21 Days

Only 21 days until I'm off to Istanbul and it can't come soon enough. I have been so stressed these past few weeks due to elections, and overall school. Fuck I'm excited for school to end. This year was too much for me and I need to get it out of the way. It feels like I need a change. So that's why I'm excited for Istanbul- it's a break to change my mood. I've just felt kind of isolated lately. I don't know why  because I've been having a great time with friends at school but I still feel like I'm missing something. I don't know if it's just some weird illusion or if it's because I miss living in Istanbul. Sometimes it feels like I'll never feel right again because even if I visit Istanbul, I'm never going to live there again and I don't know if it's that that I miss. People say that time heals. My question, is how much longer?

I just miss everything so much. I miss the atmosphere that surrounded me every moment of the day. I was so content and felt apart of something. I know I'm not alone here or anything but every time I see a couple walking down the halls or when I'm out I just get this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I miss feeling like that about someone and having that person there with me. My sister and her boyfriend really get me feeling like that, though. My sister tells me a bunch of things about her relationship and it's really cute but I just get so jealous. Not in a bad way, more like envious. One of my friends ask me every now and then if there's anyone here that I like or that I could get into a relationship with and I always respond with no but he keeps asking. He always wants to help because he's so sweet but I just don't want to rush or get into something without wanting it 100% cause that's not fair to me or the guy. But what I am sure of is how happy I'm going to be when I don't feel this way. I was sitting in the library today studying after school and I just kept thinking about this stuff and got so frustrated because it feels like I've waited a long time to have another relationship without success.

I do have a theory on why I don't look at anyone in a loving way very often, if any. I think it could be because J and I never really were around each other as just friends before I left. Ugh I keep going back to this stuff but that's how I feel. And then with him asking me out again a few months ago didn't really scream "closure" to me. I'm just so sick of love songs and those cliche love stories in the media. I'm just sick of seeing couples, reminding me that I'm not a part of one. It just kind of pisses me off and I know I'm not the only one. I'm just another lame-ass person complaining about petty problems. So I guess I'm just excited for the change in my mood when I visit everyone in Istanbul.

Fuck, even this reminds me of J. A few months ago he said something almost like this to me when we were in our fight. He talked about how so many people had their relationships and how he felt kind of lonely. Well, if you're reading this, then I guess it backs up my point of you not being the only one who gets like that. I miss you. I miss everyone else also. I miss the way I felt and who I was and my outlook on the world. Carpe Diem. Because that day will end.

Love,
Brisbane.

P.S. 21 days. Aka 3 weeks today and I'm on the plane.