About 9 weeks till summer but if only it would come sooner and never leave. I'm tired of it here. I hate my school so much and I haven't had a day since about this time last year where I thought "hey, I'm glad I came back to this". I mean it's almost like a disgust for my school. I don't know what it is or why, really- I just detest going to my school.
It isn't that it's school in general. I mean I quite enjoyed my last school in Istanbul but here I can't seem to like it. Sure I have had fun but it isn't wasn't because of the school, really. The people in it are decent- the musical was fun and my friends are here- but it's all outweighed. I'd give it all up if I could. And yes, I'm serious about this- I want to switch schools.
It isn't really a recent idea of mine- I've had it since last semester. I've just never really acted upon it. But today just did it for me. I want to switch schools. I want to take action and change things other than just complaining about it all the time. I keep longing for change so why not try? The school cancelled my drama program. I accepted that today. Everyone is too lazy to get off their asses to do something about it but they keep complaining and I'm tired of stressing out about it because they're too fucking stupid to even ask people if they're willing to sign a stupid little petition. I mean fuck! One of my friends was devastated when she found out and has pretty much been a mess since she found out. So I started a group for us on facebook and kind of kept the spirit going not just for myself but it was mainly for her. But lately she's been pissing me off because she keeps moping about it and asking people to do stuff to save it but wont get up off her ass to do something herself. I was the one who pretty much forced her to start a petition because she wasn't doing shit. Then I told her to ask her friends since she had the sheet with her in her other classes. She didn't even ask one person. Another friend of mine made an announcement in her english class asking people but like 2 people decided they'd 'think about it'. But she isn't doing anything and I'm tired of it. She isn't the only one upset about this but if she isn't going to even try then fuck it. She can deal with it if she isn't willing to put in the effort. I'm done.
But every day I go to school hoping for something exciting to happen or at least something good. Something that would change my outlook. I mean I physically told myself this morning that today was going to be a good day to try and be positive (looks like I jinxed it). But it's stupid. I feel so hopeless about it now and I realized at lunch today that I'm never truly going to be happy here. I keep putting up these false predictions or feeble hopes which keep getting shut down. So today I looked at some of my options. I'm going to make a guidance appointment tomorrow to see but I have to do it in a sneaky way. You see, in my school board, you need an approved reason to transfer schools such as for academic purposes or for really intense personal reasons. I doubt the guidance counsellor would put me down for personal circumstances so I have to see if maybe I can transfer schools that would benefit my education. I think my best option is a focus program for a semester because it's better than nothing. I just need to see if any of the schools in my region offer focus programs that at least revolve around science, especially chemistry. Most I've found so far are for art, music, drama, languages, construction, technology..etc. So no dice as of yet. I'll hopefully get a guidance appointment soon, though.
I'm just so tired of feeling this way. It doesn't really feel like anyone really understands though. I mean there's my sister- she's understanding but she doesn't know I've still been feeling shitty after the Doctor incident. My parents see things only in their opinion most of the time- if I ask them to switch schools right off the bat, they would probably chuckle and tell me it's a silly idea. No joke. Most of my friends don't know what I've been feeling like either. They see the school version of me and the one friend I do see the most outside school isn't my go-to-gal for emotional problems. She's one of those people that you can't really have a deep conversation with, really. I do have a few friends though, who if I talked to them would listen and try and understand but I hate bothering people like that. And they would be the people I can be 100% honest with but that doesn't mean I'd share the whole story because I know how big of a burden listening to someone's problems can be, trust me. I just kind of wish my two best friends from Istanbul were here. They have always been able to help me feel better in the best way. One looks at things really practically but with so much empathy that you can talk to him about anything and walk away with a better understanding of everything and with a clear head. My other friend (yes, it's J) I talk to about anything also. He's a great listener and gives great advice and is one of those people that will help the situation and then make you laugh afterwards to make sure you're okay. I know I'm going to see them both in the summer and that I can skype them but it isn't the same. I miss them terribly and all I could think about at lunch when I was pretty well having a mental breakdown was how much I wanted to be with them. Don't ever hold yourself back from anything because one day it will be gone. And when it is, the worst feeling to have is regret.
