Renewal

Sorry I haven't posted anything in about a month but I've been busy as hell. I don't even know where to start. I have been so happy lately. My time in Istanbul actually changed me a lot. It was the best trip of my life and I was so happy the entire time and even when I got back I felt incredibly optimistic. Sure it wasn't perfect- there will always be bumps in the road but it was a hell of a lot smoother than what it's been in the past year. I feel so refreshed. I've been hanging out with people almost non-stop and to be honest having a social life isn't as relaxing and exciting as I thought it would be but it's nice to be able to spend time with people every day. It'll stop for a week though because I'm volunteering and then doing driver's ed. I'm fine with that though. I feel so much better. I was talking with someone one night and we ended up on the conversation of crying. I didn't say it out loud but I smiled to myself because I couldn't remember the last time I cried in that instant. It was nice. That was a great night. 

A few days later, I did remember. It was about Doctor. I went to see her the day before I went to Istanbul to try one last time to get some footing on what had happened this past year. She still insisted she was pregnant and I had to keep grilling her almost for some sort of proof. She said she burned everything with someone who she now has a restraining order against so I can't talk to him or anything. So finally I told her to text me the phone number of her nurse practitioner. I could hardly breathe when I went to see my best friend afterwards because I was crying so much. But after not having to think about it for the time I was in Istanbul, I came to terms with everything. I realized since she still hasn't texted me the number, she either was never pregnant or doesn't care enough to prove she was. And I'm okay with that for once. That's what I mean- I've changed from going to Istanbul. It sounds so cliche but that was the escape I was dying for for months. 

So now I'm just trying to keep it up. I've been hanging out with a friend a lot lately and he always makes me feel better because we laugh about the most random things and he likes who I am. I mean sometimes I struggle with who I am and a few nights ago I was kind of bummed out by the fact that I'm a nerd and people give me weird looks sometimes and I always feel so awkward talking to people about what I like. But I was lying on my roof looking at the stars and thinking about the universe like I do every once in a while. I didn't complain about it but when he asked what I think about on my roof, I told him the truth- that I think about the universe and how I sometimes hate that I'm such a nerd. I didn't want to put it on him or anything so I stated it so he might take it as a joke but he made me feel better about everything. I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. I guess it's just a random memory that I wanted to talk about. It just reminds me that I don't have to feel sad and stay sad like I was with Doctor. It makes me feel better about who I am and thank Doctor in a way because I am who I am because of what she put me through. Even if it didn't alter my love for science directly, she still affected me. And I'm okay with that. I'm finally renewed. Carpe Diem.

Love,

Brisbane.