Ahhh Why Are You Still Getting To Me??

WHAT IS GOING ON? Ugh its been such a long time it seems from the time that I walked away from Doctor forever but she still gets to me. I mean, I'm pretty much all better it's just some weeks are better than others and last week wasn't a good week. I see her in the halls and I can't help but wonder about so many things- was it all true? Did she even care that I left? Why is it still getting to me? Why do I even care? Has she even talked about me or had any slight emotions of sorrow when I left? What the fuck is going on? 

I really want to go up to Doctor and just tell her off some days when I pass her. But that would be awkward with a lecture on how you should treat people. Some days I attempt to stare her down and hope she understands it through my eyes because I'm pretty sure they would show anger and misery but every time we make eye contact I look away really quickly and then feel really awkward, and thus can't see the look on her face to tell me any information (which happened on thursday actually). I thought that when I wrote her a very emotionless letter saying that I couldn't deal with anything anymore, that she would have a heart and either apologize or acknowledge it somehow but nope. She seemed really happy in Law class because sometimes people near me would have big conversations and she would talk to me in them- I'd be polite and respond but I never initiated it. But that's what gets me- it's like she used me and didn't even care that I left. Like what the hell? She knew everything that went through my mind and how it was affecting me but I stayed with her for six long months and nothing?!?! And I would almost cry in that class. She sat across the isle from me and I could hardly stand it and at the beginning of the year, I convinced her to stay in that class with me- kind of ironic, right?

I just wish that somehow someone would let her know that she can't do that to people because I am the only one. I can name over 5 people off the top of my head that I know were personally hurt by something like this- no, not all pregnancy but most were from the same time as me when she got "pregnant". But I am serious, I would marry whoever would stand up to her. I mean it isn't like she's really intimidating and stuff but it's just the fact that someone would stand up for me and for everyone else that got hurt by her. She just always gets really defensive and you can't get a word in and then she stomps whenever you're within earshot- yeah, she's one of those. Why I became friends with her? I'm not too sure. Maybe I didn't know her well enough or the people hurt by her. Maybe if there is a God he had this life lesson for me. Maybe it was kismet. Or maybe it was just plain bad luck that I didn't see the signs. 

I still cry over it. Not because she's still stressing me out directly (well kind of), but the fact that she got to me and that I have changed so much from this and not all in a good way. Sure I'm more cautious with friends now or with secrets. Maybe I'm more mature. But I am also very fragile now, attempting not to break again until I put myself back together. Whenever I think about her I feel this weight on my chest and that stupid lump you get in your throat when you're going to cry. Before, I kept saying that I didn't care if she said sorry because I felt I didn't need her apology, but I do. I just want to know she has some emotions and that she didn't screw me over for the hell of it and didn't care in the end. I want to know that the monster that hurt me and my close friends isn't a complete monster, and that everyone is human so I can actually grow from this painful experience- to know that the next monster that hurts me can't be emotionless. I just want to know so many things and I can't- or at least I can't really initiate it. Let's hope kismet works in my favor this time, and let's take it one day at a time. Carpe Diem

Love,

Brisbane