Brisbane.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Don't Take My Sunshine Away
So today I get to school. Started out a normal day and all. But when I got to drama class, my teacher was slightly late. Normally, people don't think anything of their teachers being late but this is Mr.H- the teacher who makes you get a late slip if you are right outside the door as the bell rings but not really in a mean way. But him- late- was the first sign of trouble. During class, we were all working on our One Acts and I dunno, he didn't really seem like his old, dramatic self. But my friends and I just kind of thought it may be an off day for him. But noooooo. During second period today, I was called down to student services to which I find out that they are canceling my grade 12 drama class.
Like don't even fucking go there.
People in my class knew it was a possibility that the school would want to cancel it because we only have 14 some odd people signed up for it but they literally started a war today. My good friend was a mess all day and was crying, she got me going and my other friend. Everyone was so pissed and we still are. We are planning on changing this.
Now, I'm not going to go on a huge rant on why they shouldn't cancel the drama class and what not but just how I feel about it. Oh yeah, get ready. And if you roll your eyes, you probably should have known better because I'm sure if you've read every post, you know probably more about my current self than others. But it didn't even sink in at first. I was just thinking "okay, I'll humor the guidance counsellor, talk to Mr.H with the others and we'll fix it". But when I started thinking about it, I got really upset. I mean I used to want to go into drama later on in life and I still kind of do, just not as a career. However, that wasn't what got to me. It was the fact that drama class is the only class I have been happy about all year. It is the one class that keeps me going. It was going to bump up my average, it was going to be a blast and it was going to be my oasis in boring classes and shitty feelings. Acting is the only time where I can pretend to be someone else yet be myself at the same time and not feel crappy for acting a certain way in front of people like always.
It just made me realize how this class signified who I was and how I can still feel. I mean I watched Holy Musical, B@man with my friend on saturday night and I realized it was the first time in a long time that I just had fucking amazing time without thinking about anything else. It was the happiest I've been in a long time. But that's what I mean by oasis. Sure, drama class isn't always the most exciting thing but it always amps up my mood during the day. It's the only class I actually have fun in and feel like my old self. It makes me feel like I have hope of kind of returning to that old self. Once I realized that, my motivation changed so much.
After talking to Mr.H, I went back upstairs and decided to check on my two friends who were really upset about the cancellation, so I found them in the bathroom, and as cliche as we are, there were some tears. I got in there and my friend was still so torn up and my other friend had teary eyes and I told them how I felt about everything (what you just read above) and I started to cry a bit. I just felt so shitty until I went to the gym and blew off some steam. But now, I am just intensely motivated to keep this class. They can't take it away from me without a fight because I will fight for that oasis.
I guess I'll keep you posted on what happens.
Brisbane
Like don't even fucking go there.
People in my class knew it was a possibility that the school would want to cancel it because we only have 14 some odd people signed up for it but they literally started a war today. My good friend was a mess all day and was crying, she got me going and my other friend. Everyone was so pissed and we still are. We are planning on changing this.
Now, I'm not going to go on a huge rant on why they shouldn't cancel the drama class and what not but just how I feel about it. Oh yeah, get ready. And if you roll your eyes, you probably should have known better because I'm sure if you've read every post, you know probably more about my current self than others. But it didn't even sink in at first. I was just thinking "okay, I'll humor the guidance counsellor, talk to Mr.H with the others and we'll fix it". But when I started thinking about it, I got really upset. I mean I used to want to go into drama later on in life and I still kind of do, just not as a career. However, that wasn't what got to me. It was the fact that drama class is the only class I have been happy about all year. It is the one class that keeps me going. It was going to bump up my average, it was going to be a blast and it was going to be my oasis in boring classes and shitty feelings. Acting is the only time where I can pretend to be someone else yet be myself at the same time and not feel crappy for acting a certain way in front of people like always.
