Well it just seems like it's one thing after another for me. I haven't had a single period in about the past 9 months where there hasn't been anything that's been stressing me out. Whether it's pregnant 16 year olds, school, stupid hormones or people being unnecessarily foolish, I have been trying to plow through it to get to that moment when the rain ceases and the sun begins to shine.
I mean the other night I couldn't take it any more. I was so upset and was freaking out. On the verge of a mental breakdown, I decided to finally talk to J. Screw waiting- I needed him and I knew he wasn't enjoying the silence either. So we talked. Tears were shed (on my part) and then some laughs. It was great. Finally one thing I could cross off my list of mental stress. Yet once again, as one thing is crossed out, another is added. Apparently my stress list thinks equilibrium is with high levels, and it decides to restore it once one goes away..
My friend has been stressing me out lately. He's been depressed about a bunch of things and I want to help him like how he kept at me, trying to help. But the thing is (and this is all in my opinion) I was more willing to get over what I was going through and I was open to change. I wanted to get better and I would try as hard as I could to get there. But my friend doesn't seem like he is willing to put in the effort. I know he's probably reading this right now, so don't get mad at me because you know there is some truth behind this. But he keeps fighting whatever I say. I know what it's like to be at that point where it feels like nothing is going to work but he isn't even at the point of trying right now, no matter how simple the suggestion is like trying to find something positive in everything. Yep. He even fought that. But I keep stressing out about it. I want to keep helping but my acid reflux is acting up again and I don't want to get in to a fight with him about anything. I just want him to feel better. Here's the twist though. Are you ready? This is what really gets me: Doctor has actually had an affect on me and not in a good way. Before, she would always text me and we would talk about her problems and nothing else. She would always stress me out and fight the suggestions I would give no matter if I was agreeing with her previous point. I knew it was all for attention though. It isn't the same with my friend though- but it feels like it. I am paranoid. That's what it is. I'm scared it's going to happen again and it's always in the back of my mind. And then starts the dark cycle of me stressing out.
Along with school and catching up after the musical, there is another minor thing that's stressing me out. There's a guy at my school that I met last semester and he really likes me- the guy I went to semi formal with. He wrote about me on his blog and it was the sweetest thing I've ever read. I love hanging out with him and talking to him because he always cares and even when he isn't happy, he tries to be to help me feel happier. I know he reads this too because he checks up on me. The thing is: I feel too stressed to actually even look at a guy. I mean it isn't him that I don't like it's the idea of more drama. I don't know. I haven't wanted to be in a relationship here with someone since probably the summer because of all of the Doctor shit stressing me out. I just don't really know what to do though. I mean I know the only thing I can do is wait and let things flow but I hate hurting people. He's going to read this and I'm basically 'friend-zoning' him again like I did for semi. People like him shouldn't keep being hurt like how I keep hurting people. I think that's another thing too. I keep hurting people. J said it's because when people interact, someone is bound to get hurt at some point but why do I always do the hurting? I feel like I shouldn't get too close with anyone because I don't want to hurt them. Don't think it's a sad and stupid excuse because that's how I feel. And if you know me, you know that when someone gets hurt, I also end up hurt.
I can't wait until the 27th of April though. I get a PD day at my school and my family is going to the US because my sister is looking for a prom dress and they would have a lot more selection. I'm so excited because I get to escape. Finally, what I've been waiting for for so long is so close- a trip where I can't take my phone even if I wanted to and I can say 'fuck it' to all problems for a period of time. And the best part is I won't be alone to think. I'll be busy and with my family so I won't be crying in my room like every other fucking weekend cause I have too many emotions. Why did everything have to happen to me? I feel like the summer of 2011 ruined me. I have felt it for so long and I keep feeling it. I hate being here. I want to leave and go somewhere where I can start fresh and not be reminded of shit every day. My room is the worst. It's the place where I would hate life every day for months. I sat in my chair feeling numb with tears in my eyes for three hours in the same position. My bed, too. School and home- the two places I spend the most time are the two places with so many thoughts and memories that haunt me and I want to escape. Fuck, I can't wait for university.
Brisbane.
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