Insecurities.

So we all have our insecurities, right? Well I'm not sure if I'm just becoming more self aware or that I have just developed some new ones in the past while but they seem to be bugging me more and more and I keep letting them get to me. Now I am actually still hesitant about writing this stuff down because I have never really opened up this much to anyone and therefore you can't judge me on how I look at myself and you can't treat me any differently. That's the deal.

First off, I think the main thing I hate about myself is how obsessed I am with how I think people perceive me. I have this desperate need to appear almost perfect in a way. Not in a way that I brag or try and be perfect- I just want to go through life looking like I'm okay. Actually better than okay. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's because I feel that imperfections aren't just flaws but weak points or maybe it's just because I don't want people to look down at me. I honestly don't know. My best guess is that when I came back from Istanbul, people already had their opinion of me from a few years previously. But I try hard to look a certain way. I was rehearsing a drama monologue with a friend and she wanted to video tape it so I can see myself later to improve and I freaked out. I hate seeing myself on camera. I see how stupid I look and I feel ridiculous. I couldn't practice while she was recording me because I felt like everything I did was stupid or weird.

Next is the classic insecurity many people have- their physical attributes. I mean some days my self confidence goes through the roof and I am happy to look how I do but most days I don't like how I look. My hair, my complexion, my legs, my midriff, my smile... stuff like that. And when I'm having a bad day I put a lot of thought and work in to what I wear and how my make up is done because it's surprisingly easy to appear happy and confident through material and a bit of cosmetics. There are two friends that I have and almost every day they comment on my outfit and compliment me. They are such great people and I feel bad because some days when I feel bad about myself I dress up for that reason. I feel like I want to impress them and they make me feel better about myself. But the thing is, I feel like a bad person for that. I don't want to be someone who dresses a certain way to fish for compliments. I never thought I was that person and I never was until this year.

Sometimes I feel insecure even teaching people or being myself around people I am not overly close with. I mean I'm kind of a nerd and science is my life so if people need help in chemistry, let's say, then I help them. But the thing is, I feel like people classify me in a distinct way when I do that. I feel like some just look at me like this weird encyclopedia or something but not in the way one of my friends do who thinks that I know everything and asked me why the sky is blue once just because. But I feel like the more popular kids don't look at me like that. Sure they're nice and all but I don't know what it is. I know they probably don't but when I state something or make a nerdy joke, I feel incredibly awkward.

My diet. Fucking hell why can't people understand lunches aren't my thing. When I lived in Istanbul, I only ate bread for lunch because the lunches they served were either horrendous or greasy. But I love bread anyways so it was a good trade off. I miss that bread. But then I got acid reflux here and I only ate dry things that were my "safe foods" because I didn't want to feel sick. I also hate tomatoes and I feel so awkward and almost a nuisance when everyone is having pizza and I have to find something else. But now and then people almost tease me on what I eat. Well not really tease but a guy at my school (I'm sorry but he is the strangest child I have ever met. You may know him as the Toe Guy because he asked to see my toes...) and he would look at what I was eating and comment almost every time he would stop by at lunch. I mean he would comment on everything but I find food and the act of eating is very personal. I dunno. I can also be a really messy eater. Lots of crumbs and many of those awkward "half the food reaches the mouth" type things happen. I hate eating in front of people other than my family or close friends because I feel like I gross people out.

The rest is just general, smaller insecurities. But there you have it. A day in the mind of Brisbane. And I'm not going to blame these things on the Doctor situation because I'm tired of blaming her for stuff that may not even be her fault. It could just be school or the media or something like that. Society- that's a good one. And I don't know why I have these insecurities or obsessions. And I'm not sure how to fix them or even if I want to fix some of them. Looking perfect or damn close isn't a bad thing in my opinion. If they don't know the real me then why should I reveal myself? They're not trying to find out if they believe I'm perfect. Or am I just tired of feeling the reverse and seeing seemingly perfect people? Again, I am at a loss for answers. Carpe Diem.

"Wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair
So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot
You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
You can find out first hand what it's like to be me"

Love,

Brisbane