It just made me realize how this class signified who I was and how I can still feel. I mean I watched Holy Musical, B@man with my friend on saturday night and I realized it was the first time in a long time that I just had fucking amazing time without thinking about anything else. It was the happiest I've been in a long time. But that's what I mean by oasis. Sure, drama class isn't always the most exciting thing but it always amps up my mood during the day. It's the only class I actually have fun in and feel like my old self. It makes me feel like I have hope of kind of returning to that old self. Once I realized that, my motivation changed so much.
After talking to Mr.H, I went back upstairs and decided to check on my two friends who were really upset about the cancellation, so I found them in the bathroom, and as cliche as we are, there were some tears. I got in there and my friend was still so torn up and my other friend had teary eyes and I told them how I felt about everything (what you just read above) and I started to cry a bit. I just felt so shitty until I went to the gym and blew off some steam. But now, I am just intensely motivated to keep this class. They can't take it away from me without a fight because I will fight for that oasis.
I guess I'll keep you posted on what happens.
Brisbane
Monday, April 16, 2012
Are We There Yet?
You know that feeling when you're on a road trip and it's been a few hours already so you're bored of what's going on but you still have a really long time till you're free? Well that's me and that is my analogy for the day. I'm so tired of it here. After going to Istanbul and coming back to this crap, I just want to leave. It isn't as bad as when I was going through my shit with Doctor and I wanted to escape so bad (I was looking up boarding schools because it was almost like a dream for me, even though my parents would never agree). But now I just feel numb in a way. Numb. One of those words that you never know what it truly means until you feel it. Before when people would talk about being numb, I used to think it was this state where you couldn't feel anything and you weren't aware of what's really going on. The first part is kind of right, I have discovered. I mean it isn't extreme or anything where I don't have any emotions but I just feel almost like I'm bored on a long road trip. I just feel restless almost. I want to be free again. And road trips weren't even my favorite because I'd be alone with my thoughts. But that's always in my head, whether it's like right now and I long to end this torture they call high school and begin university, or when I'm doing stuff with friends and then it just creeps in to my mind.
I keep returning to this. I don't know why but I do. I don't think I'll ever really be able to leave this but it honestly began with Doctor. My first semester when I got back was great but as soon as I got close with her, my life fell to shit. I was talking to my friend today about it. I told her that I wasn't really sure how I felt about anything anymore especially what happened. I mean if everything was true and she was pregnant, then I ditched a stressed, pregnant teen on her ass, and if it was all fake then I suffered and still am suffering for nothing? I mean I guess the ideal situation (well, not really what I call an "ideal situation") would be that she was pregnant at the beginning but then became a psychopath and lost the baby but continued on the charade. Then I'd get the best of both worlds- it wouldn't have all been a lie but I wouldn't have left her for the wolves. But that's an "ideal situation". I honestly doubt that is what happened. The only real regret I have though about that whole situation is not about letting it get to me or keep allowing it to get to me- but that I didn't really do anything about it. I just took it. Sure I moved lockers and cut off communication with her and what not but I didn't really end things how I wanted to. I was too focused on not hurting her but I should have just said 'fuck it' and told her off. I can't now, obviously but I still want to. Every time I see her in the halls I want to scream at her with a whole range of curse words while simultaneously crawling up in a ball and burying myself alive. People don't realize that though. If you have ever talked to me face to face about how I felt about everything, then I doubt you would have gotten my true emotions. I can't show every part of how I feel to someone- I don't know why but I can't. But to tell her off or to hear about someone telling her off, even would have helped me, I think. But you know me- can't ask for help and can't hurt people on purpose. It would have just kind of been nice, you know? But I guess all opportunities are gone now. Because of that I feel hopeless in a way- like I'll never get over this because I don't know what really happened and I didn't get to do what I wanted to do for so long and still want to do.
