I Need a Break

I haven't felt this feeling in a long time. The feeling of numbness periodically throughout my days. I can't really remember how it started this time but I have been having a rough few weeks and I feel like I have hit my breaking point. I don't really have a distinct reason why and I could just be very dramatic but this is what has been eating at me:

Stuff with J. It has been getting better. I have found a way to get a bit of closure but the question of why is still nagging at me. I know people have told me that they would be angry in my position and I kind of am but I feel more upset and guilty even though I'm not sure I did anything wrong. I have been told not to feel guilty for that reason, but I know I have hurt him. If not now, I have in the past and I am aware that I have changed him. I always try to affect people in a positive way- so if I leave them, I leave them in a better state if possible. But I know that it hasn't been the case with J, no matter how hard I have tried. I know he is more cynical about things now, especially on relationships and I feel bad about that. I feel guilty that in some twisted way in his mind, there was a reason to block me out. And I started feeling better about it on the weekend but then I broke my phone (I'll get to that) and I can't use the screen anymore, thus I cannot do anything with my phone. I can, however see that I have received text messages and one from whatsapp. I know I may just be getting my hopes up but I feel like there is a chance it is J. And the question whether it is him or not has been bothering me like crazy.

School and my future. I applied to university last night so that is all done and out of the way but I am still super stressed with school. I have been working hard to try and get good grades and I have been but I keep wanting to get better ones because I'm scared about making it in to university. Everyone has told me that I will almost definitely be accepted but I can't help but be scared about it. And now it isn't even getting accepted that's bothering me. I keep wondering if I am ready to go to university or not- if I should maybe take a year off. I just keep stressing out about school and I just feel like it will get worse in university. And am I ready to leave? I keep wanting to escape this place and go away for a while but I feel like there is a lot holding me back. I'm not worried about being mature enough but am I mentally able to handle university at this point? Another is leaving people behind. People say that you will keep in touch with the ones that matter and that is true in a sense but it isn't always. Trust me, when you move halfway around the world, you realize that keeping in touch with people you promise to stay in touch with doesn't always work out.

I will, however, be glad to get away from my sister. She has been stressing a lot lately over her night school course and had been taking it out on me for a while now. She is writing the exam in a little while so I guess it will get better but she has just been mean to me lately- especially when my parents are out. They were gone for the weekend and she and I got into an argument and we were screaming at each other. I went up into my room and threw the first thing in my hand without thinking- my cell phone. I know it is just a phone but I rely on it for a lot of things and a lot of people rely on the fact that I can get back to them. I just feel so guilty about breaking it though because it was unbelievably stupid and it did nothing to help me- it just caused more problems. I'm not able to talk to my boyfriend as often and I feel like I have begun to rely on him a lot lately to brighten my mood. We can still talk and skype and what not but getting his kind or funny texts throughout the day always make me smile. My parents said they will get me another one for Christmas as long as it doesn't happen again even though I told them I was sorry and that I will pay for a new one. It was nice of them not to be really angry about it but it's one of those "I'm disappointed in you" situations.

Another thing to add on to that is that I feel like I can't really talk to my parents about things. I know they told me a while ago that they have always respected my space and that they never wanted to pry but I have grown up not being able to talk to them about my problems and to get guidance from them. It feels unnatural now to even think about talking to them about these things. They know I have been really upset lately but they haven't really asked why. They asked quickly when they saw me crying and I just said that it feels like everything is piling up and it is overwhelming but they didn't ask for any elaboration. I guess I kind of want them to. I want to feel like they really care and want to help me feel better. And no, I'm not going to go up to them to talk- especially to my mom because I always get something like "I told you so", "you're being silly" or it leads to something that is all my fault. Don't get me wrong- my mom is really nice but I find she just isn't good at making me feel better about my problems. Last year with the Doctor stuff- the last time I had this numb feeling- she basically told me I was being dramatic and wasn't trying to help myself. Thanks mom- great talk.

I know I am not along- far from it. I know I can talk to my friends and my boyfriend and I do, but I just feel bad that I am putting these stupid problems on people. And that's how I feel when I tell them these problems- that its all so stupid. It does help a little- talking to them but I just want to talk to someone who isn't bias and won't worry about it afterwards. I can talk to the guidance counselor but I talked to her the week before about some stuff- I didn't get too in depth with it but I just don't feel like it anymore to be honest. I feel like I won't get anything out of it because these problems are so ridiculous.

I just want to make sure I don't burden people with my problems like I often find people doing to me. There is this one girl who does it frequently. It is a really one-sided friendship and that is the only reason she really talks to me- it's when she has a problem. I think she has only asked me how I'm doing a handful of times that I have known her (which is for about 2 years now?). And I can't just say "I can't deal with your problems anymore" because that would make me a bitch and I can't do that to her. But the thing is- I don't even really know what the problem is half the time. She talks to me about what she should do and refers to everything as "when it happened" or "it threw everything off balance" and I don't even know what "it" is, so I can't even give her honest advice. I'm just tired of dealing with the problems of random people and getting nothing in return. I'm not looking for anything but it would be nice to be able to talk to them about my problems and get advice in return.

I just keep feeling like I have this facade that I carry out day by day. That I can handle anything and am always so calm and composed. I try and give off the impression I am always collected and I do have a lot of patience but I am just so tired of keeping it up. It sounds weird but it takes a lot of energy to be nice to people. It honestly does. Because you always have to restrain how you really feel in some cases, you always have to do what's best for them and you always have to be whoever they need you to be. I stayed home today- I told my mom it was to work on summatives (which it was) but the other reason was because I didn't want to go to school and put on the facade again. I just don't have the will power or energy to do it. I need a break from it to return to who I am.

Normally, I forget a lot of my problems when I'm with my boyfriend. Our relationship has really grown and I always feel so happy and optimistic around him. I know I can talk to him about anything but I just feel stupid talking about what's been eating at me lately. He knows most of it but I didn't want to bring up one thing- the fact that I feel like our relationship is bitter sweet because I'm not sure where I will be a year from now. I did talk to him a bit about it a few weeks ago. I told him I didn't want to go in to it because we don't even know what will happen or if we will still be together. I really hope we will be though- I have a feeling we can because we talk about things long-term and we are really good together. I believe that if we do make it that long, that it is worth continuing because I don't plan on going far if I do make it in to university but I can't help but worry. Every time university comes up, he is one of the first things that pop into my mind. I mean I'm not going to stay in Ottawa just because of him- I know that it won't be the right thing and I know he won't let me stay only for him. I also know that we may not even be together then but I can't help but wonder what the end will be like for us. It sounds stupid, I know. And I am aware that it could be a long time from now- so there's no point in worrying about it, right? I'm not going to change anything I do now because of these thoughts and I feel guilty about having them but I just want to enjoy the present with him and worry about the end when it happens. It all just feels bitter sweet because I know there is a high probability of it ending.

I think that is pretty much it for now. I just really needed to get that out of my system. I know I will feel better soon, and I know the holidays are coming up in less than two weeks but I just really need that break now. I'm just so tired of everything.

Love,
Brisbane