Conflicted

I don't even know how to feel about things anymore. I don't know my opinion about what's been going on and I don't know what I want. I hate you but miss you at the same time. I feel stupid for it because this isn't healthy and I know it but for some reason I can't get you out of my head. Sure, some days are better than others but I miss having you as a best friend. I keep getting the sense you weren't honest with me last time we spoke. I dunno, maybe I just don't want to accept that you just didn't feel like talking to me all this time. Because it's easier to have a reason to blame it on than to accept it happened because that's just how the world works. I just miss having you as a best friend. When I was ignorant of how much you could hurt me.

I'm sorry I keep blaming this on you though. I know some of it is my fault too. But at least I put in the effort. It dawned on me today that I may never see you again. I might go to Istanbul this summer again but I don't know if you'll be there. I don't know if I want you to be or not. And because I am so conflicted, I can't hold on to a single feeling and it turns into a dull, empty ache. I just feel so lost about everything. And I hoped that skyping you last month would clear things up, that I would get new information or direction of where to go. I'm not so sure I did though. I figured out that you didn't care anymore but that's it. You barely said anything for God's sake. You just sat there watching me cry and struggle to figure things out. Do you know how much that hurt? I remember you'd be the first person I would go to if I had a problem. I would always talk to you and you'd help me figure things out. It just made me realize that our friendship is over.

I know nothing will ever be the same as it once was. But when I messaged you saying I wanted to work things out, I said that it was because friendship was worth fighting for. I feel so hypocritical now that I'm trying to accept that there is no more friendship between us. I feel so naive because I thought we would be friends for a lot longer than this. Maybe not forever but a hell of a lot longer than this. And if our friendship ended, I expected there to be a reason. And I didn't expect to feel this way. I didn't expect it to be so hard listening to some of the songs I used to listen to because they remind me of you. I remember listening to Syndicate while driving to the airport when I was moving away. I remember staring back at my town when we went around the last bend before the sun came up and I thought of you. Every time I hear that song I think of you. I'm just so tired of ending up in tears because of it.