I don't know how to feel about anything anymore, though. I mean I just cope, really. School is so boring and I just want to leave and everything. But like with the road trip analogy- I still have a long time to go. I'm just done with dealing with high school shit. High school classes, high school drama, high schoolers- everything. I'm done with this rut that I've dug that I can't get out of until university. I'm just done.
Brisbane.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Chill? What is the Meaning of Chill?
Well it just seems like it's one thing after another for me. I haven't had a single period in about the past 9 months where there hasn't been anything that's been stressing me out. Whether it's pregnant 16 year olds, school, stupid hormones or people being unnecessarily foolish, I have been trying to plow through it to get to that moment when the rain ceases and the sun begins to shine.
I mean the other night I couldn't take it any more. I was so upset and was freaking out. On the verge of a mental breakdown, I decided to finally talk to J. Screw waiting- I needed him and I knew he wasn't enjoying the silence either. So we talked. Tears were shed (on my part) and then some laughs. It was great. Finally one thing I could cross off my list of mental stress. Yet once again, as one thing is crossed out, another is added. Apparently my stress list thinks equilibrium is with high levels, and it decides to restore it once one goes away..
My friend has been stressing me out lately. He's been depressed about a bunch of things and I want to help him like how he kept at me, trying to help. But the thing is (and this is all in my opinion) I was more willing to get over what I was going through and I was open to change. I wanted to get better and I would try as hard as I could to get there. But my friend doesn't seem like he is willing to put in the effort. I know he's probably reading this right now, so don't get mad at me because you know there is some truth behind this. But he keeps fighting whatever I say. I know what it's like to be at that point where it feels like nothing is going to work but he isn't even at the point of trying right now, no matter how simple the suggestion is like trying to find something positive in everything. Yep. He even fought that. But I keep stressing out about it. I want to keep helping but my acid reflux is acting up again and I don't want to get in to a fight with him about anything. I just want him to feel better. Here's the twist though. Are you ready? This is what really gets me: Doctor has actually had an affect on me and not in a good way. Before, she would always text me and we would talk about her problems and nothing else. She would always stress me out and fight the suggestions I would give no matter if I was agreeing with her previous point. I knew it was all for attention though. It isn't the same with my friend though- but it feels like it. I am paranoid. That's what it is. I'm scared it's going to happen again and it's always in the back of my mind. And then starts the dark cycle of me stressing out.
Along with school and catching up after the musical, there is another minor thing that's stressing me out. There's a guy at my school that I met last semester and he really likes me- the guy I went to semi formal with. He wrote about me on his blog and it was the sweetest thing I've ever read. I love hanging out with him and talking to him because he always cares and even when he isn't happy, he tries to be to help me feel happier. I know he reads this too because he checks up on me. The thing is: I feel too stressed to actually even look at a guy. I mean it isn't him that I don't like it's the idea of more drama. I don't know. I haven't wanted to be in a relationship here with someone since probably the summer because of all of the Doctor shit stressing me out. I just don't really know what to do though. I mean I know the only thing I can do is wait and let things flow but I hate hurting people. He's going to read this and I'm basically 'friend-zoning' him again like I did for semi. People like him shouldn't keep being hurt like how I keep hurting people. I think that's another thing too. I keep hurting people. J said it's because when people interact, someone is bound to get hurt at some point but why do I always do the hurting? I feel like I shouldn't get too close with anyone because I don't want to hurt them. Don't think it's a sad and stupid excuse because that's how I feel. And if you know me, you know that when someone gets hurt, I also end up hurt.
