the same candy here and I decided to get her some candy as an inside joke because a few weeks ago we watched Holy Musical, B@man! and oh my gosh, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. We had to pause it multiple times because we were laughing to hard and we kept missing the next line. I wont spoil it for you but if you know Batman at all, you know there are a hell of a lot of puns. So I got her candy to make a lot of puns. On the Monday I gave her the candy with my puns and she almost died laughing. Good times. And if you haven't seen Holy Musical, B@man, I recommend watching it because it was mind blowing like every other Starkid production on Youtube.

Tuesday night I went to see the Coffee House at my school. It's this thing where people sing and play music for a few hours. It was really cool- I had never been to one before but the singers were amazing. I knew a lot of the people in it and that's why I went but everyone was fantastic. One of my friends blew my mind. She was the second last performance and she has always been an amazing singer and she legit gave me shivers. I felt kind of bad though because she kept saying afterwards how she didn't take in enough air and it wasn't the greatest but I kept at her and made her feel better because she was amazing. After the Coffee House I went to my other friend's house to practice what we were going to do for the talent show on Thursday night at Leadership Camp (we couldn't perform it though because there wasn't enough time which sucked but whatever). 

Wednesday night was also really good. I had a Leadership Camp session and we found out the theme of the camp this year which was battle of the bands. My group, since we ended up being all girls, were the Spice Girls. But it was really fun. And Thursday to Friday we were actually at Leadership Camp. I miss it already. Last weekend I realized how much LC changed me last year- a guy in grade 12 that I hardly knew was in my group and I told them during polyatics that I missed Istanbul and sometimes wished I never came back, and this guy wrote me a 'warm and fuzzy' (something the camp does before going home) and he said that he was glad that I didn't stay in Istanbul. I got so emotional then and that actually really got me feeling better about being in Ottawa. This year was no different- I changed as a person after going. You just have so much fun and get so much out of it. I got so much off my chest at polyatics from this year and I learned so much. I feel like I have connected with so many people too and have stronger relationships with people in my group, including my best friend. She was the one with me during the Doctor stuff and it was the first time we really talked about that stuff after it all happened and I can't even put down in words how I'm feeling and how I felt discussing stuff with her. 

So yeah that's pretty much been my week. Oh yea, with Grade 12 drama, people are still going at it- everyone decided to do something and we're going to keep trying. But yeah. I hope things keep getting better. I know they will though- I'm going to Istanbul in 53 days, summer is also coming up as well as the Dark Knight Rises and Ice Age 4. It's gonna be a good summer :) I'm hoping it'll make up last summer. No more pregnant chicks, no more teenage drama- just friends, reading and movies. Carpe Diem

Brisbane

Longing for Liberation.

 About 9 weeks till summer but if only it would come sooner and never leave. I'm tired of it here. I hate my school so much and I haven't had a day since about this time last year where I thought "hey, I'm glad I came back to this". I mean it's almost like a disgust for my school. I don't know what it is or why, really- I just detest going to my school.

It isn't that it's school in general. I mean I quite enjoyed my last school in Istanbul but here I can't seem to like it. Sure I have had fun but it isn't wasn't because of the school, really. The people in it are decent- the musical was fun and my friends are here- but it's all outweighed. I'd give it all up if I could. And yes, I'm serious about this- I want to switch schools.

It isn't really a recent idea of mine- I've had it since last semester. I've just never really acted upon it. But today just did it for me. I want to switch schools. I want to take action and change things other than just complaining about it all the time. I keep longing for change so why not try? The school cancelled my drama program. I accepted that today. Everyone is too lazy to get off their asses to do something about it but they keep complaining and I'm tired of stressing out about it because they're too fucking stupid to even ask people if they're willing to sign a stupid little petition. I mean fuck! One of my friends was devastated when she found out and has pretty much been a mess since she found out. So I started a group for us on facebook and kind of kept the spirit going not just for myself but it was mainly for her. But lately she's been pissing me off because she keeps moping about it and asking people to do stuff to save it but wont get up off her ass to do something herself. I was the one who pretty much forced her to start a petition because she wasn't doing shit. Then I told her to ask her friends since she had the sheet with her in her other classes. She didn't even ask one person. Another friend of mine made an announcement in her english class asking people but like 2 people decided they'd 'think about it'. But she isn't doing anything and I'm tired of it. She isn't the only one upset about this but if she isn't going to even try then fuck it. She can deal with it if she isn't willing to put in the effort. I'm done.

