I Miss You

People say that moving gets easier in time. I guess that's true. But people always leave out how hard it can be. Sure I'm home but I also left part of my home. I don't get to experience the same things. I don't get to talk to my friends as often or for as long. You don't even get those hugs that you crave from the moment you let go in saying goodbye till God knows when. But that's all that people can say- it'll get better. Some advice, right?

The thing with moving back home is that I keep comparing everything to Istanbul. The people, my school, my friends, how I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling it. I'll be honest with you- when I was there, I didn't miss home very much. I mean I was going back, I was always busy and even though it was hard moving at first, I loved it there. Sure I missed it but it doesn't even come close to how I feel now. I'm visiting at the end of June but a lot of my friends moved away to other countries and I won't see them. But I miss them all and I feel hopeless because of it. I don't know what to do with myself so I find myself almost panicking and writing on this random blog.

With this stupid stuff with J, I've realized how much I depend on him, how much I care about him and how much I miss him. I think I've only told one person about this but when I got the letter that he wrote to me, asking me to be his girlfriend again, there was a friendship bracelet in the envelope. I knew I was getting it because we planned to make one for each other but all of a sudden I smelled it. It smelled like him. You never realize how much scents can recall memories until it happens but I remembered exactly how his hugs felt and how I would get a little hint of how he smelled. The smell that I finally got a taste of after about 14 months. I instantly broke down crying, of course. But I realized that that smell would fade and go away, being exposed to so much more now. So in the next 24 hours I would sneak off by myself and smell it. Sounds kind of crazy right? But it kept me going for a bit. Now I feel like I would give anything for that smell again. To feel as content I was in that moment. I just miss him so much and I'm worried about him and I have always been conflicted about what we are to each other. But in the end, it doesn't matter what we are because we will always care about each other. And not talking to him in the past month is killing me.

Lately I have been thinking about what will happen when I visit. I don't know what it'll be like when we spend time with each other again. I don't know if our feelings are going to flood back or even what those feelings will be. I don't know how we will act towards each other and I don't want to regret it. When one of my friends from Istanbul visited in August, shit went down and he still liked me and I was constantly feeling sick and in the end we didn't talk for a long time. For a time I almost regretted that he visited. I don't want that to happen in June. But I don't know what I want to happen. All I know is that I want to see him. I want to see everyone. I want to be there again- the place where everything was so much better than here. I honestly wish I didn't leave some days. I know things have changed there but I'd rather go through those changes than be here. It isn't that I hate it here- it's that it doesn't even compare to how life was like for me in Istanbul.

That piece of advice I told you was common at the beginning of the post, sometimes it isn't about the advice. People always focus on how words can affect people but sometimes silence can be so much more powerful. Some of the hugs I got in my life have been the most powerful things and I would give anything to experience one of those powerful hugs. And don't just walk up to me and hug me, please because they can't just be demanded like that. I can't put it in to words but I hope you have been fortunate enough to have one of those hugs to know what I'm talking about.

Brisbane.