I can't wait until the 27th of April though. I get a PD day at my school and my family is going to the US because my sister is looking for a prom dress and they would have a lot more selection. I'm so excited because I get to escape. Finally, what I've been waiting for for so long is so close- a trip where I can't take my phone even if I wanted to and I can say 'fuck it' to all problems for a period of time. And the best part is I won't be alone to think. I'll be busy and with my family so I won't be crying in my room like every other fucking weekend cause I have too many emotions. Why did everything have to happen to me? I feel like the summer of 2011 ruined me. I have felt it for so long and I keep feeling it. I hate being here. I want to leave and go somewhere where I can start fresh and not be reminded of shit every day. My room is the worst. It's the place where I would hate life every day for months. I sat in my chair feeling numb with tears in my eyes for three hours in the same position. My bed, too. School and home- the two places I spend the most time are the two places with so many thoughts and memories that haunt me and I want to escape. Fuck, I can't wait for university.
Brisbane.
I mean the other night I couldn't take it any more. I was so upset and was freaking out. On the verge of a mental breakdown, I decided to finally talk to J. Screw waiting- I needed him and I knew he wasn't enjoying the silence either. So we talked. Tears were shed (on my part) and then some laughs. It was great. Finally one thing I could cross off my list of mental stress. Yet once again, as one thing is crossed out, another is added. Apparently my stress list thinks equilibrium is with high levels, and it decides to restore it once one goes away..
My friend has been stressing me out lately. He's been depressed about a bunch of things and I want to help him like how he kept at me, trying to help. But the thing is (and this is all in my opinion) I was more willing to get over what I was going through and I was open to change. I wanted to get better and I would try as hard as I could to get there. But my friend doesn't seem like he is willing to put in the effort. I know he's probably reading this right now, so don't get mad at me because you know there is some truth behind this. But he keeps fighting whatever I say. I know what it's like to be at that point where it feels like nothing is going to work but he isn't even at the point of trying right now, no matter how simple the suggestion is like trying to find something positive in everything. Yep. He even fought that. But I keep stressing out about it. I want to keep helping but my acid reflux is acting up again and I don't want to get in to a fight with him about anything. I just want him to feel better. Here's the twist though. Are you ready? This is what really gets me: Doctor has actually had an affect on me and not in a good way. Before, she would always text me and we would talk about her problems and nothing else. She would always stress me out and fight the suggestions I would give no matter if I was agreeing with her previous point. I knew it was all for attention though. It isn't the same with my friend though- but it feels like it. I am paranoid. That's what it is. I'm scared it's going to happen again and it's always in the back of my mind. And then starts the dark cycle of me stressing out.
Along with school and catching up after the musical, there is another minor thing that's stressing me out. There's a guy at my school that I met last semester and he really likes me- the guy I went to semi formal with. He wrote about me on his blog and it was the sweetest thing I've ever read. I love hanging out with him and talking to him because he always cares and even when he isn't happy, he tries to be to help me feel happier. I know he reads this too because he checks up on me. The thing is: I feel too stressed to actually even look at a guy. I mean it isn't him that I don't like it's the idea of more drama. I don't know. I haven't wanted to be in a relationship here with someone since probably the summer because of all of the Doctor shit stressing me out. I just don't really know what to do though. I mean I know the only thing I can do is wait and let things flow but I hate hurting people. He's going to read this and I'm basically 'friend-zoning' him again like I did for semi. People like him shouldn't keep being hurt like how I keep hurting people. I think that's another thing too. I keep hurting people. J said it's because when people interact, someone is bound to get hurt at some point but why do I always do the hurting? I feel like I shouldn't get too close with anyone because I don't want to hurt them. Don't think it's a sad and stupid excuse because that's how I feel. And if you know me, you know that when someone gets hurt, I also end up hurt.
I can't wait until the 27th of April though. I get a PD day at my school and my family is going to the US because my sister is looking for a prom dress and they would have a lot more selection. I'm so excited because I get to escape. Finally, what I've been waiting for for so long is so close- a trip where I can't take my phone even if I wanted to and I can say 'fuck it' to all problems for a period of time. And the best part is I won't be alone to think. I'll be busy and with my family so I won't be crying in my room like every other fucking weekend cause I have too many emotions. Why did everything have to happen to me? I feel like the summer of 2011 ruined me. I have felt it for so long and I keep feeling it. I hate being here. I want to leave and go somewhere where I can start fresh and not be reminded of shit every day. My room is the worst. It's the place where I would hate life every day for months. I sat in my chair feeling numb with tears in my eyes for three hours in the same position. My bed, too. School and home- the two places I spend the most time are the two places with so many thoughts and memories that haunt me and I want to escape. Fuck, I can't wait for university.
