I can't deal with everyone's problems. I have my own life to deal with. I understand that you need someone to talk to and I do want to help you but sometimes I just can't. There is too much going on right now for me to wear myself thin with the problems of many others. School is exhausting enough. Thinking about my future is exhausting enough. My own problems are exhausting enough. I need more 'me' time. Time to relax and not worry about anything. Time to prevent even more mental breakdowns. There isn't enough time in the world right now. I can't deal with everything anymore- I need a break from it all.
Love,
Brisbane
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Frustration
Okay, now I'm really starting to feel like a senior.
In math class on my first day of school this year, my teacher said that we will become extremely frustrated this year. That we will yell and scream and cry for no apparent reason because we will become so frustrated with school. Well, she was right. I just feel like everything is pissing me off and annoying me. Thinking about University gets me stressed about grades and my future which stresses me out about classes. There are too many decisions this year. Too many decisions that will affect you in so many ways for a long time. And it's not just trying to get the grades to make it in to University but my mom is not happy about me wanting to go away. I mean she understands but some of her comments make me feel really bad. I'm also a little worried about leaving everyone else though if I do end up leaving- what about the people I have been best friends with for years? Will we keep in touch and remain friends? I'm also a little worried talking to my boyfriend about it. We haven't discussed it yet but I'm waiting to see what happens before we talk about anything. I don't want to fuck anything up like I did when I left while dating J. And then there's student council. I think I wrote about how I felt like I was being brushed aside and not included as much as I feel like I should be. Well I actually had a nightmare about it last week. The problem isn't going away and I'm planning on talking to my friend about it when I can.
I dunno I may just be in a mood because I've been sick for the past few days but I'm just so frustrated with everything. I want a vacation- go somewhere and leave my worries behind for longer than a few hours at a time. Shmleh. I guess I just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Carpe Diem.
Love,
Brisbane
In math class on my first day of school this year, my teacher said that we will become extremely frustrated this year. That we will yell and scream and cry for no apparent reason because we will become so frustrated with school. Well, she was right. I just feel like everything is pissing me off and annoying me. Thinking about University gets me stressed about grades and my future which stresses me out about classes. There are too many decisions this year. Too many decisions that will affect you in so many ways for a long time. And it's not just trying to get the grades to make it in to University but my mom is not happy about me wanting to go away. I mean she understands but some of her comments make me feel really bad. I'm also a little worried about leaving everyone else though if I do end up leaving- what about the people I have been best friends with for years? Will we keep in touch and remain friends? I'm also a little worried talking to my boyfriend about it. We haven't discussed it yet but I'm waiting to see what happens before we talk about anything. I don't want to fuck anything up like I did when I left while dating J. And then there's student council. I think I wrote about how I felt like I was being brushed aside and not included as much as I feel like I should be. Well I actually had a nightmare about it last week. The problem isn't going away and I'm planning on talking to my friend about it when I can.
I dunno I may just be in a mood because I've been sick for the past few days but I'm just so frustrated with everything. I want a vacation- go somewhere and leave my worries behind for longer than a few hours at a time. Shmleh. I guess I just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Carpe Diem.
Love,
Brisbane
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Another Station, Another Mile
When you reflect on your day before you lay your head down to sleep, what do you think about? How do you feel? How about when you reflect on the past year? Twelve months is an extremely long time and a lot can happen. Normally for me, when I look back on a year, I think of it all as a blur but recently, I have been thinking about the past year a lot. I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that I found a journal I started around this time last year. Well it was 12 months ago this week that I wrote those entries and it is astounding how I have changed.
When I wrote those entries, I talked about how all I wanted was to be free of acid reflux and of drama. After reading those entries, I thought about what happened next. All that happened seemed to be through bad luck. I felt lonely and blamed it on closing myself off after Doctor, I blamed my acid reflux on summer school and other stress, I was angry my schedule for school wasn't going to work out and had to take a grade 12 course rather than the Anthropology class I wanted to take, I had self-confidence issues and I just wanted to leave Ottawa. Sure, my life isn't perfect now but all of that negativity and bad luck ended up turning in to something incredible. I feel extremely happy and love the friends I have who have helped me through so much as well as an incredible boyfriend- all of which can make me smile every day; I am thankful every day that I don't feel sick and that I never had it worse, taking grade 12 physics was stressful but I at least don't have it this year and that is actually how I met my boyfriend, I am happy with how I look and feel incredible that the school elected me as one of the co-presidents, and I have never been happier to live here and to see the people I do. All of this just makes me feel really optimistic about the challenges that I now face and that I will face in the future.