But every day I go to school hoping for something exciting to happen or at least something good. Something that would change my outlook. I mean I physically told myself this morning that today was going to be a good day to try and be positive (looks like I jinxed it). But it's stupid. I feel so hopeless about it now and I realized at lunch today that I'm never truly going to be happy here. I keep putting up these false predictions or feeble hopes which keep getting shut down. So today I looked at some of my options. I'm going to make a guidance appointment tomorrow to see but I have to do it in a sneaky way. You see, in my school board, you need an approved reason to transfer schools such as for academic purposes or for really intense personal reasons. I doubt the guidance counsellor would put me down for personal circumstances so I have to see if maybe I can transfer schools that would benefit my education. I think my best option is a focus program for a semester because it's better than nothing. I just need to see if any of the schools in my region offer focus programs that at least revolve around science, especially chemistry. Most I've found so far are for art, music, drama, languages, construction, technology..etc. So no dice as of yet. I'll hopefully get a guidance appointment soon, though.

I'm just so tired of feeling this way. It doesn't really feel like anyone really understands though. I mean there's my sister- she's understanding but she doesn't know I've still been feeling shitty after the Doctor incident. My parents see things only in their opinion most of the time- if I ask them to switch schools right off the bat, they would probably chuckle and tell me it's a silly idea. No joke. Most of my friends don't know what I've been feeling like either. They see the school version of me and the one friend I do see the most outside school isn't my go-to-gal for emotional problems. She's one of those people that you can't really have a deep conversation with, really. I do have a few friends though, who if I talked to them would listen and try and understand but I hate bothering people like that. And they would be the people I can be 100% honest with but that doesn't mean I'd share the whole story because I know how big of a burden listening to someone's problems can be, trust me. I just kind of wish my two best friends from Istanbul were here. They have always been able to help me feel better in the best way. One looks at things really practically but with so much empathy that you can talk to him about anything and walk away with a better understanding of everything and with a clear head. My other friend (yes, it's J) I talk to about anything also. He's a great listener and gives great advice and is one of those people that will help the situation and then make you laugh afterwards to make sure you're okay. I know I'm going to see them both in the summer and that I can skype them but it isn't the same. I miss them terribly and all I could think about at lunch when I was pretty well having a mental breakdown was how much I wanted to be with them. Don't ever hold yourself back from anything because one day it will be gone. And when it is, the worst feeling to have is regret.

Brisbane.

Don't Take My Sunshine Away

So today I get to school. Started out a normal day and all. But when I got to drama class, my teacher was slightly late. Normally, people don't think anything of their teachers being late but this is Mr.H- the teacher who makes you get a late slip if you are right outside the door as the bell rings but not really in a mean way. But him- late- was the first sign of trouble. During class, we were all working on our One Acts and I dunno, he didn't really seem like his old, dramatic self. But my friends and I just kind of thought it may be an off day for him. But noooooo. During second period today, I was called down to student services to which I find out that they are canceling my grade 12 drama class.

Like don't even fucking go there.

People in my class knew it was a possibility that the school would want to cancel it because we only have 14 some odd people signed up for it but they literally started a war today. My good friend was a mess all day and was crying, she got me going and my other friend. Everyone was so pissed and we still are. We are planning on changing this.

Now, I'm not going to go on a huge rant on why they shouldn't cancel the drama class and what not but just how I feel about it. Oh yeah, get ready. And if you roll your eyes, you probably should have known better because I'm sure if you've read every post, you know probably more about my current self than others. But it didn't even sink in at first. I was just thinking "okay, I'll humor the guidance counsellor, talk to Mr.H with the others and we'll fix it". But when I started thinking about it, I got really upset. I mean I used to want to go into drama later on in life and I still kind of do, just not as a career. However, that wasn't what got to me. It was the fact that drama class is the only class I have been happy about all year. It is the one class that keeps me going. It was going to bump up my average, it was going to be a blast and it was going to be my oasis in boring classes and shitty feelings. Acting is the only time where I can pretend to be someone else yet be myself at the same time and not feel crappy for acting a certain way in front of people like always.