Brisbane.
Monday, April 9, 2012
I Miss You
People say that moving gets easier in time. I guess that's true. But people always leave out how hard it can be. Sure I'm home but I also left part of my home. I don't get to experience the same things. I don't get to talk to my friends as often or for as long. You don't even get those hugs that you crave from the moment you let go in saying goodbye till God knows when. But that's all that people can say- it'll get better. Some advice, right?
The thing with moving back home is that I keep comparing everything to Istanbul. The people, my school, my friends, how I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling it. I'll be honest with you- when I was there, I didn't miss home very much. I mean I was going back, I was always busy and even though it was hard moving at first, I loved it there. Sure I missed it but it doesn't even come close to how I feel now. I'm visiting at the end of June but a lot of my friends moved away to other countries and I won't see them. But I miss them all and I feel hopeless because of it. I don't know what to do with myself so I find myself almost panicking and writing on this random blog.
With this stupid stuff with J, I've realized how much I depend on him, how much I care about him and how much I miss him. I think I've only told one person about this but when I got the letter that he wrote to me, asking me to be his girlfriend again, there was a friendship bracelet in the envelope. I knew I was getting it because we planned to make one for each other but all of a sudden I smelled it. It smelled like him. You never realize how much scents can recall memories until it happens but I remembered exactly how his hugs felt and how I would get a little hint of how he smelled. The smell that I finally got a taste of after about 14 months. I instantly broke down crying, of course. But I realized that that smell would fade and go away, being exposed to so much more now. So in the next 24 hours I would sneak off by myself and smell it. Sounds kind of crazy right? But it kept me going for a bit. Now I feel like I would give anything for that smell again. To feel as content I was in that moment. I just miss him so much and I'm worried about him and I have always been conflicted about what we are to each other. But in the end, it doesn't matter what we are because we will always care about each other. And not talking to him in the past month is killing me.
Lately I have been thinking about what will happen when I visit. I don't know what it'll be like when we spend time with each other again. I don't know if our feelings are going to flood back or even what those feelings will be. I don't know how we will act towards each other and I don't want to regret it. When one of my friends from Istanbul visited in August, shit went down and he still liked me and I was constantly feeling sick and in the end we didn't talk for a long time. For a time I almost regretted that he visited. I don't want that to happen in June. But I don't know what I want to happen. All I know is that I want to see him. I want to see everyone. I want to be there again- the place where everything was so much better than here. I honestly wish I didn't leave some days. I know things have changed there but I'd rather go through those changes than be here. It isn't that I hate it here- it's that it doesn't even compare to how life was like for me in Istanbul.
That piece of advice I told you was common at the beginning of the post, sometimes it isn't about the advice. People always focus on how words can affect people but sometimes silence can be so much more powerful. Some of the hugs I got in my life have been the most powerful things and I would give anything to experience one of those powerful hugs. And don't just walk up to me and hug me, please because they can't just be demanded like that. I can't put it in to words but I hope you have been fortunate enough to have one of those hugs to know what I'm talking about.
Brisbane.
The thing with moving back home is that I keep comparing everything to Istanbul. The people, my school, my friends, how I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling it. I'll be honest with you- when I was there, I didn't miss home very much. I mean I was going back, I was always busy and even though it was hard moving at first, I loved it there. Sure I missed it but it doesn't even come close to how I feel now. I'm visiting at the end of June but a lot of my friends moved away to other countries and I won't see them. But I miss them all and I feel hopeless because of it. I don't know what to do with myself so I find myself almost panicking and writing on this random blog.
