Truth Is Only a Matter of Perspective

Over the last couple days between studying for exams (ew), my mind has been wondering to the whole Doctor situation. Before when I used to think about it, I would either get really mad and have a mental breakdown or just have a mental breakdown from the emotions it caused me. But lately when I think about it, I think about it in a really calm way and I look at it like it never happened almost. It sounds weird I know, but it's almost like I am almost detached from all of the emotions it used to cause me.

One question that occurred during one of my last guidance counselor meetings is "does it really matter?" and I concluded then and even now- it doesn't. No, it did not make anything easier but as simple as that question is, it made me think about how I'll probably never know what really went down during those six months- whether it was all a lie, part lie or if it was all true. But that conclusion is what got me thinking- I don't think I want to know what it happened. 

I mean if it was all a lie then well, it kind of sucks that I fell for it that long. I will be right in the end (or at least part right) but it would still kind of suck if my months of suffering was over one continuous and very stupid lie. I mean it would make sense because frankly, her stories didn't make sense and I guess I started to feel left out from all the lies (pshh yeah right). But that would most likely make me feel like an idiot and just plain shitty. 

If it was all the truth, I honestly don't know how I would react. When my friend and I were debating about how to get out of everything, we felt trapped because if we stayed in we were going to go insane but if we left her then we would be seen as the bad guys. This would kind of be the case if Doctor really was pregnant because even if she treated us like tissue and put her problems on us and then threw us away when she was fine (either way it was like we lived to serve her emotional needs). But I would feel like a complete jerk. If I got pregnant and my friends ditched me on my ass I'd be pissed. But on the other hand I would act much differently. But the fact that I wrote her an extremely emotional letter saying I would stand by her and help her through her pregnancy when I found out didn't help. Not one bit. 

A mix of the two? Part truth part lie like one of those cliche movies where something happens and they have to pretend to do something and they use the line "it wasn't like that". That would be just peachy. If she was pregnant and had a miscarriage but kept that part a secret. Wow that scenario would make no logical sense in real life because you'd have to claim miscarriage in the end anyways... But do you see what I mean? You could come up with endless possibilities and all end up leaving you feeling like an asshole. That is how I felt when I was still friends with her but more extreme.

I have made terms with the past events in my mind and am not as angry at her anymore but I'm just kind of frustrated that she is doing so well. I mean call me a jerk for thinking this but if we meant so much to her, then don't you think she would fight to keep us as friends or at least have a little emotion when we leave her? But no. No apologies, no tears, no longing looks in the hallways. She just kind of got on with her life. I mean I'm not really wanting those but hey- it would have been nice to actually feel like those months of mental breakdowns would have meant something. 

She talked to me a few times though. Not one of those "hey how's it going" type things in the halls but during those class conversations with everyone she would look and talk to me. I'd respond politely to avoid awkwardness but I felt so uncomfortable. I couldn't keep eye contact at all and just wanted to ask her "what the hell happened?" or just plain "why?" but I knew I wouldn't get an answer that was either the truth or one that I would believe even if it was.

So here I am. Still wondering and always will. Not just about what happened and why but whether I really want to know. Sure it wouldn't change much, but it would change how I look things. I guess truth is only a matter of perspective. How you look at something is the truth to you but to someone else what you say you saw could sound like a complete lie. Truth and lies always get mixed up and sometimes we can't tell which is which and our perspective affects our lives just as much as what we view as true and false. But I guess you have to live with it- day by day. Carpe Diem.

Love,

Brisbane