Forgive and Forget

I have been wondering now and then whether or not to forgive Doctor and forget the entire issue. I don't mean go back to being all buddy-buddy and basically asking to be fucked with again. But my friend who got the letter a few weeks ago (his locker is right beside hers from the beginning of the year- I switched lockers because the situation with Doctor was affecting my health. I am not making this up. That is legit. Acid reflux suck) and he and my other friend talk to her. I just feel almost left out in a way because I pass them talking as a group when I go to chemistry class almost every day. I mean I understand with my one friend (not the one who got the letter) because she didn't have as much anger towards Doctor anyways- she wasn't as involved as my other friend and I (for future reference, I'm going to call that friend Flame. It has to do with his last name). I just kind of feel left out I guess because Doctor has made contact and effort to keep or regain that trust and not with me even though I was affected most by it. It just makes me feel kind of shitty that all of my efforts and stress went down the tubes. It just kind of sucks that in the end, I am the only one hurt even though I was the bigger person- Flame was kind of mean to Doctor when he accused her of lying about the pregnancy and Doctor was just immature the entire time where as I was looking out for everyone the entire time and was as mature as I could possibly have been.

I dunno I just feel weird walking past them and after months, I am still hurt by this and everyone else is just peachy. She just never made an effort. Not with the pregnancy. Not being a friend. Not trying to keep me. Not making sure I was okay. Not getting me back. It just hurts.

I had a dream the other night that she was eating with one of my friends and I went to talk to her. I made an effort to be friendly and then she just ignored me. I started yelling and crying and she didn't even look at me. Then there was a monster I think of some sort- that's when my dream got a little off-track. But I think that wasn't just a random dream. I do feel like I'm being disregarded by her. She is honestly ignoring me and all I want to do is scream at her and cry. But the thing is- I don't know if I want to forgive and forget. I mean it would be nice to if I could but I don't think it's fair to me if I have to go seeking for reassurance. I'll feel almost defeated. But she and my friends all stand there talking as a group after lunch and I walk by looking at my feet the entire time. I guess it hurts because I'm realizing that that is the type of person Doctor is. She didn't care enough before to at least back off for my sake when it became a mental and physical problem but even now she doesn't care about doing anything to make sure I'm okay.

I pretend I'm okay at school though. It's rare that I lose control when talking to someone about it. But it's hard. She sits only meters away down the hall and she has a loud voice and I hear her. Last week I asked my friend to take a walk with me. I said I just wanted to walk around but I avoided that hallway because I couldn't stand it. It's surprising how gullible people can be sometimes. Well, that isn't fair to say because they may just take pity on me and not state what they're thinking. But even when I told the odd close friend or two after the whole thing happened because they got worried, they would freak out and ask if I was okay. Obviously I would say yes and I would smile just saying that it sucked but that I'm glad it's all over. But that isn't how I feel. I feel broken and if I was saying this to someone right now I would be crying in front of them right now like I am over my computer screen. I don't know if the main reason I am sad is because it got to me and is still getting to me. I always try and be as strong as I can be but this broke me.

Love,
Brisbane