With this stupid stuff with J, I've realized how much I depend on him, how much I care about him and how much I miss him. I think I've only told one person about this but when I got the letter that he wrote to me, asking me to be his girlfriend again, there was a friendship bracelet in the envelope. I knew I was getting it because we planned to make one for each other but all of a sudden I smelled it. It smelled like him. You never realize how much scents can recall memories until it happens but I remembered exactly how his hugs felt and how I would get a little hint of how he smelled. The smell that I finally got a taste of after about 14 months. I instantly broke down crying, of course. But I realized that that smell would fade and go away, being exposed to so much more now. So in the next 24 hours I would sneak off by myself and smell it. Sounds kind of crazy right? But it kept me going for a bit. Now I feel like I would give anything for that smell again. To feel as content I was in that moment. I just miss him so much and I'm worried about him and I have always been conflicted about what we are to each other. But in the end, it doesn't matter what we are because we will always care about each other. And not talking to him in the past month is killing me.
Lately I have been thinking about what will happen when I visit. I don't know what it'll be like when we spend time with each other again. I don't know if our feelings are going to flood back or even what those feelings will be. I don't know how we will act towards each other and I don't want to regret it. When one of my friends from Istanbul visited in August, shit went down and he still liked me and I was constantly feeling sick and in the end we didn't talk for a long time. For a time I almost regretted that he visited. I don't want that to happen in June. But I don't know what I want to happen. All I know is that I want to see him. I want to see everyone. I want to be there again- the place where everything was so much better than here. I honestly wish I didn't leave some days. I know things have changed there but I'd rather go through those changes than be here. It isn't that I hate it here- it's that it doesn't even compare to how life was like for me in Istanbul.
That piece of advice I told you was common at the beginning of the post, sometimes it isn't about the advice. People always focus on how words can affect people but sometimes silence can be so much more powerful. Some of the hugs I got in my life have been the most powerful things and I would give anything to experience one of those powerful hugs. And don't just walk up to me and hug me, please because they can't just be demanded like that. I can't put it in to words but I hope you have been fortunate enough to have one of those hugs to know what I'm talking about.
Brisbane.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Yay, Emotions!
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been kind of busy. Good thing too cause this post is only going to be a sum up other than long drawn out posts about random crap.
Last week was okay though- I was busy and occupied making memories from the school musical. It was really fun and it went really well and had a sleepover with one of my good friends the last night. It was good because we always have fun with each other but we also connect on an emotional basis that we rarely get the chance to at school. There were some good laughs and tears and what not.
But the week before that I got in a fight with J. I told you he asked me out again but I declined because I couldn't emotionally handle a long distance relationship. Well semi was coming up and the night before, a friend called and asked me to go with him and I though sure, why not? (Note to self- don't make any decisions when tired at 11 pm) Well right after I hung up the phone I realized that going to semi with him didn't mean that we were going as friends. So quickly and in panic, I texted him back asking to go as friends. Being the great guy he is, he said that was fine. Mistakingly, before and during texting the guy I went to semi with, I told J about it. He wasn't awake because of the time difference but I thought he had a right to know because I didn't want it to come out later and to hurt him even more. I told him we were going as just friends. He got back to me in the morning and he said that he was hurt but for me to go with the guy anyways.
The thing is, J and I had a fight because of stuff like that. The following day was shit for me. We both said some things that I regret and I'm sure he may regret too. But it was about me saying I liked J and then not going out with him, to which I go to semi with another guy and ask him if it's alright. I feel so bad about it and it's been bugging me for weeks. I understand now that I don't have to tell him everything because sometimes leaving out information or telling a little lie to help someone is sometimes better than delivering a painful truth. But J read a blog that my friend posted saying that I wanted to get in to a relationship to get over my history with J. Wrong. I want that feeling that I've always gotten with J again. I want it here. That was just my friend interpreting it and putting it in to words. But J judged me by that and got mad at me. That's one of the things that really got to me. He knows me and to think of me like that just hurt. A lot of that conversation hurt. Stuff that he said and stuff that I ended up saying. But J and I have hardly spoken in weeks, if any. And I want to talk to him. I want to get over this crap that we keep dealing with but I want to give him time. He hasn't started any conversations with me as of yet which sucks but I'm still waiting. I know it'll come.
