Doctor,
I only have one question to ask you; what was the truth? I could never tell and still can't. I can make educated guesses but it gets me no where because it isn't the truth, rather an opinion of what it might be. I keep wondering why you would lie, but most of all why I believed you. Because you were my friend- that's why. Friendship is built on trust- it's what guides friendship and what stems a healthy relationship. But that trust didn't bring me to a place of friendship. I keep getting mad at myself that I didn't figure things out sooner- that I didn't end our friendship the moment my trust for you ended. In fact, it wasn't even me who initially thought of it. It was a friend's dad. He asked the question if all of it was real, and question eventually carried out to me. It still feels like it wasn't real, though- not just baby June, but what actually happened. It feels like I spent so much time wondering if everything was real that whenever I think about it now, it feels like it was all a dream and not reality.
There is one thing, Doctor, that I would like to say to you. Thank you. The fucked up situation you concocted has destroyed me and from the ashes that was my mind rose a new version of me. I have been angry at the lies for so long that I have finally gotten over being angry at you, rather grateful in some twisted way. Doctor, you have showed me a different kind of strength in myself. You have taught me to be careful. You have taught me to hold back. Most of all, you've taught me that it's okay to ask for help sometimes. Because of you, I have become someone very different on the inside. People don't realize very much how I have changed, but I realize it every now and then when I remember how I used to be. I am more open now. I want to make a change now. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did, so I want to do something about it. Because of you, I ran for Co-Prez. Not directly, but who you made me is the person who ran for Co-Prez and she is very excited to help people find a place and have people to go to if they need a breather from situations like mine last semester.
However, one thing I am not thankful for the feelings I have felt and what I still feel. You made me feel inferior at every moment. You made me feel gullible, and broken. You made me feel angry at myself for feeling that way. Hell, you made me angry that I suggested a great name that I might have chosen for my own potential daughter one day and now the name June is tarnished in my eyes. You physically made me sick. My acid reflux made last semester one of the hardest times of my life. You made me feel like no one gave a damn. I am not thankful for the feelings you forced me to feel and I will fight to make sure that no one makes me feel like that again.
Yet the year is coming to a close, Doctor. The semester that I went though with your lies has ended and the aftermath is ending. In 27 days, Doctor, I will be done with these feelings. All of them. I will force myself to no longer feel this way. I am not going to be bullied by the memories anymore. I am done with lies, I am done with the hurt feelings and I am done with the year of hell.
So when you see me in the halls next year, Doctor. You will no longer see the aftermath. When we make eye contact, you will no longer see the hurt or anger. You will see peace because I am done fighting. You win- I felt like shit. Congratulations. Well now it's my turn. Not to make you feel like shit, but to control my emotions. So here's something for the whole world to see that I have been wanting to say for months:
Fuck you.
Love,
Brisbane
P.S. 30 days and I will finally have the escape I dreamed of.
No comments:
Post a Comment