You know that feeling when you're on a road trip and it's been a few hours already so you're bored of what's going on but you still have a really long time till you're free? Well that's me and that is my analogy for the day. I'm so tired of it here. After going to Istanbul and coming back to this crap, I just want to leave. It isn't as bad as when I was going through my shit with Doctor and I wanted to escape so bad (I was looking up boarding schools because it was almost like a dream for me, even though my parents would never agree). But now I just feel numb in a way. Numb. One of those words that you never know what it truly means until you feel it. Before when people would talk about being numb, I used to think it was this state where you couldn't feel anything and you weren't aware of what's really going on. The first part is kind of right, I have discovered. I mean it isn't extreme or anything where I don't have any emotions but I just feel almost like I'm bored on a long road trip. I just feel restless almost. I want to be free again. And road trips weren't even my favorite because I'd be alone with my thoughts. But that's always in my head, whether it's like right now and I long to end this torture they call high school and begin university, or when I'm doing stuff with friends and then it just creeps in to my mind.
I keep returning to this. I don't know why but I do. I don't think I'll ever really be able to leave this but it honestly began with Doctor. My first semester when I got back was great but as soon as I got close with her, my life fell to shit. I was talking to my friend today about it. I told her that I wasn't really sure how I felt about anything anymore especially what happened. I mean if everything was true and she was pregnant, then I ditched a stressed, pregnant teen on her ass, and if it was all fake then I suffered and still am suffering for nothing? I mean I guess the ideal situation (well, not really what I call an "ideal situation") would be that she was pregnant at the beginning but then became a psychopath and lost the baby but continued on the charade. Then I'd get the best of both worlds- it wouldn't have all been a lie but I wouldn't have left her for the wolves. But that's an "ideal situation". I honestly doubt that is what happened. The only real regret I have though about that whole situation is not about letting it get to me or keep allowing it to get to me- but that I didn't really do anything about it. I just took it. Sure I moved lockers and cut off communication with her and what not but I didn't really end things how I wanted to. I was too focused on not hurting her but I should have just said 'fuck it' and told her off. I can't now, obviously but I still want to. Every time I see her in the halls I want to scream at her with a whole range of curse words while simultaneously crawling up in a ball and burying myself alive. People don't realize that though. If you have ever talked to me face to face about how I felt about everything, then I doubt you would have gotten my true emotions. I can't show every part of how I feel to someone- I don't know why but I can't. But to tell her off or to hear about someone telling her off, even would have helped me, I think. But you know me- can't ask for help and can't hurt people on purpose. It would have just kind of been nice, you know? But I guess all opportunities are gone now. Because of that I feel hopeless in a way- like I'll never get over this because I don't know what really happened and I didn't get to do what I wanted to do for so long and still want to do.
I don't know how to feel about anything anymore, though. I mean I just cope, really. School is so boring and I just want to leave and everything. But like with the road trip analogy- I still have a long time to go. I'm just done with dealing with high school shit. High school classes, high school drama, high schoolers- everything. I'm done with this rut that I've dug that I can't get out of until university. I'm just done.
Brisbane.
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