Last weekend wasn't good though. I know I had a sleepover with my friend after the play but after that wasn't good. I sat on my roof crying in self pity for hours until it got so cold my feet went numb to which I proceeded to lie in the spare room and sleep. Also in self pity. I felt like I lost who I was- who I wanted to be. I still feel like a bit but I'm getting better. I keep hurting people that I get close to- J, the guy I went to semi with, I know it was a long time ago but Doctor. Stuff like that. I hate who I have become. I am always out to impress people because I'm tired of people having preconceived ideas of me and it's consumed me. There was a bunch more but I don't really feel like getting in to it right now. All in all it wasn't a good weekend. I talked to my mom the next day and she helped me but there isn't much people can say that will help. In my days, I have learned that talking doesn't to a whole lot to actually solve things. At least with my problems.
Brisbane
Last week was okay though- I was busy and occupied making memories from the school musical. It was really fun and it went really well and had a sleepover with one of my good friends the last night. It was good because we always have fun with each other but we also connect on an emotional basis that we rarely get the chance to at school. There were some good laughs and tears and what not.
But the week before that I got in a fight with J. I told you he asked me out again but I declined because I couldn't emotionally handle a long distance relationship. Well semi was coming up and the night before, a friend called and asked me to go with him and I though sure, why not? (Note to self- don't make any decisions when tired at 11 pm) Well right after I hung up the phone I realized that going to semi with him didn't mean that we were going as friends. So quickly and in panic, I texted him back asking to go as friends. Being the great guy he is, he said that was fine. Mistakingly, before and during texting the guy I went to semi with, I told J about it. He wasn't awake because of the time difference but I thought he had a right to know because I didn't want it to come out later and to hurt him even more. I told him we were going as just friends. He got back to me in the morning and he said that he was hurt but for me to go with the guy anyways.
The thing is, J and I had a fight because of stuff like that. The following day was shit for me. We both said some things that I regret and I'm sure he may regret too. But it was about me saying I liked J and then not going out with him, to which I go to semi with another guy and ask him if it's alright. I feel so bad about it and it's been bugging me for weeks. I understand now that I don't have to tell him everything because sometimes leaving out information or telling a little lie to help someone is sometimes better than delivering a painful truth. But J read a blog that my friend posted saying that I wanted to get in to a relationship to get over my history with J. Wrong. I want that feeling that I've always gotten with J again. I want it here. That was just my friend interpreting it and putting it in to words. But J judged me by that and got mad at me. That's one of the things that really got to me. He knows me and to think of me like that just hurt. A lot of that conversation hurt. Stuff that he said and stuff that I ended up saying. But J and I have hardly spoken in weeks, if any. And I want to talk to him. I want to get over this crap that we keep dealing with but I want to give him time. He hasn't started any conversations with me as of yet which sucks but I'm still waiting. I know it'll come.
Last weekend wasn't good though. I know I had a sleepover with my friend after the play but after that wasn't good. I sat on my roof crying in self pity for hours until it got so cold my feet went numb to which I proceeded to lie in the spare room and sleep. Also in self pity. I felt like I lost who I was- who I wanted to be. I still feel like a bit but I'm getting better. I keep hurting people that I get close to- J, the guy I went to semi with, I know it was a long time ago but Doctor. Stuff like that. I hate who I have become. I am always out to impress people because I'm tired of people having preconceived ideas of me and it's consumed me. There was a bunch more but I don't really feel like getting in to it right now. All in all it wasn't a good weekend. I talked to my mom the next day and she helped me but there isn't much people can say that will help. In my days, I have learned that talking doesn't to a whole lot to actually solve things. At least with my problems.
Brisbane
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