On August 26th 2009, my life changed forever. I moved from my home in Canada that I've lived in my entire life to Istanbul, Turkey which to those who have ever been there, know it is completely different from Canadian cities. It is big, unorganized, polluted, busy and you have no idea what is going on half the time. But it is also beautiful, interesting, original and a place that you can't help but have fun in. There, I went to the British International School where I met people from all over the world. It took a while, but it was by far the place where I was happiest. On December 20th 2010, I moved back to the same house I was living in before and I was sad to go but I slowly got used to being back. First semester at my school went well- I still had my old friends and met some new ones but by the time summer rolled around, I wanted nothing more than to move back.
I was enrolled in reach-ahead in July (not recommended by me to anyone who is thinking about it) and ended up getting acid reflux during my time in summer school (basically I feel sick a lot and can't eat certain foods without feeling sick). But I though "it's okay, my friend from Istanbul is visiting in August" which was true, so I kept my chin up and braved through summer school and what I soon found out was acid reflux. During my time between summer school and my friend's visit, my other friend who I will go by the name of Doctor (if you know her, you may or may not be able to see this clever name) told me that she was pregnant. Now to save you the trouble about reading about 6 months of torture, I'll just sum everything up. I didn't know what was the truth or not (i still don't know if the entire thing was real or not) but I stayed by her as much as I could but in the end our relationship wasn't working so I broke it off. She apparently had a miscarriage but I'm skeptical about everything I hear nowadays.
But those 6 months threw me in to a place I never wanted to visit. I wanted to escape and now that I can say this to someone I don't even know but who I now trust very much, I thought about suicide. No, I didn't consider it- I decided I never would, but what with school, leaving istanbul, being sick all the time and then the added stress that I didn't go in to with Doctor, I wanted to escape and I knew that Istanbul was only a distant dream. Have you ever been in those situations or fights where you think to yourself "please let this end" or "why can't I be anywhere but here" well that's what I was thinking for a good part of 6 months. I hated going to sleep, waking up, going to school, and coming home. It was what seemed like an endless cycle. But then I talked to my guidance counselor, and the stress started to decrease. I moved lockers and broke off our friendship.
One thing that still gets me is how Doctor didn't realize how much she hurt me, even when I told her how everything was affecting me. She goes on living her life not knowing that she will kill someone at the rate she is going because I am not the first person she made feel this way.
I still don't like it here but I hope that I can survive till university. I really want to visit Istanbul and see my friends again even though a few moved away. Who I really have to thank is one of my friends in Istanbul who will go by the letter J for obvious reasons. I used to date him but he was my best friend before and is still my best friend now. We fought a bit before I left Istanbul but we have gotten so close in the past while. There's a possibility of J going to New York in April and I'm hoping to meet him there. I don't even know how to describe my feelings towards him anymore. I mean I love him but it's not like I'm really IN LOVE with him and stuff. In a way it's similar to the love for a pet (no, not that awkward he's like my dog type thing) but when you have a pet you end up loving them. A lot. You trust them with your secrets and look to them when you're upset and you can actually describe your relationship as love. But it's not like you want to get in bed with them, you know? J, if you're reading this right now, you know I love you more than a pet and that you probably deep down feel the same way about me. But it's true.
I have had this feeling before with both J and I's best friend. Both are the best people to talk to no matter how you feel. They make you feel like the person you've always wanted to be really. They make you laugh uncontrollably when you're sad, they send your self esteem sky high, they help you through any of your problems and they just make you feel like you want to hang out with them the rest of your life. Those people also give the best hugs for future reference. But I miss them so much and I know that I can't hang out with them for the rest of my life and that I'm going to have to settle for skype and facebook pokes. I knew from the start- from August 26th 2009 that nothing was going to last forever (even though I didn't live by it most of the time) except, with hope, the friendships. But life goes on, and it changes. It makes us feel like crap and brings us to become aware of who we are and think of those thoughts you promised you'd never think about. But it also opens our eyes and shows us that even though life changes, it doesn't mean you have to lose things. I miss everyone in Istanbul and I wish there was some way I could state my feelings to everyone, how I miss them, my love for them and how I regret not keeping in mind the simple phrase that this blog was named after.
Carpe Diem. Seize the Day.
Love, Brisbane
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