It just made me realize how this class signified who I was and how I can still feel. I mean I watched Holy Musical, B@man with my friend on saturday night and I realized it was the first time in a long time that I just had fucking amazing time without thinking about anything else. It was the happiest I've been in a long time. But that's what I mean by oasis. Sure, drama class isn't always the most exciting thing but it always amps up my mood during the day. It's the only class I actually have fun in and feel like my old self. It makes me feel like I have hope of kind of returning to that old self. Once I realized that, my motivation changed so much.

After talking to Mr.H, I went back upstairs and decided to check on my two friends who were really upset about the cancellation, so I found them in the bathroom, and as cliche as we are, there were some tears. I got in there and my friend was still so torn up and my other friend had teary eyes and I told them how I felt about everything (what you just read above) and I started to cry a bit. I just felt so shitty until I went to the gym and blew off some steam. But now, I am just intensely motivated to keep this class. They can't take it away from me without a fight because I will fight for that oasis.

I guess I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Brisbane

Are We There Yet?

You know that feeling when you're on a road trip and it's been a few hours already so you're bored of what's going on but you still have a really long time till you're free? Well that's me and that is my analogy for the day. I'm so tired of it here. After going to Istanbul and coming back to this crap, I just want to leave. It isn't as bad as when I was going through my shit with Doctor and I wanted to escape so bad (I was looking up boarding schools because it was almost like a dream for me, even though my parents would never agree). But now I just feel numb in a way. Numb. One of those words that you never know what it truly means until you feel it. Before when people would talk about being numb, I used to think it was this state where you couldn't feel anything and you weren't aware of what's really going on. The first part is kind of right, I have discovered. I mean it isn't extreme or anything where I don't have any emotions but I just feel almost like I'm bored on a long road trip. I just feel restless almost. I want to be free again. And road trips weren't even my favorite because I'd be alone with my thoughts. But that's always in my head, whether it's like right now and I long to end this torture they call high school and begin university, or when I'm doing stuff with friends and then it just creeps in to my mind. 

I keep returning to this. I don't know why but I do. I don't think I'll ever really be able to leave this but it honestly began with Doctor. My first semester when I got back was great but as soon as I got close with her, my life fell to shit. I was talking to my friend today about it. I told her that I wasn't really sure how I felt about anything anymore especially what happened. I mean if everything was true and she was pregnant, then I ditched a stressed, pregnant teen on her ass, and if it was all fake then I suffered and still am suffering for nothing? I mean I guess the ideal situation (well, not really what I call an "ideal situation") would be that she was pregnant at the beginning but then became a psychopath and lost the baby but continued on the charade. Then I'd get the best of both worlds- it wouldn't have all been a lie but I wouldn't have left her for the wolves. But that's an "ideal situation". I honestly doubt that is what happened. The only real regret I have though about that whole situation is not about letting it get to me or keep allowing it to get to me- but that I didn't really do anything about it. I just took it. Sure I moved lockers and cut off communication with her and what not but I didn't really end things how I wanted to. I was too focused on not hurting her but I should have just said 'fuck it' and told her off. I can't now, obviously but I still want to. Every time I see her in the halls I want to scream at her with a whole range of curse words while simultaneously crawling up in a ball and burying myself alive. People don't realize that though. If you have ever talked to me face to face about how I felt about everything, then I doubt you would have gotten my true emotions. I can't show every part of how I feel to someone- I don't know why but I can't. But to tell her off or to hear about someone telling her off, even would have helped me, I think. But you know me- can't ask for help and can't hurt people on purpose. It would have just kind of been nice, you know? But I guess all opportunities are gone now. Because of that I feel hopeless in a way- like I'll never get over this because I don't know what really happened and I didn't get to do what I wanted to do for so long and still want to do. 

I don't know how to feel about anything anymore, though. I mean I just cope, really. School is so boring and I just want to leave and everything. But like with the road trip analogy- I still have a long time to go. I'm just done with dealing with high school shit. High school classes, high school drama, high schoolers- everything. I'm done with this rut that I've dug that I can't get out of until university. I'm just done. 