University applications and thinking about my future and grades have been stressing me out lately but thinking about it now, I feel a lot better about it. Right now, I keep stressing about grades to get into the university I want in the end, what courses to apply for and where to apply to. But the thing is- I'll be over at some point and either way, I'll learn to deal with what I face next. It's just another milestone in my life that is giving me a chance to grow. It may seem negative now but in the end, it may lead to something incredible like some of my other past experiences. I have learned that if you dwell on your current negative experiences, you may not realize how good it might get or how good it is now. A year ago I would cry myself to sleep. Now I fall asleep with a smile. Carpe Diem. And no matter what, it will get better. No matter how bad it seems, I promise you that one day it will get better and when it does, you will get that warm feeling and a small smile on your face that I get now. Now is just one part of your life. Are you ready to face the rest of it? I sure am. Bring on the applications!
Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine,
The time we kill keeps us alive.
Love,
Brisbane
When I wrote those entries, I talked about how all I wanted was to be free of acid reflux and of drama. After reading those entries, I thought about what happened next. All that happened seemed to be through bad luck. I felt lonely and blamed it on closing myself off after Doctor, I blamed my acid reflux on summer school and other stress, I was angry my schedule for school wasn't going to work out and had to take a grade 12 course rather than the Anthropology class I wanted to take, I had self-confidence issues and I just wanted to leave Ottawa. Sure, my life isn't perfect now but all of that negativity and bad luck ended up turning in to something incredible. I feel extremely happy and love the friends I have who have helped me through so much as well as an incredible boyfriend- all of which can make me smile every day; I am thankful every day that I don't feel sick and that I never had it worse, taking grade 12 physics was stressful but I at least don't have it this year and that is actually how I met my boyfriend, I am happy with how I look and feel incredible that the school elected me as one of the co-presidents, and I have never been happier to live here and to see the people I do. All of this just makes me feel really optimistic about the challenges that I now face and that I will face in the future.
University applications and thinking about my future and grades have been stressing me out lately but thinking about it now, I feel a lot better about it. Right now, I keep stressing about grades to get into the university I want in the end, what courses to apply for and where to apply to. But the thing is- I'll be over at some point and either way, I'll learn to deal with what I face next. It's just another milestone in my life that is giving me a chance to grow. It may seem negative now but in the end, it may lead to something incredible like some of my other past experiences. I have learned that if you dwell on your current negative experiences, you may not realize how good it might get or how good it is now. A year ago I would cry myself to sleep. Now I fall asleep with a smile. Carpe Diem. And no matter what, it will get better. No matter how bad it seems, I promise you that one day it will get better and when it does, you will get that warm feeling and a small smile on your face that I get now. Now is just one part of your life. Are you ready to face the rest of it? I sure am. Bring on the applications!
Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine,
The time we kill keeps us alive.
Love,
Brisbane
Monday, October 1, 2012
"Dare to Imagine the Unimaginable"
So this morning, Student Council got a presentation from a group called Day of Information for a Lifetime of Action. The presentation was about getting youth to be inspired to take initiative and address problems that they feel should be addressed (for example: mental health, poverty locally and globally, hunger and so much more) and I got really inspired. There is a conference in a few weeks and I'd really like to go so I'll keep you guys updated on that but the presentation really made me think and want to do something. We were asked to say what we liked about the world, what we disliked and what we would want to change, as well as what we were most passionate about changing. I heard many great answers and all of which I agree with- mental health being a big one.
The election speech I gave a few months ago included an analogy of everyone trying to find their 'bow'. Basically, I associate bows with acceptance due to how bows always remind me of Istanbul and how I was accepted so easily there and how I found my place in the world from that experience. Well I meant what I said when I told the student body that I wanted to help people find their bows. I want people to feel good about themselves and I know I'm not going to be able to do that for everyone but I want to try. Even if I can only succeed in helping one person. I have heard countless times people saying how they think they are fat, stupid, ugly and every other negative adjective under the sun. Not one of them have been right in my opinion. And those comments that they use on themselves, or that others may have bullied them with lead to mental health issues. If the world would be a little more accepting, everyone would be better off. I know so many people who just need someone to help see that they're wrong sometimes. And not the bad wrong- everyone thinks that being wrong is one of the worst things- people are too afraid of being wrong; but I want them to feel better knowing they're wrong. I want to find a way to help people see that.
I really want to start brainstorming already to try and figure out ways to help people. I want to help people. I don't really have a bucket list. But one thing that is on my mental one is to save someone's life. One of my friends said that I helped save hers and I almost broke down in Starbucks from happiness that I helped her get through tough times and that I still have her now. I'm planning on donating blood this year through my school and now I want to start something to help others who sometimes just need someone to bring them back down to Earth. People have done that on countless occasions for me and I am extremely appreciative of it. Now I want to do something with those feelings.
Love,
Brisbane.
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