Senior Year Rant

Holy shit. Shitty shit shit fucking shit.

So basically I'm freaking out and it hasn't even been a week since my senior year began. I mean it isn't like I'm unhappy. Not at all- this is the happiest I've been in years. And it isn't like I'm really stressed. Not the same kind of stress I'm used to at least. But I'm freaking out.

So first off, do you know that weird feeling when you start your first day of school because it's change and change can make people anxious? Well I'm one of those people, especially with big change. My first day of school, I had a mini panic attack before I left because it felt like The Beginning Of The End.   It doesn't feel right that I'm graduating this year. There's so much pressure to get good grades this year (not like I wasn't putting enough pressure on my grades already), especially for university. I'll get on to universities later but on top of trying to get good grades, I'm Co-Prez. Yes, I am extremely happy with this but I still feel a bit guilty for taking it away from the girl who got Vice Prez. And because she was so dedicated to Student Council, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone that I can be just as good on Student Council and be an awesome Co-Prez like what I'm expected to be. But it's hard sometimes because I feel like it's just my friend (other Co-Prez) and the Vice Prez who are in "cahoots" with each other. I understand that they're doing a bit more right now because they've been on Student Council at this school before and I haven't here. So it's understandable. I just keep feeling the need to prove myself to them, the student body, the teacher and especially to myself. That's a lot of pressure.

And university applications are coming up. University presentations are beginning in like a week and a half so I need to start thinking about where I'm going to go and what I want to do. I have a few in mind but I don't know specifically the journey I need to take to get to where I want to go or what it entails. I know I want to be a Forensic Chemist and I know the basis of the job but I have no idea if there is any specific training I need. And on top of that, I feel like I don't know anything about university. I mean I only vaguely know what an undergrad is! I feel kind of stupid because of it. People ask me what I want to do and what I need to get there and I always feel like an idiot because it feels like I don't know shit. I mean I don't even know if I'm ready for university. I know I still have a while to go but if I don't feel all "let's do this" then who says I want to go to a university far away? I know I want to get out of Ottawa but things can change. People put so much pressure on decisions this year that sometimes it feels like this is my only shot at being happy and successful. I'm intimidated by everything about university. Yes, I want to go out and start my life but I feel too young. I want someone to give me all the information I need and say "go, figure your shit out" because that would be helpful as fuck. I'm debating about going to see the guidance counselor about it but it's not like she knows exactly what I need to do and what universities have the program I want or need.

All my life, I have planned everything out. From what to wear, to what my weekend looks like, to where I want to go with my life. But this is the first time it feels like there are too many variables to figure out a plan. I need to get all of my information and sort through it. I need to calm down and stop trying to be perfect and trying to meet what I believe everyone's expectations of me are. I'm so frustrated.

Carpe Diem. "Seize the day"; that day won't be there forever. It will change into a new day tomorrow. Be ready for it.

Love,
Brisbane