About 9 weeks till summer but if only it would come sooner and never leave. I'm tired of it here. I hate my school so much and I haven't had a day since about this time last year where I thought "hey, I'm glad I came back to this". I mean it's almost like a disgust for my school. I don't know what it is or why, really- I just detest going to my school.
It isn't that it's school in general. I mean I quite enjoyed my last school in Istanbul but here I can't seem to like it. Sure I have had fun but it isn't wasn't because of the school, really. The people in it are decent- the musical was fun and my friends are here- but it's all outweighed. I'd give it all up if I could. And yes, I'm serious about this- I want to switch schools.
It isn't really a recent idea of mine- I've had it since last semester. I've just never really acted upon it. But today just did it for me. I want to switch schools. I want to take action and change things other than just complaining about it all the time. I keep longing for change so why not try? The school cancelled my drama program. I accepted that today. Everyone is too lazy to get off their asses to do something about it but they keep complaining and I'm tired of stressing out about it because they're too fucking stupid to even ask people if they're willing to sign a stupid little petition. I mean fuck! One of my friends was devastated when she found out and has pretty much been a mess since she found out. So I started a group for us on facebook and kind of kept the spirit going not just for myself but it was mainly for her. But lately she's been pissing me off because she keeps moping about it and asking people to do stuff to save it but wont get up off her ass to do something herself. I was the one who pretty much forced her to start a petition because she wasn't doing shit. Then I told her to ask her friends since she had the sheet with her in her other classes. She didn't even ask one person. Another friend of mine made an announcement in her english class asking people but like 2 people decided they'd 'think about it'. But she isn't doing anything and I'm tired of it. She isn't the only one upset about this but if she isn't going to even try then fuck it. She can deal with it if she isn't willing to put in the effort. I'm done.
But every day I go to school hoping for something exciting to happen or at least something good. Something that would change my outlook. I mean I physically told myself this morning that today was going to be a good day to try and be positive (looks like I jinxed it). But it's stupid. I feel so hopeless about it now and I realized at lunch today that I'm never truly going to be happy here. I keep putting up these false predictions or feeble hopes which keep getting shut down. So today I looked at some of my options. I'm going to make a guidance appointment tomorrow to see but I have to do it in a sneaky way. You see, in my school board, you need an approved reason to transfer schools such as for academic purposes or for really intense personal reasons. I doubt the guidance counsellor would put me down for personal circumstances so I have to see if maybe I can transfer schools that would benefit my education. I think my best option is a focus program for a semester because it's better than nothing. I just need to see if any of the schools in my region offer focus programs that at least revolve around science, especially chemistry. Most I've found so far are for art, music, drama, languages, construction, technology..etc. So no dice as of yet. I'll hopefully get a guidance appointment soon, though.
I'm just so tired of feeling this way. It doesn't really feel like anyone really understands though. I mean there's my sister- she's understanding but she doesn't know I've still been feeling shitty after the Doctor incident. My parents see things only in their opinion most of the time- if I ask them to switch schools right off the bat, they would probably chuckle and tell me it's a silly idea. No joke. Most of my friends don't know what I've been feeling like either. They see the school version of me and the one friend I do see the most outside school isn't my go-to-gal for emotional problems. She's one of those people that you can't really have a deep conversation with, really. I do have a few friends though, who if I talked to them would listen and try and understand but I hate bothering people like that. And they would be the people I can be 100% honest with but that doesn't mean I'd share the whole story because I know how big of a burden listening to someone's problems can be, trust me. I just kind of wish my two best friends from Istanbul were here. They have always been able to help me feel better in the best way. One looks at things really practically but with so much empathy that you can talk to him about anything and walk away with a better understanding of everything and with a clear head. My other friend (yes, it's J) I talk to about anything also. He's a great listener and gives great advice and is one of those people that will help the situation and then make you laugh afterwards to make sure you're okay. I know I'm going to see them both in the summer and that I can skype them but it isn't the same. I miss them terribly and all I could think about at lunch when I was pretty well having a mental breakdown was how much I wanted to be with them. Don't ever hold yourself back from anything because one day it will be gone. And when it is, the worst feeling to have is regret.
Brisbane.
No comments:
Post a Comment