Brisbane. 

Chill? What is the Meaning of Chill?

Well it just seems like it's one thing after another for me. I haven't had a single period in about the past 9 months where there hasn't been anything that's been stressing me out. Whether it's pregnant 16 year olds, school, stupid hormones or people being unnecessarily foolish, I have been trying to plow through it to get to that moment when the rain ceases and the sun begins to shine.

I mean the other night I couldn't take it any more. I was so upset and was freaking out. On the verge of a mental breakdown, I decided to finally talk to J. Screw waiting- I needed him and I knew he wasn't enjoying the silence either. So we talked. Tears were shed (on my part) and then some laughs. It was great. Finally one thing I could cross off my list of mental stress. Yet once again, as one thing is crossed out, another is added. Apparently my stress list thinks equilibrium is with high levels, and it decides to restore it once one goes away..

My friend has been stressing me out lately. He's been depressed about a bunch of things and I want to help him like how he kept at me, trying to help. But the thing is (and this is all in my opinion) I was more willing to get over what I was going through and I was open to change. I wanted to get better and I would try as hard as I could to get there. But my friend doesn't seem like he is willing to put in the effort. I know he's probably reading this right now, so don't get mad at me because you know there is some truth behind this. But he keeps fighting whatever I say. I know what it's like to be at that point where it feels like nothing is going to work but he isn't even at the point of trying right now, no matter how simple the suggestion is like trying to find something positive in everything. Yep. He even fought that. But I keep stressing out about it. I want to keep helping but my acid reflux is acting up again and I don't want to get in to a fight with him about anything. I just want him to feel better. Here's the twist though. Are you ready? This is what really gets me: Doctor has actually had an affect on me and not in a good way. Before, she would always text me and we would talk about her problems and nothing else. She would always stress me out and fight the suggestions I would give no matter if I was agreeing with her previous point. I knew it was all for attention though. It isn't the same with my friend though- but it feels like it. I am paranoid. That's what it is. I'm scared it's going to happen again and it's always in the back of my mind. And then starts the dark cycle of me stressing out.

Along with school and catching up after the musical, there is another minor thing that's stressing me out. There's a guy at my school that I met last semester and he really likes me- the guy I went to semi formal with. He wrote about me on his blog and it was the sweetest thing I've ever read. I love hanging out with him and talking to him because he always cares and even when he isn't happy, he tries to be to help me feel happier. I know he reads this too because he checks up on me. The thing is: I feel too stressed to actually even look at a guy. I mean it isn't him that I don't like it's the idea of more drama. I don't know. I haven't wanted to be in a relationship here with someone since probably the summer because of all of the Doctor shit stressing me out. I just don't really know what to do though. I mean I know the only thing I can do is wait and let things flow but I hate hurting people. He's going to read this and I'm basically 'friend-zoning' him again like I did for semi. People like him shouldn't keep being hurt like how I keep hurting people. I think that's another thing too. I keep hurting people. J said it's because when people interact, someone is bound to get hurt at some point but why do I always do the hurting? I feel like I shouldn't get too close with anyone because I don't want to hurt them. Don't think it's a sad and stupid excuse because that's how I feel. And if you know me, you know that when someone gets hurt, I also end up hurt.

I can't wait until the 27th of April though. I get a PD day at my school and my family is going to the US because my sister is looking for a prom dress and they would have a lot more selection. I'm so excited because I get to escape. Finally, what I've been waiting for for so long is so close- a trip where I can't take my phone even if I wanted to and I can say 'fuck it' to all problems for a period of time. And the best part is I won't be alone to think. I'll be busy and with my family so I won't be crying in my room like every other fucking weekend cause I have too many emotions. Why did everything have to happen to me? I feel like the summer of 2011 ruined me. I have felt it for so long and I keep feeling it. I hate being here. I want to leave and go somewhere where I can start fresh and not be reminded of shit every day. My room is the worst. It's the place where I would hate life every day for months. I sat in my chair feeling numb with tears in my eyes for three hours in the same position. My bed, too. School and home- the two places I spend the most time are the two places with so many thoughts and memories that haunt me and I want to escape. Fuck, I can't wait for university.

Brisbane.