I'm going out to get them. Last night I was at my friend's house and this was the first time we've hung out in a while. It was really fun until like 8-8:30 when we began talking about some intense shit and we eventually got on the topic of Doctor. This wasn't the first time we had talked about Doctor together because both of us have been hurt by her in the past.
I told her that I wanted to finally stand up for myself like no one ever did for me and that I don't care if it's delayed- I want to go and get answers. I was told by a viking friend that I probably wont get any answers because Doctor preys on the weak and won't give up her charade but I think it's worth a shot. Even if I don't get answers, I want to stand up for myself. So at about 9 pm I told my friend that I just wanted to go then and there because I don't want this to just be another plan that isn't carried through. I have thought of so many things to say to Doctor in the past and none have been said. I'm tired of writing stupid letters telling her shit in a nice way. I'm tired of waiting for someone to stand up for me.
So my friend and I walked to her house which was about 15 minutes away and the entire time I was almost on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was shaking and I felt like I was going to puke. We got to her house and my friend decided to come to the door with me because I broke down when we got close to Doctor's house. We walked up to the door and noticed the lights were off but we decided to ring anyways. No answer. No one was fucking home. I rang it again just in case and walked away. We finally sat down on a curb not far away.
The thing is, nothing was going through my mind at that moment. I felt numb almost. I still don't know how I felt. I mean I guess I should be happy that I took the steps to go stand up for myself but it was all for nothing. I just sat there and stared into space for a while because I didn't feel anything. My friend said we can go try and see if she's home another time so we're probably going today but even if we don't, I'm still glad my friend was there and showed me the way anyways because she has always been able to empathize when it comes to Doctor. I'm just so angry at the world right now for how everything has turned out and how I'm still looking for answers.
I just want to know why. Why she did everything. Why it was a pregnancy that she decided to fake. Why be the leach she was. Why she didn't care. Why she apologized for her actions to everyone but the person who was sitting on her bed with scissors in her hand asking herself "Is it worth it". Why she didn't do anything after she knew suicide had crawled its way into my mind at one point or another. Why she is such a horrible person. I mean what makes a person do the things she did? Not just to me but to everyone. She has either ruined or come close to ruining so many lives that it's shocking.
So I'm going over at some point and I am going to ask her why. Even if I don't get the answers I'm looking for, I want to at least ask the questions and give myself a chance at getting a response. I just don't want to show her what I was like last night because if my viking friend was right, then I would have been preyed on because I probably looked weak. Hopefully because it's my second time going, I won't be shaking though. That would help.
Love,
Brisbane.
P.S. 5 Days
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